i write and bruise my fingers just to escape
just to get a remedy for this pain
the pressure stops burning ever so slightly
but the scars still remain
still hang on my flimsy body
making towns and cities and villages
people living inside of my solar system

STOP!
calm down.
they can’t see you.
their eyes are like steel.
like iron.
life kills.
that’s what’s so evil about it.
but you can’t escape the jaws of the inevitable.
you need to stop thinking.
i mean, the overthinking type.
the type of thinking that makes your brain spin.
that escalates every tiny situation.
your pain comes from opening your eyes too wide.
shut them.
breathe.
stop panicking.
you will never be able to escape except in death.
but even the dead are lonely.
even the dead char and sear in pits they were locked in.
stop overthinking.
you write because you want to evaluate what you feel.
not just because it’s the only way to bolt away from crowded rooms and upset stomachs.
don’t bruise your fingers while touching the pen.
stop overthinking.

wAiT...
i think that i get it
sorry for all the run-on sentences
i don’t care much for punctuation
i sure don’t think rapidly about that
i just do it
so, in settings where it matters
everything in my brain halts
and i freeze
why can’t i just breathe?
it pains me to think that i am hurting my own self with my own knives
stabbing me in the heart
i shouldn’t let my hands become numb because of scribbling in the lines
i should press the pen gingerly upon the paper
softly
and i should just do it
without hesitation
just prove i can withstand the erosion
but at least i know
i write to express
and
life kills
that’s what’s so evil about it.

I see everything.
And yet,
I still feel blind.

overthinking is seeing
rainbows in the dark
you're fast asleep
and I still think you're judging me

You’ve been warned, of the silence..
Always dreaming of tomorrow,
Everyday I love you more ,
It’s so beautiful and bright ,
Perhaps my dream came true,
He captured my heart , With his smile
But the world is cold
I miss your voice everyday,
Refresh a story , to start a victory ,
But stories always come with a twist,
But reality is I might be the one who fell in love,
I know he’ll never love back.
I know I should just move on,
But I can’t get you out of my mind.
Maybe I’m just sick and suffering for my stupidity?
Maybe one day you’ll find this?
And read it and think **** this is about me without feeding your ego.
But maybe it’s just me overthinking every situation,
Because I’ve always felt not wanted.
But thanks to you I know how it felt to actually be in love with somebody. Even if that love was one sided.

these same negative thoughts are on an endless loop in my head,
not constant, but nearly,
any hint of sarcasm or negative comments about me begin the whole process of self-destruction and hatred in my head.
when i get out of the loop, i just feel tired and numb,
like i just got done with a fist fight and came away with a few bruises and cuts on my face and fists.
i believe in a God who heals, but its hard to hold on to hope and to see the good in myself when I feel like a constant burden due to these fistfights in my mind.
any positive affirmation feels like a bandaid put on my deep cuts and bruises, somewhat helpful but they can't fix the damage already done.

sometimes i wonder if he loves me more than i love him,
if he loves me more than he ought for who i am,
and yet in other moments i think he doesn't enough,
that he doesn't truly care at all.

i thought these doubting and overthinking thoughts would be gone by now, over a year into our relationship and engaged,
yet, my brain persists to doubt.

i remember the days when i'd spend hours painting, journalling, just enjoying being alone,
and now...i'm afraid of the thoughts that may enter my head during those spaces.
constant spirals of reminders of all that is or could be broken inside of me.
i'm told of god's grace and love,
and i know these truths,
but to truly believe is completely different.
how do i stop striving to make myself holy?
lovable?
good enough?
why can't it just be a simple switch one can turn on and off?
it's a whole new rewiring of neurons and thought patterns.
where do i even begin to change?
it seems so daunting and overwhelming