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Nicole Levy Feb 2018
SELF SABOTAGE
Excuse me for I have sinned.
Read the rules in a book is what they told me.
Who made these rules
Who was HE?
Stay in the box or else they will scold me.
Be safe, be responsible, keep your head in the sand.
But I am an eagle you cannot keep me on land.
I cannot sleep my wild dreams have turned into my reality.
for I am consciously sabotaging the old me.
Rainswood Oct 2017
beautiful, it is
this life of mine
blessed in every way
struggle to find
the reasons behind
my restless state of mind
prone to self destruction
rhythmic disruption
break my own heart just to feel intensely alive
Seeing myself for who I am
Kelly Jun 2017
Elation with no regard to the reason. I just let it roll over me when it comes. Living in it because I know it’s fleeting and I am grasping at the rays of sunshine like they will dissipate any second. This feeling of pure joy and happiness. Oh, how I wish you could stay for just a moment longer.
My mind actively searches for intruders ready to wipe them away in an instant before they come to the forefront of my mind. How dare you try and ruin something so pure and full of joy. It's like you can’t allow yourself a glimpse of heaven. As if you have tasted the forbidden fruit and you are quickly trying to cover the evidence with despair.
Despair that you have already buried and mourned over, but you bring it to life again, like it secretly comforts you. How can despair be comforting? My mind decides at this instant my happiness can be ruined at any moment so why not on my terms?
Throwing at the forefront already buried land mines knowing exactly how they will explode. Now the fog rolls in, rays dissipate, warmth gone. I allowed it to leave, allowed it to no longer warm my face and thoughts. Oh well, until we met again sun, I will embrace the beauty of the fog
emma l Apr 2017
i put my eggs on the bottom of all my groceries.
i did it last time, and i'll do it again,
and i'll still act shocked when i open the carton and they've fallen apart.
i'll watch devastatingly as the yolk slips through my fingers;
i'll mourn for the money lost, mourn for the eggshells on my kitchen counter.

breakfast is the healthiest meal of the day, and mine is spread across my kitchen floor.
everyone walks on eggshells around me,
but i stomp on them.
i pour bacon grease on my legs;
the burn feels good for thirty minutes,
but the blisters become unbearable at thirty-one.

i didn't just spill the milk;
i poked a hole in the carton.
i watched it leak through, like blood seeping through a bandage;
i'm crying over spilled milk.
i'm always crying over spilled milk.

i want to grow out of this never ending stage of self sabotage;
i am the victim,
i am always the victim;
the child cries wolf and no one in town cares anymore;
the wolf can't be found,
because the child has swallowed it.

i am no good.
my kitchen is a mess,
i don't eat breakfast,
and i play the victim card like it's the only one left in the deck.
my groceries are in the dumpster out back;
i'm ravenous --
i'll eat you out of house and home.
Kewayne Wadley Feb 2017
In the form of love she held me close.
Shaping the pieces of her heart into pills.
Without the proper prescription she advised that I take one once a day.
How foolish of me to exceed the dosage.
Unable to differentiate what was real.
Small sips of water, dilated pupils.
The mood swings felt between night and day.
The chemicals of her heart seen loud and clear.
Withdrawing myself from what I pictured the perfect love.
Moving from twice a day to as many as was needed.
Falling fast asleep. Waking up with sharp pains.
This was how fast my heart began to beat.
Swallowing each pill to ease the pain. Having gone so long without such embrace. 
I medicated myself in the hopes of staying alive.
A mass communion of pills gathered in the palm of my hand.
Easing her body into my mouth.
Swallowing her heart in an entirety of fragments.
This was how I came to overdose in a fantasy that wasn't meant for me
Kewayne Wadley Jan 2017
I got on my knees, hoping that you would appear
I waited until the morning, keeping my eyes closed in solemn prayer.
Hoping to see you when I opened my eyes.
I was curious when you would appear, keeping my eyes closed.
Continuing to wait, my knees became sore.
Still I knelt on my knees knowing pain.
Would your love ever take over.
Continuing to wait I opened my eyes at the crack of dawn.
Rising from my knees when I saw nothing but disappointment.
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