Breathe deep
For the infant you cannot keep
Breathe deep
Breathe deep for the things you cannot grasp with your hands or even your heart
Breathe deep
God is closest to the brokenhearted
And though you cannot see this one through
God is doing a work in you
Your heart will heal
He has not forgotten you, far from it.
Breathe deep.

I remember crying so much that I thought eventually I’d just run out.
I remember sitting in a hospital bed waiting for doctors to tell me what my heart already knew.
I remember having to show up to an ultrasound appointment because they thought it would “still be good for me”.
I remember people telling me I should get a dog.
I remember nights feeling so alone I couldn’t stand to be awake.
I remember days I slept away just so I didn’t have to feel anything.
I remember the drawer I kept my tests in.
And I remember the day the word disappeared from the tiny screen.
I remember the overwhelming jealousy of hearing other’s pregnancy announcements.
And I remember how every ad that ran across my screen was for a baby item I would never need.
I remember every name I wrote down in the notes on my phone.
I remember not wanting to buy anything until I was absolutely sure it was happening.
And I remember the day I knew it wasn’t.

Through all of this pain,
I hope, somehow, you felt my love.

until we meet again.

I see sunshine in your eyes
And moonlight in your smile.
My effervescent star;
My rainbow child.

Eagerly, I await that flutter in your chest
Or your head laid gently to my full breast.
With lullabies and whispers, we'll lay you to bed
And a kiss upon your small, curly head.

For I have sunshine in my eyes
And moonlight in my smile.
With you, come new life;
My darling, rainbow child❤

On the shore I stand staring out
into the waves of pure wonderment
and the dark sullen sky, filled with stars
knowing that you were once one of them,
shining within the night sky
before being picked for a life here with me.

The people laughing and playing
oblivious to the absent feeling lying within.
Children enjoying the soft warm sand beneath their feet,
now you never will know such simple joys.
These are the days where I feel as fragile as a china doll
Knowing that I lost someone I never really had.

Looking out across the sea, how it stretches for miles
wishing you the peace and serenity this scene gives me.
Hoping you may get a second chance at life,
back up there among the stars where you can dream.
My little star, someone I never really had at all
but knowing what could have been I still look up to see you shining!

On the shore I stand staring out
into the waves of pure wonderment
and the dark sullen sky, filled with stars
knowing that you were once one of them,
shining within the night sky
before being picked for a life here with me.

The people laughing and playing
oblivious to the absent feeling lying within.
Children enjoying the soft warm sand beneath their feet,
now you never will know such simple joys.
These are the days where I feel as fragile as a china doll
Knowing that I lost something I never really had.

Looking out across the sea, how it stretches for miles
wishing you the peace and serenity this scene gives me.
Hoping you may get a second chance at life,
back up there among the stars where you can dream.
My little star, something I never really had at all
but knowing what could have been I still look up to see you shining!

In denial from the moment I found out,
Knew if it were true I have to turn my life around.
Ignored the fact that you were there the whole time,
knowing I was never treating myself right,
maybe that's why you were taken too soon.

A little life I didn't know if I even wanted,
Coming to terms with you being there always.
Trying to fix how I walked through life
'cause I knew I had to do right by you.
A little star that I never got to meet.

Although you had barely began to grow,
you never got to hear my voice
I never got to feel you move...
Now a days I wonder if it was my fault you never made it here,
if it was my fault my little star was taken too soon?

A little life I didn't know if I even wanted,
Getting everything on track so I could meet you.
Without being born you managed to save me
from situations I should have never been in.
You were my little star that I never got to meet.

She seems cheery at the table, husband's arm around her
Swaddled in the structure of his family home
Joining in the prayers, helping light each candle
New year strikes and she returns the smiles
Emptiness tucked in the corners where they cannot see

Yet once everyone's rushed to bed
- Pedar's no longer young, and his mother worries -
She cannot help but return to the table alone
Her smile brighter, wider, twisting into a grimace
She cradles the Seeb to her chest and bawls without words

For the son she never met, the hand she never held
The way her mother-in-law joked about grand-kids
And her husband couldn't meet her eyes
For the sense of failure she knows she should not feel
For the prayers where she hoped for fertility and health

Once more, in private, in whispered sobs she begs
The vinegar for patience, the garlic to protect
The Senjed and the Sumac for her love to bear fruit
The sprouts for a rebirth to shed the guilt of death.
Wiping the tears from her cheeks, she climbs the stairs
Returning to her place in her husband's arms.

i never got to hear your heart beat
i never got to choose a name
i keep losing you before i have you
and all i feel for you is pain

i never got to hold you
or comfort you when you cried
because again i’ve lost you
and no longer have you inside

they say that healing helps you
and moving on is for the best
but how can i sleep peacefully
knowing now you’ll forever rest

i’ve cried a million tears for you
and sang a thousand songs
because in my arms my love
is right where you belong

|content warning in notes|

i never met the little one
they flushed away that night
a fleeting dreamt up fantasy
miscarried out of sight.

i never even thought not once
a fate where they survived
but all i think about them now
is that fleeting dreamt up night.

i never met the little one
whose name i wouldn't hear
for losing more than fantasy
was too dangerous a fear.