For I have stopped looking out

To the others

For confirmation

For deliberation

I have started looking inwards

I have started investing

In myself

I have started living

For myself

For what I love

For what makes me happy

Living freely, being content

Counting on possibilities

Kissing joys

Unwrapping surprises

and smiling through

as I am filling up I

With the right spirit of being

Here and now

I am who’s lying to myself
I am the one deceiving sacred
What are you doing for god’s  sake
Why this pretending
Your weaknesses are falling one by one
Revealing burgeons
Your sins, addictions and the vice
What a delight
What a betrayal
I’m in a fight
But what I’m fighting for?
For whom’s this glory?
For whom’s this vanity?
Is that for you?
Or for your bloated ego only?
I do mistakes
But can I fix them?
Sometimes I think they’re beyond retrieve
I feel I’m sinking and I’m falling
In the dark

What is the truth and what is lost
Depends on your perception only
Don’t go against the weather
Go with the wind
Like a free feather
Float on the surface
Float with the grace
Don’t trust the hesitation
Instincts only
What is forbidden
Your decision
What is forbidden
Is that pleasure?
You’re playing games
But do you know the rules?
Of what is hidden underneath
Your clothes, your classy look
Your shallow glamorous temptation
I am who knows
I am the critic
I’m egoistic
And I’m sharing
I am the one who’s feeling blue
And all I know is knowing nothing
I’m indecisive
And precisely knowing
What to do
Or should be doing
I’m concerned of my duty
I am alone among desires
I am the one who’s burning fire

Distant dreams and memories
Lost opportunities it seems
To the things that could have been
Reflecting on the past at half mast
Easier with hindsight to look at what might
A contestable question mentioned
How far do we plan with conviction
Experience paves the way
Flicking through past sections
Sets direction led astray on a page
Which ways do we cultivate
To lead the order of our day

You know you’re broken
When your own reflection
Won’t even look you in the eyes

I have sought silent moments of wet grief
to give myself that salty brine relief,
wetted white sheets then fell asleep
to find that time had gifted me
with emotion’s soft reprieve.

I have lived and lost, paid the cost
of all that was depressing,
obsessing over what I was possessing
and what was possessing me,

and in those moments, I have learned
quite a few lessons,

like I cannot get back one spent second
pursuing goals that might not come to fruition,
materials things should not be my mission,
and if I am not enjoying the journey
then this trip is not for me.

I have also realized; I am my own light.  
Even though there is darkness if this life
the greatest victory I can achieve
is acts kindness against the inevitable black
that will swallow and take all of us back.

I brought him more than a book
more than words on a page
I brought him
My heart story

An epic series

I brought him the stories of my life
Before, up to, and including him
And he read it all
Each volume
Understanding and translating clearly

The tragedies
the comedies
the sheer terror and beauty of it all

And in the romance section
Our saga
He read of my
Deep and abiding attraction
Ease of being with him
My devotion to caring for his heart
This soulmate connection
Written so clearly
And dearly
Indelibly inked love
On the pages of my heart

Reflecting.....

As the pace of life slows
To protect my health
I sit here reflecting
For I can’t do much else

The global situation
On all our minds
Surreal as it is
The Earth is doing fine

I sit here listening
To the sounds of Soweto
Wondering if there’s anyone else
Like me.... locked down in Soweto

Luck it may have been
I consider myself lucky still
I wouldn’t want to be stuck anywhere else
What a story I now have to tell

There is hardship and struggle
Even for us every day
Yet there is also love... beauty...
Something so special to be here to “stay”

I’m no tourist
But still I feel unique
I wonder... is there anyone else?
Anyone else like me?

I feel I belong
I always have
But now this feelings deeper
I forget I’m not local infact!

It’s only when I sit here
And think, everything still
That I remember I’m different
Yet I’m treated like a local

I have become a Sowetan
And it didn’t start this year
It’s been happening slowly
The township adopted me, year after year

People are varied
Some are illegal
Yet, as written in the constitution
This country belongs to all

I love South Africa
But not all of it’s the same
It’s here in Soweto
Here - I got a new name

I don’t feel any different
To others around me
I have become one of them
But still wonder..... is there anyone else like me?

Getting stuck here was a blessing
How things fall into place!
Although no one anticipated COVID
Being in Soweto puts a smile on my face

I feel it’s almost sacred
To find myself here
During this global pandemic
I’ve been “protected “ it’s clear

I’m here for a reason
That has been proven to me
And whatever the reason
... it was just meant to be

I “belong “ here in Soweto
There IS no one like me
I am now a Sowetan
...just as it was “meant to be”

Ngiyabonga beautiful people **