Today was the first time I saw my grandfather since his passing.
He had a chubbier face
and was behind the wheel of a red Toyota Camry
next to a woman who wasn't my grandmother.  
Becca was in the passenger seat beside me.  
She didn't see my knuckles turn white
as I gripped the steering wheel tighter.  
Then the light told me I could go.  
She didn't see tears fall as I accelarated into the intersection
when all I wanted to do was turn around follow
the man who wasn't my grandpa
in a car that wasn't his
to a house I'd never seen before
and wouldn't miss when I left.

I lapsed my opportunity on loving you, and now I am all alone.

Mommy went to Heaven,
but I need her here today,
My tummy hurts and I fell down,
I need her right away!
Operator, can you tell me how
to find her in this book?
Is Heaven in the yellow part?
I don't know where to look.
I think my Daddy needs her too,
at night I hear him cry.
I hear him call her name sometimes,  
but I really don't know why.  
Maybe if I call her
she will hurry home to me.  
Is Heaven very far away?
is it across the sea?
She's been gone a long, long time,  
she needs to come home now!
I really need to reach her,
but I simply don't know how.  
Help me find the number please
is it listed under "Heaven"?
I can't read these big big words,  
I am only seven.
I'm sorry operator, ,
I didn't mean to make you cry,  
Is your tummy hurting too?  
or is there something in your eye?
If I call my church maybe they will know.
Mommy said when we need help
that's where we should go.
I found the number to my church
tacked up on the wall.  
Thank you operator,
I'll give them a call.

Today in class, I saw you writing a spreadsheet
Numbering girls looks from 1 to 10
You gave me a 7, told me that was alright
But I don't want you to define my beauty with a number
To the government, I'm just a digit
To charities, I'm a statistic
To businesses, I'm only the amount I own
I want to go back to the days when you wrote poems about me
You caressed my flaws and kissed my imperfections
The day you told me I was gorgeous, I looked myself in the mirror
"I'm actually pretty" "I'm like all those other girls" I told myself
But what's changed since then?
When you fell out of love with me, did my importance sink too?
With a clear view, do my downfalls and my embarassing body diguist you?
You were too insensitive to show the slightest bit of affection
So you labelled me, gave me an average and put me in a category
To you, I just want to be human
To be beautiful
To be loved

one pill
two pills
three pills
four.

how many more
before i hit the floor?

five pills
six pills
seven pills
eight.

i think that i
can already see the gates.

nine pills
ten pills
eleven pills
twelve.

this war is ending now,
the one with myself.

thirteen pills
fourteen pills
fifteen pills
sixteen.

sorry mom
i'm a ****** up queen.

seventeen pills
eighteen pills
nineteen pills
twenty.

wait,
how many?

twenty one pills
twenty two pills
twenty three pills
twenty four

and now i am asleep
upon the floor.