It started when I was twelve
A new place, a new school
When I couldn't quite understand myself
Not the best place to lose my school

It started when I was in class
When the teacher called me innocently
My heart started beating too loud, too fast
And then I felt all heads and eyes on me

It started when I was fourteen
The year when I was invited to a dance
But all I could hear were the haunting taunts, so mean
That's why I stayed home in a trance

It started when he asked me out
By this guy I liked, out of the blue
When I tried to answer, I couldn't open my mouth
Red-faced, I ran like an animal escaping the zoo

It started when I was sixteen
And I was graduating top of the class
But giving a speech, I wasn't too keen
Felt a bottomless pit on my stomach so vast

It started when I was an adult
Found myself not getting any employment
I just know that all of this is my fault
Cause it feels like some kind of punishment

I know how it all started
But I only have so much left to bend
I feel like I am being deserted
I just wanna know when this will end

Sometimes
I think
I want
a gun
And then
I remember
I'm crazy

A ruin stepped away in the vigor of rain
Puddles playing tricks in your eye
These with so much pain
But at least with emotion

Behemoth vast
Taking warmth in fire,
Affinity to the massive mentality
Flying across the sky,
So is your emotion
Being what it should be:
Elevated

Refactoring into a stable state

Emotions:

You want them so bad
They take their time
Premonitions felt, but no more
The sky still opened
In a cold soft pour
Your self is siphoned

Your logic took off
Emotions took off
Where are you?
Seeking answers while medicated
Is the only way.
One answer I got:

To always do good
Take natural jumps
When you're productive
More free
Move right and give
Get happy

Cry
From feeling music
The world is so beautiful
Your karma is an incredible
Supreme machine of good
And you judge it this way
It is complex

Others wonder
What haunts you
They see you look broken
They wonder why
Why you aren't alone
With yourself
Like most are

You are empathetic
You stagger across heaven and hell
There is unbearable turbulence
Or traumatic exhaustion
...retribution will come...
Do us good
Comfort will come.

Empty
She hears nothing
She sees nothing
Just a very dark place

Come here
The voice calls
It's happiness
She flies toward it, with light feelings, while smiling but-

Come here
Another voice calls
It's loneliness
She stops midway
"I'll be right back", she tells happiness
She goes to loneliness with wide arms opened
She was nearly embraced loneliness when

Come here
She hears another voice calling her
It's sadness
She stops.
"Sadness needs me", she whispers to loneliness
And she steps towards sadness
Loneliness tries to hold on her, but she didn't see it

Can you come here?
One more voice calls
She stops again, looking for the voice
It's confusion
She becomes baffled
She wonders whether sadness will be fine
If she goes to confusion now

No, don't!
Come here instead!
One more voice calls!
She turns and look at anger.
She looks at confusion and then anger
What is she supposed to do now?

Come here!
Come here!
Come here!
Come here!
Come here!
Come here!

Emptiness, happiness, loneliness, sadness, confusion, and anger call her
At the same time
Simultaneously
She keeps running and running
In circle
Meets no end
Everytime she reaches the borderline, she runs towards different directions
She keeps running

And she hears one more voice

You don't belong anywhere
Finally, frustration says it
She fell down in despair

Come here
She feels cold fingers around her shoulders
She looks up
There stands the death
Giving her the dullest stares
And creepiest smile

It corrupts you
Losing control of soul
It hurts you
Slowing your growth
It maims you
Stealing your heart
One day people will see
Until then I fight
Because of one reason
It's not me
It's not psychiatry
It's that there is a way of seeing
A way of not seeing
And my mortal enemy is
The anti-fam
So I take war on
The war for eternity
Corruption or not

I really dont know how to put what I'm about to say in a way that sounds like poetry without leaving stuff out and I think this is an important issue that must not be left to interpretation of the reader (like poetry does).
I wrote a poem almost a year ago (its down here somewhere) about a friend that commited suicide (I will call him R from now on) and even though I still think about him constantly this past week he's been more in my mind, I dreamed about him last week and woke up in tears and then I heard about Kate ***** and Anthony Bourdain, I talked to some friends and they were thinking more about him these past days sooo.... background story.
I'm a doctor, I'm a resident. I'm lucky enough to say I have a lot a good friends some of them are my med school classmates, R was one of them.
After graduation we all pursued doing a residency and thankfully we all got into what we wanted, most of my friends, including R, got to stay in the same city we all studied together, which was nice because most of their families lived there and they didnt have to pay rent and stuff like that.
A few months before the residency program began R called me and said the most shocking thing, he confessed to me that he had been diagnosed with depression during our third year in med school and that he was doing well enough that his psychiatrist considered he didnt need medication anymore, but was going to keep an eye on him in case he needed them again, he had been off the medication for 8 months by the time he called me and this were his exact words after he said all that to me "I know I'm not okay, and I know this because I have everything I ever wanted, I have friends that I love, I have an amazing family, I have the career that I want, I got accepted into the program I worked so hard for and still I think it would be better to die, and it scares me a lot" I talked to him until his mom got home so I knew he was safe, the doctor gave him medication again and he was good to go. Two years passed and then he decided he wanted to go into Neurology and he got accepted into the most important hospital in the country, that was in another city so that meant he had to live on his own for the first time in his life, and get another doctor there, I called to congratulate him a week before he left, that was on February, we made plans to see each other in July.... he died in May.
Why do I think this is important?
1. My friend didn't look sad, he was always smiling, he gave the warmest, longest hugs and when he told me he was sick I was shocked that he had been going through this for three years without anyone noticing.
2. He was very aware of his disease and he knew he had a lot to be happy about. So this proves that it can happen to anyone and is not about feeling sad for a certain situation, like getting bad grades or having a breakup. Its not something you fix by "focusing on the good things".
3. Another friend was feeling weird and she told me she was trying to "shake those feelings off" until he remembered R and decided it was best to seek for help, she was diagnosed with anxiety and started getting treatment.
4. Another one told us he was feeling very bad, like if he was not being himself, and that he was thinking about going to a psychiatrist, because he was scared of going through what R went.
5. I miss R everyday and he left a huge hole to fill, and there are so many things that remind me of him and that I wish I was able to tell him right know but at least he opened the eyes of the ones that were close to him and made a few of us do and internal check up and actually pushed others to get help.

My message for you who read this is dont be ashamed of asking for help and dont make others feel ashamed, encourage people to know that the mind gets sick too, just like the heart, and the stomach and any other ***** in your body. R knew people loved him, R knew he was lucky to have the life he had and still his mind and his depression made him think it was not worth it to keep on living.