Away with the vice

squad-patriarchy: I am --


Boss Of My Belly!

Miss Holly,
You would have had
Just the most beautiful smile
And the brightest eyes.
I am sure your laugh
Would have lit up my world
And I know our souls would sing
When we saw each other.

But I also know
We would have hard times,
Maybe more hard times,
And I don’t want to bring you into the world
To struggle, beside me.
Maybe we might have had
Good days and weeks, even months,
But I am coming out of
The hardest chapter in my life
And you are not the closure
This chapter needs.

I don’t know
If I will ever have children
Who live on this side of my mind,
But you will always live
Inside my heart.

you caused this fire
with a dimpled smile and a plane ticket
can’t suffocate a blaze with a match
petrol running down my legs
wanna watch me burn at the stake?
7,000 miles of wildfires called me by your name

like a moth drawn to a flame
we kissed on the light up floor
your fingers inside of me, it was divine to me
surrendering my soul to my god
left my lipstick scars all over you

i ate the apple from the softness of your hand
our garden of eden was no holy land
i let you knock at the door of my spine
no malice in my voice, come inside
but baby, you weren’t expecting
me to multiply

like a moth drawn to a flame
i bit your tongue in the break of day
wanted to taste your blood for a change
nothing like a little emotional
devastation to get me through it

yell it más, señor
til your vocal cords are ******
oath taken in sacred silence
tragedy and insanity and is
it all a game to you?
because you hid while i sought
yell it más, señor
yell it más

and when i told you of the flower blossoming within
you cried like a boy for his mother
you see, there’s no way we can keep it
not for your career

and the next day on the 405
my soul wrung empty inside
suffocating loneliness, all-consuming
75mph, nearly opened my door
told my therapist i wanted the asphalt to eat me alive

they took me to the madhouse
while you had a pint and a laugh miles from my hospital bed
they said
“she wants to end her life with a baby inside, oh, what a terrible state she’s in”

the doctor watched me as i cried
with cigarette breath and roaming hands
forced the wand inside of me
at the same time i jumped over the ledge
and did you know i laid in silence
while he whispered in my ear

“good girl, it’s a girl”, you see, oh?
can’t you feel the joy?
of creating something like God herself?
like vines sprouting from the soil?
but Oceania, so much panic, yeah
too far, didn’t wanna come near
my ash-strewn wreckage

like a moth drawn to a flame
blazing light, burned just right
i wanted you to suffocate my pain
pretended it didn’t exist for our

transpacific love games
i’ll be Marilyn and you be Errol
the actor who can’t survive any longer
and the one who devoured a woman whole

yell it más, señor
oh god i’m bleeding on the bathroom floor
so much sacrifice for paradise
but isn’t this what it’s for?
tragedy and insanity and
oh no, it’s all a game, i see
yell it más, señor
yell it más

aliel
enaj

In the days of seafaring yore, in a candied littoral time, my parents shared a love for wingsails; propelling their craft on the surface of gentle waters.

It was here my father navigated me into existence, by taking my mother for a long enchanted boat ride.

And like a hook and eye, they so clasped and rowed into the boundless deep. The tender rhythm of their waves stirring a rivulet that would come to be called me.

Floating in this colostrum bed underneath the heart's thicket, I settled to sleep; dreaming of cradle song and breastmilk.

My unborn hands and feet routinely practiced swimming toward the open shore; until that day when a familial voice called.

And there in the dilation of a growing current, I sprang forth; thirsting for their love from my very first cry.

I try not to cry and tear up about it,
It's not that easy,
I keep my emotions hidden away,
Nobody can begin to understand my pain,
You think you know but you don't know,
I will never trust in you,
My trust for you has faded.

The best thing you could've gave me is gone,
Felt like it was taken from me,
There's a bigger purpose,
God has a reasoning for everything he does,
I'm starting to realize the reasoning,
It wasn't meant for you to be born yet,
This wasn't the right setting,
No matter what you were still a blessing.

I will always remember the small we had,
It will never be forgotten,
The time we had was small but precious,
It was a beautiful  we shared,
I carry you with each and everyday,
Tear up every time i think of you.

I wish you never left me,
You meant so much to me,
You were a blessing and a gift,
That moment we shared can never be replaced,
I can see you in up there,
You will always be a part of me.

every drop i bleed
is another chance of life gone
every passing month
a sober reminder
of a clock that won't stop ticking
tick. tick. tick.
desperate hands
on a hollow womb
every drop i bleed
makes it harder for me
to meet you