i really hope my gut is wrong
i know my gut is right though

i wish something like hope didn't exist
its too fallible fickle im falling

i.
your hand on my elbow,
shoulder, wrist, and i
pretend not to
notice

ii.
you sing quietly on the
way home, like maybe i won't
hear you but
i always do

iii.
call me doll, and that's
okay,
i can be yours to
play with

iv.
we smoke together for the
first time, and you blow
rings, and i dance
for you

v.
chew me up, spit me
out, it's fine just as long as you
don't watch me clean my
messes

vi.
you mention your girlfriend's
name and i
crumble

Break it.

I was told once that apathy was in my blood.
Climbing like squid ink midnight black through the ocean begging for the forlorn sun.
I have seen atrocities in these veins of mine, calling to the moon for forgiveness, I have howled a hollow cry- it has made my bones crack.
There is no room in these ribs for complacence. For apathy or for those who don't protect the petals of the heart that I wear like a fruit ripe for picking.
I am delicate but I am not hollow. I am full to the brim and I will run my tongue across the dripping pearls of honey which leak from my sides when roses coated in gold ***** me with their thorns.
I am not scared of the weight I must hold to carry these onyx bones.  I am not worried about apathy. I am not worried about the way my blood will curdle when it is tainted with poison or lust or desire. I am not worried about the way that I will sound when my heart is ripped from my chest and held between calloused palms.
I have never worried about the song I will sing when I have nothing left on my lips except the shallow cry I will leave to the world- the one that says
I have loved and I will never have to be enough for you.

It's scary
How it feels
Like to be
A leaf
Once you've fallen
At the ground
A light frail leaf
With no chance to fight
The strong tempest

It's scary
How the wind
Will be able
To blow you far
Away where you
Won't be found
Lost and floating,
wanting to rest
(But you can't)

dusty
grey
a shadow
unfurled
snowy
dark
a heart
perched
cliffside edge
wind blowing
sea waves lapping
staring out
into the water
wondering what it
will be like to
jump out
and
fall
and
sink

Down the rabbit hole,
and off the beaten path,
I met you smiling,
arms open, ready to laugh

I couldn't get enough of that infectious grin;
My eyes greedily lingered on you
as if a look gave me everything.

I had great expectations for my new found friend; you untangled some knots to make my heart beat right again. I envisioned us together, just two people, having fun. But I guess things that are as sweet as honey and rich as vanilla must come to an end.

I got unfairly close.
a mistake on my front.
I couldn't help myself from getting near
such a warm, cozy light.
I'm like a moth on a zapper... I should have know what was right.
You illuminated my world,
Like a candle in a dark room.
I was too fixed on the flame to notice the mess being made,
wax dripping to the table,
slowly making the candle smaller and smaller.

It ended with earl gray.
A hot cup of tea.
Too bad I had to nock it
all over me.

He never said the words to me
He never told me why
All he did was turn his back and run away
He never told me what he thought
He never said goodbye
He left me there with all my thoughts
But not a reason why

Now I'm here
With all my hopes and dreams
Plummeting
Here I am
Holding on to what is left of me
Can you see

I'm holding on to what I see
When I close my eyes
I'm not there yet
This road is long
But trust me
I'll get there

I looked at him long and hard wondering
Why he left
Why he's high
I know he's not the type of guy
To be a man and face the facts
That he's a complete mess
Sometimes I wish he'd look at me
And what I am and say
I can't believe I let you down
I wish he'd come back now so I could say
It's too late
You've wasted your days on a binge
Because you've lost the fight too long ago

I'm holding on to what I saw
When I'd dream at night
It might seem dark
It might be hard
But trust me
I'll get there

I'm staring off into space.
Again while he speaks.
I'm thinking about other things.
Like the falling autumn leaves.
Thinking about what it would be like
For him when I'm gone.
Wondering who would miss me
I'm wondering if I'll stay long.
I'm slowly coming back,
Picking up words here and there.
Missing the feelings I lack.
Needing people like air.
He's still talking.
Except now he staring with hope in his strange eyes.
And I feel guilt rushing through me.
"Wait what?" I ask, with blankness on my face.
And so as he looks right at me,
He gets up and walks away.