ingredients | serves: 1

three nights spent in a haze wrapped around each other before the fog lifted and clarity chased the glow away
five soft smiles that were lost in the limbo between want and need
two hundred and eighty four barely-there, feather-light caresses, stolen while they were asleep
two sets of heartbeats in sync with each other
one hundred and twelve sweet nothings whispered under the safety net of darkness
one song sung to you as they nursed you back to health, already stripped and chopped
four cups of air you’ve breathed into each other
seventy two fleeting moments in which you looked up at their face and you felt your stomach churn
four tablespoons of the sweat that dripped from your bodies and seeped into the sheets that first night you touched
two willing bodies
one heart

directions | preparation: 8 months

step one

gather one of the two bodies and prop it up against the wooden chair.

step two**

grab the remaining body and lean it against the doorway.

step three

don’t say anything. don’t break the spell. don’t ruin the recipe. you only have one chance at this.

step four

set the temperature to slow burn for three weeks and let it simmer.

step five

once you feel the fire in your veins hot enough to melt glass, the burning in your fingers strong enough to leave a mark, and the bubble in your throat threatening to burst, imagine yourself in a block of ice and swallow up the words that try to slip past your lips. i love you. note: do not let them out.

step six

finely crush the seventy two moments where your stomach had a mind of its own. do not let it show. you can’t afford to waste those moments.

step seven

mix in the the barely-there caresses and for each lost smile, stir for an additional week, because that’s how long you’ll be thinking of them before you even realise how much space they’ve taken up inside your mind.

step eight

pour the cups of the air you’ve shared into a blender for three nights, then mix in the sweat, and place in the fridge to chill. never let them thaw. do not hurt yourself by reminiscing.

step nine

place the heart in your hands and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze until the blood spills onto the broken chopping board that is your rib cage and then throw it away. an empty heart serves no purpose.

step ten

say your prayers and hope for the best.
you wanted a love potion, didn’t you?
you’re in luck, this will only cost your soul.

I have no right to be jealous,
Of you and that perfect woman.
She is definitely yours,
And you are hers of course.

I have no right to be jealous,
If you brushed your fingers through her hair.
You look at her divinely in the eyes,
And mine are misty for my heart cries.

I have no right to be jealous,
If you kiss her ever so softly.
You whisper her words of caress,
I'm locking my soul in self-made fortress.

I have no right to be jealous,
When you speak her name gently.
Drawling each syllable with care,
I wish to have that girl's name to be fair.

I have no right to be jealous,
When you give her the whole universe.
You offer her the most simple "I love you",
I yearn to reply freely "me too".

I looked for a word to say.
   but I could not find one today.
I had hoped to find a word that would stay in your heart.
   That would show you exactly what tore us apart.

I hate what you did... I hate you so deeply.
I hate what you said... I hate you so passionately.
I hate what you made me... I hate you so sweetly.

I look at you and I cannot tell what is in your eyes.
   I speak directly to you but all that comes out of your mouth are lies.

I see how you hurt.
I see how you hurt me.
I just do not understand.

All your true feelings are kept and safely hidden in a far far away land.
   Is this a land we call love?
And now it is a destruction.
   A land God has made from above.
And now we call it seduction.

Its true in a way we both long for each other.
  But we both see to long for another.
Another human being we both thought we were
   But now it seems that this human being I thought you were is now a blur.

This is a bitter sweet heart
   That will end in eradication.
This is a bitter sweet part that needs some construction.

Why I hold on?
I do not know.
I probably will never know why.

I should move forward... Yes
But I feel like I would rather just die.

You caused obliteration deep into my heart.
You caused obliteration because you thought it was smart.

I hate what you did... I hate you so deeply
I hate what you said... I hate you so passionately.
**I hate what you made me... I hate you so sweetly

those eyes of yours
they're filled with love
I want you
to look at me that way
but this is reality
and you love my best friend

I love you*
you love her
I'm here waiting for you
to love me, not her

A drop in the ocean
A change in the weather
I was praying that you and me might end up together*

~

I never belonged in your life.
I'm  just a chapter that's about to end.
Or maybe I wasn't a chapter at all,
Just a single paragraph would do.
I know I don't have the right,
To feel hurt or sad,
For I am nothing and so is my heart.
I feel the burst of emptiness,
In almost every moment.
Please let me have peace,
And take my heart,
For it wasn't mine anymore,
Let me be just empty,
Cold, dark and numb.
Let me forget you.
Let me move on.
Let me be free.

-MCJ

I am slowly liking him.
A friend whom I just met.
I was caught off guard.

His aura is so different.
He's funny and cute.
He hates how loud is my voice
Then he covers my mouth.

He's athletic.
I was impressed with his background.
He looks so strong.
But weak inside.

I wanna take care of him.
I wanna fall in love with him.
But I can't.
I must refrain.

I might fall for him
And that would be so painful.
Too much risk.
Too much pain, I can't handle.

Your simple messages,
A little Hi and Hello.
Things that I need,
Everyday I am waiting.

Waiting for you,
Hoping that you,
Think a little bit of me
In your everyday.

I was so drawn to you.
I can't save myself
Neither can you.
Help me. Help me.

I am falling for you.