I am afraid that before I say this
You are already gone
You are already with her
You are already a stranger

I am afraid that after this confession
You will ignore me
You will leave me out here
You are already a stranger

I am afraid that while I'm speaking right now
You are not listening
You do not care
You are already a stranger

I am afraid, I'm afraid of what we will be
If there is anything that we will be
All the what ifs may come true
I am afraid... I cannot admit my feelings for you

Ist's hard to fall out of love with him when you're constantly reminded I've just why you fell in love in the first place. You swore you would never say you fell in love again but you did and truthfully maybe you never really fell deeply in  love after him. Maybe you never fell out of love with him either. And honestly you're in love with an image of him...so whenever you see his image on social media the butterflies in your stomach fluster. The beating  of your heart races as every angry you thought you have a towards him disappear, every single one. Because maybe he was your first puppy love maybe he he was your first love maybe he is your true love and maybe isn't/wasn't and even though it kills you to be away and not know something inside you will forever be reminded of your love for him even if he'll never be yours.

He wanted me
To keep loving him
Even though
It's against my will

So I kept
Forcing the thrill
In the concept
Of a wounding scheme

I wonder what would happen if you knew,
Those times when I had a glimpse of you,
Smiling with those eyes that can't seem to be true,
Or on that day when we talk about dew,
And how my heart was racin' but you've got no clue,
Oh, what would happen if you knew,
How many times my heart aches for you,
Though in love I still feel blue,
For deep in my heart, I knew it too.
That there can be no such thing as me and you.

-MCJ

She was laughing as he pass by
Like nothing's wrong or worth a sigh,
Though deep inside she's about to cry,
She went on and live with a lie.

She watched him with a blank face
Like everything's nice and was in place
Though she's a mess and heart on race,
She went on for those long days.

She was with him in a disguise
Like her actions were not made of lies,
Though it seems her heart slowly dies,
She went on and tried to rise.

She looked at me with a familiar eye
Like telling me she's real and not a lie,
Though bothered, I just asked why,
She went on and told me she was I.

-MCJ

my first love did not love me back

i watched her from afar as her smile radiated the layers and sheets of the ground that has yet to crumble
hair held back or let down, her face shone and all i could see was the future that wasn't written at the palm of my hands
whenever our eyes reflected, in her i saw everything i could ever want
she was never beyond reach, yet whenever i held her hands and wrists, i felt her pulse skip a beat, and i knew that it was not for me
her lips met others to satisfy and her touch kissed the skin of another
but i remained by her side amongst many others
sometimes i felt as if i was closest to a wave i could ever be, only to be washed away and be brought back to shore
you are that wave, and no matter how many times i am closest to drowning, no matter how many times you drag me back to shore away from you, i will keep swimming, maybe in the hopes that someday i'll be able to join you
and to every sunrise and every sunset of everyday
to every rainfall and to every sunshine we praise
you will always be on my mind no matter what weather or day
as stupid as i sound as a love sick fool, clinging to a wave that easily slips from my skin, that leaves a stinging sensation for every attempt i try to shoot for the heart
i will always be left with sand in my ears and lips cut in between
yet i will continue to watch for that wave, and the sun that peaks through, high up in the sky without a single cloud
i will watch until the layers and sheets underneath me crumble
and even 'til death, you will always be the reminder of the first love that never loved me back

n.j.

I stopped writing when....

When I was no longer broken -
unlike before with a heart suffocated
suffocated with feelings left unspoken,
with little things gone complicated.

I stopped writing when...

When I was no longer burdened
with thoughts circling in my head,
and pain excruciating like no end -
snapped my spine through the things you've said.

I stopped writing when...

When I was no longer in love,
When I was no longer suffering the feeling of longing,
When I was no longer...

i think stopped loving you because I can't write about you anymore.*

You don't deserve to be the subject of my writing anymore.