this is when i want you the most; when its 9 30 am and it is still gray outside because the rain came early today. press your fingertips into the dips of my waist with every roll of thunder because you are here and i am here and its dark but its still a new day. in arizona, we're lucky to get rain three months out of the year, those months are called monsoon season. heavy storms that knock over chairs and threaten windows, knock on car doors begging to be let in. we count down to the start of monsoon season and i cant help but think how beautiful it is that so many people who will never meet all look forward to this one thing. when it rains, we cry, creating our own storms and puddles on tile floors with rumbling laughter for thunder. you, dear, are a monsoon, in every sense of the word; strong and beautiful and devastating. anticipated. i count down the days, and when you finally arrive, everything is finally bright; your smile supplied its own lightning. you knock on the counties of my body and make yourself at home until its time to go. monsoons always start and end with drool and you are the same way, able to create something from nothing; incredible.

When I’m around him
I lose my voice
When he touches me
I shiver, a little
The heat from his body
Warms me
His kisses…
Intoxicate me
His eyes,
Is where I lose myself
With the beating of his heart,
My skin vibrates
For him, my heart burns with desire
---AuroraRW

Forced visitations
weren't your determination.
Heartache
and mistakes.

Tore us down
like we weren't even your own.
You shut us down,
made us feel all alone.

The day you raised your hand,
I will never understand.
You lost all trust,
leaving us in disgust.

You never cared from the beginning,
how silly of me to thank you,
but as I grew
I pushed through.

I wouldn't want to be the person
I knew of you.

You taught me one thing
and that one thing is
not who to be
and who not to love.

I cannot run away from you
You're running straight into my heart
This pain is subsiding so slowly.
I can't breath this last breath
I can't weep this last tear,
You're everything I've ever feared.

When I think about those thoughts, I see nothing but fear,
I see nothing but you,
I feel nothing but a tear,
I  feel nothing but the perplexing pounding in my chest, my heart.
I do nothing but breath my silent breaths
Slowly, painfully, slowly, calmly, slowly.

I do nothing but hear the sweet clicks coming to me slowly,
I do nothing but it rises in me; the fear,
I do nothing but it comes more hastily; my breath,
I do nothing but feel so happy; it's you,
I do nothing but it pounds more rapidly; my heart,
I do nothing but they begin to appear; the tears.

I'd do anything to keep these tears,
I'd do anything to make you move more hastily; you're to slow,
I'd do anything to keep this uncontrollable heart,
I'd do anything to keep my hated fear,
To get rid of them would mean to get rid of you.
I'd do anything to keep these trembling breaths.

I want to feel your breath,
I want to wipe away your tears,
I want to be to close to you,
I'd stop being to slow,
I want to take away your fear,
I want to calm your beating heart.

They could be one; our hearts,
It could be ours; each breathe
We could tame it; our fear
They could vanish; our tears
Together we could be to slow
It could be us; me and you.

I love this world of fears and tears
I love the beating of slow hearts
I love the feeling of your breathing

Beside my window
There is a Japanese maple tree
And it is much taller
Than most of its kind
It survived the fire
That burnt down the original
House it stood next to
I want to be like it someday
I want to be able to withstand
Whatever life throws at me
And become more than I could ever dream

1/8/18
6:53 PM
You didn’t have to verbalize the fact that you were leaving me.
It’s like I had a feeling that something was wrong
Everything had been fine one minute.
Then the next you sent me a paragraph
Word for word explaining your feelings and how you really felt towards me
I’ll never forget how you honestly truly hurt me emotionally.
by saying some of the things you said
One thing that hurt me the most was how you truly never cared about me
Only telling me what you thought would soothe my questioning
Distracting me from the real issue which was that I was used
Effortlessly and without a care in the word
You truly played me like a fiddle.
I think my favorite lie that you told to me.
is how you wanted to meet me offline
Let’s be realistic  for a minute.
It wasn’t going to happen.
I wanted it so badly to happen.
But in a way I was glad that it didn’t when I realized how much you used me
Why would I want to be with someone who truly didn’t accept me for me?
During the time that it all occurred
I thought I was upset and sad knowing that we never worked out.
looking back I’m so glad that It didn’t
You are one of the many lessons in life.
one out of many
Teaching me not to trust
- when I think about how you hurt me