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“but I never asked you to”
and I haven’t been the same since
I remember crying so much that I thought eventually I’d just run out.
I remember sitting in a hospital bed waiting for doctors to tell me what my heart already knew.
I remember having to show up to an ultrasound appointment because they thought it would “still be good for me”.
I remember people telling me I should get a dog.
I remember nights feeling so alone I couldn’t stand to be awake.
I remember days I slept away just so I didn’t have to feel anything.
I remember the drawer I kept my tests in.
And I remember the day the word disappeared from the tiny screen.
I remember the overwhelming jealousy of hearing other’s pregnancy announcements.
And I remember how every ad that ran across my screen was for a baby item I would never need.
I remember every name I wrote down in the notes on my phone.
I remember not wanting to buy anything until I was absolutely sure it was happening.
And I remember the day I knew it wasn’t.

Through all of this pain,
I hope, somehow, you felt my love.

until we meet again.
Today would have been my due date but some things just aren’t meant to be. I know miscarriages are pretty taboo in our society so I wanted to bring it to the surface, for the sake of myself and 25% of other expecting women.  To anyone that has suffered a miscarriage, I am so sorry you had to feel anything like this. Truly the worst pain and the most alone I have ever felt throughout these past few months. Just remember, everyone is fighting battles and moving mountains you may know nothing about, so please be kind💕
Someone,
somewhere,
thought that I could handle this.


And
somehow,
they were right.
don’t worry about me
cause I’ll figure out how to forget you

worry about you
cause you won’t forget me either
if the worst thing I do to someone
is love them a little too hard
then I think i'm doin okay
I can never live in anyone’s heart
I’m only ever allowed to visit

And with no blanket
I shiver
and leave halfway through the night

Like a kid, on a night away from home I thought I could handle

And all I’ve learned from shivering is that
while my heart may be dark and lonely
I’ll never let someone go cold
How am I always the martyr?
The test drive before the real thing.
The girl you feel you can practice on
before you give the real one a ring.

The girl who saw the potential
of a college student, unemployed.
Why does everyone else get the husband
and all I ever get is the boy?

Every one after me gets the house,
the dog and the white, picket fence.
How come everybody else just gets everything
and all I ever get is the rest?

I’m always just a stepping stone.
I’ll just be somebody else’s ex.
I always show people how to love
and then they use it on their next.
This one hits very hard.
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