...

1. I had a crush on you for two years but we were never friends. I don't know why I was so heartbroken, it was elementary school. I can laugh about it now but I remember being so hurt from it. I never loved you, but I guess I did for what nine year old me knew love to be at the time. The only reason I got over you was because once we hit middle school I only ever saw you a handful of times and eventually it burned out.

2. We were somewhat friends, but I knew completely that nothing would ever happen between us. I had my moments of being upset but I pretty quickly learned to be okay with everything, but I wish I stayed hung up on you rather than suddenly crashing into 3.

3. You were the first person I ever actually trusted with my heart. You were the first person to ever say you have feelings for me and I had thought I felt the same way back, but I know now that I never really loved you as anything more than a friend. I feel guilty for that, but I was only thirteen and you did an infinite amount of worse things to me. I loved you deeply as a friend but you did nothing but manipulate and abuse me. You lied to me about everything possible. I realized that you never loved me, even as a friend, because you are incapable of that. You are cold. You are sick. You were just feeding off my aching soul and always got a kick out of seeing me on the brink of death. You completely ******* destroyed me and left me wanting nothing but to disappear forever. What we had was not a relationship, and I'm not saying that to make myself feel better. Two months of being abused is not a relationship, it's an experience, one I wish I never had. I managed to get away but the scars still remain and the fear still lingers. The vile words you said to me still vibrate inside my head. It's been three years since we last spoke and I am still scared of everything that you are. I still write about you with the same poisonous anger I had from day one. You are the only person that I truly hate and that I can physically never forgive. Congratulations.

4. I don't know what you were. I think you were just a stepping stone I so desperately was trying to find just to know that I can have feelings for someone after 3 left me crying on the cold bathroom floor gasping for air. I knew you would never have any feelings for me back, you couldn't, we'd only ever be friends, but even that started to fall apart too. I was distraught over our friendship fading into the void for months, you had made me so happy and I loved goofing off with you. But after meeting new people in high school I decided that I should focus on 5 since I'd have a much better chance. I still see you around and you messaged me a month ago and it threw me off. I don't have any feelings for you at all anymore, but it's weird to see you and know how I used to feel and how dramatic I was over losing someone who never really cared.

5. You came into my life when I needed it most. You gave me genuine happiness and made me genuinely excited to wake up in the morning just so I could see you before class. Things haven't always been the best between us, but we made amends and always fought through this hell of a life together, even if that meant arguing with each other from time to time too. We both grew together. You are the first person I've ever truly been in love with, and that's such a big deal for me since I was fully convinced after 3 I was never going to trust and be happy with anyone. I didn't think I could physically love after being so destroyed and abused. I knew you'd be important to me from the moment I saw you, and that sounds so childish. I know you can't love someone without knowing them, but I had a feeling, that hunch of knowing you would be something valuable in my life. I've gone through love and heartbreak with you. Watching you love and have feelings for others has been one of the most painful experiences of my entire life, but I tried my hardest to be supportive and happy for you, just like a friend should. But I'm sorry that I love you. You never asked that of me, you never asked me to love you as anything more than a friend. I tried to prevent it from happening, but that's not how it works. And I tried to force myself to move on, for both of our sakes, but forcing feelings to go away only makes them stronger. I'm sorry that I still love you, even after all this time. I haven't gotten over it, and I'm not sure I ever will. I know you want someone who's fully committed and I swear that's me but it means nothing if you don't feel the same way back. But either way I promise that you are all I think about.

// k.q.h.

Cosmic projections underlying in spaces
as warm sunburnt bodies move together across the floor
purple lights in neon glow attached to the ceiling,
mind spinning with the fluorescence.
And youth- your mind is spinning with how young you are
only seventeen
you carry the burden in your stomach the sadness on your shoulder.
You are much too young to have abundant regrets
to be living yet dead in a bitter grave.
Wrong choices overlap each other as the grave gets deeper- I know that sometimes it feels hopeless.
Banter with old friends about the aliens and rehab centers, the girl who taught you four square teaching you how to torch the end of a crack pipe.
Cycles of the same tornadoes, dreams of constant death,you’ve seen your best friends dead body more times than you will admit. Yet they’ve never imagined yours, or imagined you, or cared.
The rose colored glasses are ripped from your face given to the other unsuspecting girl who will walk the same journey I did with him.
One-sided friendships get lonely
lovers are no longer loving
and the pino has run out.
The purple lights manifest into messages coming across the lifeline simulation- Give up those who have fallen silent, your mission is not with them.
The mission is uncertain
get a man to prison
to watch a wild orca
have a family
but the process is daily.
My mission right now is to live freely let my hair grow and stick my head out the window singing Janis Joplin tunes on the 105.5
The aliens come through once again to extend long hands and acid tabs offering insight into treasures unknown.
Time capsules I have yet to bury.

The great thing about cycles is you can stop them.

"... sent you a message"
"... tag you in a post"
"... sent you a direct message"
"... mentioned you on twitter"
"... tag you in a picture"

Those notifications were the best to receive
knowing that you were thinking of me when you came across something
Knowing that you'd text me without me texting you first

I'd do the same thing too
Because you're always on my mind

But now with you gone,
My notifications are empty
And I can no longer send you posts that reminds me of you.

Maybe I'm right
Maybe I'm wrong
I hear multiple messages
From where I belong

Am I belong there?  
Am I belong to shell ?
Am I strong enough?
To jump over hell?

Multiple messages
Combining worst and best
Multiple messages
They say me to not rest
Multiple messages
And I'm driving crazy
Multiple messages
I'm movelless however it is easy

Maybe I'm right
Maybe I'm wrong
Maybe I should
Maybe It's too long

Now I realised
My messages are  the same
Now I watch it from behind
There are stickers everywhere

On every thing in universe
The stickers Say
Experience

and when your name appears in the notification bar of my phone,
my face shines brighter than the screen of my phone