Oh Vincent
if only you had known
the world would one day marvel
at your sunflowers
and those waving fields of grain
you left us
but they will remain
a part of you
the beating heart of you
the art of you
for your success was unforeseen
you left us
with what might have been

it was a summertime dream
where you could be whoever you wished
where you could ask for whatever you wanted
warm white sun graced our dark world, shining
swimming pool was bright blue, glistening yellow and gold

cooling myself off from the amusing heatwave, i had the most fun
when was the last time i truly laughed and was joyous?
my heart sang and i was afraid for a moment–oh the weight to be happy!
i let go of the fear, and i hummed the tune to every boy i half-loved
in hope i could open up to life–a girl can’t be this wistful

and simon was hilarious, he was the bigger man,
he was the life i needed myself to open up to, his sunburnt arms around my waist,
and there’s a feeling of great loss in me i needed to bury deep
besides simon, the hollowness in me stayed–how do we bury a hollowness?
with diamonds and an innocent boy, and more diamonds, simon said

the pale blue dome was washed with gold crimson rays now
and summertime had to end eventually, with me stayed these memories to get by
when i was blue and cold and aching in my father’s misty, lush grave
simon too was vanished, his promises lingered on my fingertips sealed with his kisses
he loved me that summer and that summer only

i tried to say goodbye to my grief,
the thing that has made a home
inside of me;
the mother of my craft,
the suffering i cherish.

but now i know,
she is a tenant of permanence,
inside me, she is a remnant
of both love and memory.

sincerely, ileana.

I have but you to love,
it is only you I dare
to want so violently

I am afraid of
my relentless
yearning for you

It sickens me
to want this much
and for so long

I have never wished for you
to turn into a memory that
only brings me great pain

I think I found myself lost, maybe.
You're just a girl...yes a lady.
You just were around me and
I felt the hairs stand on end.
Heart beating quickly.

I the pretty dolled up one,
I lost all my self control
I said I loved you and...

Why? You for such a simple cute girl, a lady,
"Not in blue-dressed in pink,"
Could have such huge boyish brown eyes,
Yours was short raven hair, "or like a wildcat" I think,
It grows now full all around your sweater.
I am of the impression that I could fall
Into them all, and be swept away a feather.

Yes I fell, I was "mad idiot" and I lost,
Just to a simple short girl,
With colorful beads in lace,
You could hold me in your embrace,
So much where my heart belongs.
And one like lightning could strike me,
Just you...being so very wild...so strong...

arise vehement sea
and hammer
with your suffering fists
all the crags
and lonely stones
upon the shores of
the naked coast

where crouches
at edge of bluff
the foundations raw
cantilevered walls
and the arcing buttresses
that shelter dreams
held secret

hurl your agonized and
eager waters
at stone and mortar
shake the bedrock
on which rest
the touchstones
in the deepest cellars

let your echoing tremors
buffet and rebound
within the resonant chambers
hidden below

your ululating winds
calling to memories
in their veiled towers
peering from windows
narrow and high

their fluttering lamps
clinging to the light

they search the tumult
with eyes fearful and uncertain
cloaking forsaken desires
that thirst without end

quiet wakefullness
gradual, like the creeping dawn
a feeling of.. loss––why?
the taste of a dream on the tongue
the tears of a dream on the cheeks
a haunting, fleeting memory
a girl? a warrior?
a protector? the loss of a friend  
death, life, spiralling
mental hands grasping at threads
slipping, drifting away
too soon, too soon
the wish to claw back into the dream world
eyes tight shut, forcing
forcing sleep, inability
gates closed to the woken
yet it was there
for a moment, the full memory
the memory of a dream
fading to a brush; a light touch
trying, trying to remember
but now a mere dream of a dream
an impression, gone with the light

Would any care
For a lost soul
A shattered heart
A scattered mind?
Would any dare?

Broken heart, fractured mind
What more is there to seek
What more is there to find
In this dark, desolate place?
What more can be seen
Within a worn visage,
Upon a weary face?

Eyes dim and dull
Framed carefully
Within a weighted skull

From its pale
Smooth surface
Cracked throughout the crown
Creep a peculiar flower
The sorts blossoms slowly
Bringing into full bloom
Petals of the soft hue
Forget Me Not
In its pale shade of blue

- Jay M
April 28th, 2022