Yes I hurt you
Yes I broke your heart
But I've been here since the end
I let you call me breaking down
Even though I was with my girlfriend
Simply because no one else would listen
And I ******* care about you

Yes I emailed you first
You chose to listen to others instead
And told me to move on
Two weeks pass
And you reach out to me
You want me back
But I had my closure
and started exploring new options

Yes I'm polyamorous
And it's been the best realization of my life
But to you I'm just selfish
I can't commit
Just because I can't be your property anymore
You even said you'd try it with me
Then turned around and called it debauchery

Yes I've made mistakes
I'm only human
And I'm growing every day
I am becoming a better person
But how can I keep moving forward
With you constantly tearing apart my soul?

Yes I say your words don't hurt
But I ******* love you
So they brand pain into my entire existence
And keep hurting both myself
And my beautiful new relationship
Because I'm putting all my energy into you

And yes I let it keep happening
But not anymore
I told your dad you tried to OD
I may have saved your ******* life
But all I did was ruin you right?
I tore you down and broke your hopes and dreams?
Tell me how, when I've been here the whole time
I have been supporting you in
Whatever you want to do with your life
I've been validating your feelings and
Trying to be there for you to talk
Because no one else was listening
But I'm just a piece of trash right?

No
I won't let you lead my life anymore
No
You don't get to steal my happiness
No
I will not let you hurt my relationship
No
I may have made mistakes but I'm not entirely bad
No
You do NOT get to take your anger out on me
Not anymore
I'm done
I'm out

Enjoy your life now
Because I'm done being the reason you hate it
You made your own choices
And you don't get to take that out on me
Not anymore
I'm done.

I'm not sure I'm ready to lose the love I feel now
But I don't know if I can let go of you either
I wish we could compromise
I wish it wasn't all or nothing for you

Even if I left them
You and I would have to start over
Are you ready for that?
Am I?
Can I guarantee monogamy forever
Or will it all fall away again?

No matter how much I feel
And how happy I am with someone
There's always someone else
That catches my eye too
And that doesn't discredit my feelings for you
Because I know those haven't changed
Love is complicated
And having it for more than one
Makes my life a bit of a mess
Especially to those who don't understand it
Even though I don't completely either
But my feelings for you
And my feelings for her
Are not mutually exclusive
My love for you does not die
Simply because I develop a crush on someone else
Even if it turns to love as well
It does not extinguish our flame

Three and a half years ago
I met the girl who became my first love
I hadn't had much experience with love
So I didn't know when it became toxic
I transformed from straight-edge
To blacking out and blackening my lungs
I would have married her
But she left and
It ended up being a blessing is disguise

Two and a half years ago
I entered into a relationship
While I didn't feel too much
I thought she would be my forever
We got engaged
But I was afraid
And I made a choice out of fear
I left
Not literally but emotionally
And then it all ended
I turned into the toxic person I hated

Almost four months ago
I reconnected with an old flame
We grew from destruction
But the love grew onward nonetheless
We hit a rough patch when I needed free love
She still gave it a chance and
I couldn't be happier

Over a year ago
I met my 2nd partner
About four months ago
We finally had a real conversation
And a month later we developed feelings
We're still new and it's intense
Balancing love comes with its challenges
But our capacity to love is beautiful
And we grow individually each day
Experiencing endless firsts together
My first time growing love from friendship
And it's a wonderful change

Four weeks ago
I reestablished a relationship with my ex-fiancé
4 months after our fateful end
We still share so much love
And though we can only connect through text these days
Our emotional bond holds no bounds
Love is love
And she became my third

Three weeks ago
I left my old flame
Because I couldn't handle it anymore
And it wasn't her fault
We both lost touch with the others' needs
She needed me
And I needed space
We were both unhappy
And I chose to run
I still care about her
But I'm sure she hates me now
And I don't blame her for that

A week and a half ago
My ex-fiancé tried to **** herself
I got scared and told her dad
He didn't know we were talking again
But I needed to save her
She appreciated it at first
And then she cut me off
Even though we loved each other
We were hurting each other more
I understand why she left
And I hope she finds happiness
But it still hurts

One week ago
I realized I loved my 2nd partner
Who is now my only partner
We were laying together
I looked into her eyes and just knew
When I'm with her there's nothing but warmth and happiness
Flooding my chest
Electricity runs through my bones when we lock eyes
I knew I'd love her one day
But I didn't think I'd be IN love with her
Every day is an experience
And though it's hard
I wouldn't want to go through it with anyone else

Today
I am still growing
I am not perfect by any means
And I am not defined by my relationships
But they have helped shape me as a person
Free love has been hard
These past years have been intense
And I am trying to learn from my mistakes
I am learning to love myself through them
To forgive myself
While still recognizing the pain my choices have caused
I am sorry to those I have hurt
I really am trying
I still love you all
But where we are in life no longer aligns
I wish you nothing but the best

I haven't really faced these feelings yet
They've been hidden deep in my soul
Because it'd be easier to be heartless
Than to acknowledge the reality

I know I broke up with you
And I know the way things happened was not ok
I keep replaying where things changed
Trying to pinpoint that moment where
Everything stopped feeling right
And I think I finally found it

We were doing great together
So much love
We thrived together
And then I told you I'm polyamorous
And then I didn't listen to you
I didn't recognize my problematic behavior
And you were scared

I assume you felt like you were losing me
And I was finally feeling free
But I wasn't gone yet
We were still trying to be ok
But you shut down, understandably
And I got scared and distanced myself
You needed me more
And I felt trapped by that
So we both slowly changed
And neither could keep up with the others needs
I am not trying to justify this
I am just trying to understand

Because I still miss you
When I'm laying here alone
Cuddling my Nemo
And all I can picture is how you guys cuddled on the couch together
Or when I'm out doing something
And I think about how much you'd like it
Trying not to wish you were with me
But sometimes I do
I can't even play video games
Or watch love it or list it
Without these haunting memories
So I just avoid it and do nothing instead

Maybe if we lived closer it would have been different
Maybe if I would have paid more attention to your needs
We wouldn't have ended up this way
I know I said we weren't compatible
But we were once upon a time

I'm sorry if I made you feel like you weren't enough
You deserve so much more than I gave you
I'm sorry for not being enough for you
Because you really deserve everything good
You're a good person
And I care about you
I hope you find happiness one day
I know you will
You're good
I'm sorry for taking that away from you

What do you do
When the universe gives you the chance
To get exactly what you wanted
At the worst possible time?

2 weeks ago I would have dropped everything
And given in to anything you'd asked
But now things feel different
I had the closure I needed
And I feel happy again

But my feelings haven't changed
I still love you
But I also don't know
If this is what I want anymore

Do I limit myself into the lonely world of monogamy
In order to secure our beautiful future?
Or do I continue my current happiness
Toward a future entirely unknown?

2 weeks it's been
Immersed in this world of open love
Such a short time to spend
But my heart feels so liberated

No longer trapped by the confines of one
A sole opportunity to share, give and express my love
Now I can let my feelings come undone
Within the safety and boundaries of mutual respect

My lovers, almost three
Each offer a unique chance
To share this love and feel free
This love is a beautiful thing

I did not anticipate this formation
I did not set out a number of partners to seek
I entered this with no expectations
And it happened to grow this way on its own

I love each person uniquely
No mutual exclusion, no impact
Each love forms and runs deeply
Individually, yet always connected through love

I wake up cold in my bed
And cuddle up next to someone I care for deeply
Waiting for a moment
To text "good morning" to the girl I love

Bliss.
This is free love.
This is beautiful.

I'm lost in the moment
Lost in her eyes
A vibration on the table brings me back
I expect it's from my love
And it is
But not the one I expected

Instead
My ex-fiancé's name flashes before me
Followed by the smiley face I never removed
"Hey"

What?
I'm in shock
Is this an accident?
And old message stuck in my phone?
It buzzes again

"Could I ask you something"
My heart is racing
What could you have to say to me?
"Those letters."
I guess you read them
"Do you still feel that way?
Or have you moved on now..."

I'll never move on
My love is limitless and endless
But for that same reason
I'm so confused

Of course I love you
I always will
But I love someone else too
And I know I'll love another soon enough

My love needs more than monogamy can give me
The experience of polyamory is all so new
It's liberating
And it's beautiful
And I love it
But I love you too

You are almost every great memory
That I have from the past 2 years
But I'm also a different person now
Than I was four months ago

I still can picture a future with only you
But polyamory would have to come off the table
I don't know if I'm ready for that
Even if I don't know what a poly future looks like

I need time to process this
I need a minute to breathe
I need to reflect on these possibilities
Love is a beautiful thing
But right now it's suffocating

These emotions swirl around my mind
Like the glowing leaves outside
Yellow anxieties, orange excitements, and red passions
All intermingling to create something divine
For those who don't understand
It appears disorganized and unnatural
But as sure as leaves return to trees in the spring
My feelings will continue to bloom for someone
More than one
And that's beautiful

Feelings overflowing
Dripping from the cracks in my heart
Coursing through my veins
The excess seeps into my lungs
And I can't breathe

I watch you carefully
Trying desperately to read you
But like a million books in foreign tongue
I cannot follow the lines
Enough to reach a valid conclusion

The distance between us is stiff
My body aches with the tension of this anxiety
And though I avoid eye contact mostly
Sometimes I let myself slip

While it felt so wrong before
I'm learning to love myself
And embrace this capacity
To love multiple people at once
I'm slowly accepting my feelings for you
Swimming alongside my love for her

And here we are
Waiting patiently for what?
We have the perfect chance at something
Anything
And we embrace every minute of it

Every flirty text that makes my heart race
Every tear spawning from our partners' faces
The beautiful distance between us
Without the pressure and rush often associated with love

We sacrifice our energy on loved ones who don't understand
The true extent to which some humans can love
We endure the pain of supporting confused partners
So we can spend that extra time getting ready
To look cute for a simple conversation on my couch

I'm happy this way
Free from the socialized constraints of monogamy
Allowed to feel freely
To love freely

And regardless of where this experience leaves us
I'm going to embrace every opportunity it offers
And though our path is terrifyingly unmarked
I couldn't feel more at peace with it