Confusion taints
My every thought,
Round and round in my head;
I can't stop it coming.
The words are
Running like rabbits;
I'm close to giving up.
There it goes again.

I feel the sand
Between my toes,
Waves lapping at the shore.
It sounds so peaceful.
We live out here
In Paradise.
Our lives are different,
But dreams are much the same,
He has his, I have mine;
I am at peace once more.



© Karen L Hamilton, 2012

you are a nightmare come to life;
you are a wish unfulfilled.  
you are the multitude of daydreams
running
through my mind
scenarios that will never happen,
scenarios that will only ever exist
in my imagination.

do you feel the same way i do?
it is a question
that taunts me every night.
as i lay my head to sleep,
i can't help but think of
your 'i love you's and 'i miss you's and
my mind plays the melody that is your voice
on repeat as my eyes close and i start to drift
into nothingness.

you never fail to sweep me off my feet.
you never fail to make my head spin.
you never fail to make my heart skip a beat.
you never fail to make me cry into my pillow every night,
thinking about how there will
never
be an "us".

do you feel the same way i do?
do you get the same feeling i do?
when your hear your heart pounding in your ears,
like an incessant little drummer boy?
when your hands shake and you feel your
entire being vibrate;
do you get this horrible feeling too?

the other night i dreamed i was holding him in my arms hearing his heart beat just the way i imagined it would feel like when our skins touch. he smelled so good something like the combination of everything i've longed for and the comforting smell before rain. but all too soon he started to fade and everything else turned into gray, i didn't want to wake up so i held on to him as tightly as i could clutching his shirt helplessly whispering "please don't go" over and over like a mantra but i still woke up in tears and my heart breaks everytime i remember none of it was ever real.

I miss your eyes
and I miss your voice
and I miss your kiss
and I miss your warmth.
I see you in my dreams
but it's not enough.

Nowhere near enough.

I catch glimpses of you
out of the corner of my eye
and I lose my breath
and my heart races again.

You're the shooting star
I never manage to wish upon.

do you ever think that even when the moon is always surrounded by beautiful stars he has never stopped longing for the sun's love

it started out when we were young. an awkward exchange of hi and hello happened as i sat behind you in class. then it branched out to you and i becoming the oddest pair of friends. we became children who were innocently playing, and doodling, and learning, and creating. we did all these together. we laughed, and cried, and engaged in the peculiar adventures our curious minds cooked for us. until suddenly, you created something confounding in me. it grew and grew and grew. it is wonderful, what you gave me. you are wonderful.

i am sorry i did not realise your wonder until a couple of years after. i could have said it. but the innocence of our childhood slipped away and corruption of the mind crawled in. the years of pubescence emerged. labels were created. i feared rejection, and pain, and loss. the hypothetical loss of what we had if ever i did tell it to you. i feared the judgement of our peers, how they might call me a ****** if ever i would admit it. (not the good kind of ******, either.) i became scared. so i kept it inside. buried it deep and locked it away forever.

forever does not exist. the feeling fought its way up, and unearthed itself from the depth of my being. it grew and grew and grew even more. and by that time, i too, grew. i learnt acceptance and so i accepted it. I never admitted it though, but i vowed to never bury it anymore. it silently stayed on the surface of my being. and every time i saw you, i would say it.

i love you. i told it to you a few years back, when i hugged you for the last time before that year ended, and when i said we would remain the oddest pair of friends. i told it to you when you messaged me something funny and i would burst into a fit of giggles. i told it to you when i invited you to be my plus one during that particular valentines day, and when i expressed my extreme delight as you said yes. i told it to you when i played with your hair. i told it to you when I grabbed your hand and held it like you would suddenly disappear if I let go. i told it to you when i would be left speechless and marvel at your perfect self. i told it to you when i told you who i really was and again when i hugged you after you told me you accepted me. i told it to you every time ever since that moment i realised what you gave me was the feeling of love.

now remains the question: did you ever say it too?

I don't know what we are
and I certainly don't know what we're becoming.
All I know is that you have her,
and really... that's fine.

Really.

I'll sit here, relishing in our 4 hour text conversations
trying to decipher where exactly we stand
until I finally realize it doesn't matter.

At least we're standing.

Feeling your hot breath against my mouth as you exhale into me.
Your lips against mine, filling my body with unanswered desire.
A kiss so strong I have to steady my body against yours for fear of falling.
Timeless
As you find the light in me.