The sum of my heart
needs no addition to it-
the answer is you.

10:51 AM
17/5/20

So we had geography homework,
And also Latin and Maths.
I didn't do any of those.
We had a study hour, so I was copying the Math answers from the answer keys.
Two of my best friends didn't have any books.
I jokingly said; you can do my homework if you want.
They're doing my homework now.
Oh my ******* god.

Homework looks at me
I really do not want to
... **** it. Tomorrow.

Cold and calculating
There are equations that need to be solved
I've been contemplating
These situations that'll eventually have to be resolved

Some people leave their mark
Some people bring about change
But it won't change who we are
Instead our species's endangered

The consequences arise from when our heart unfuse
Only a matter of time before we blow the fuse
They call it love, only because they see through abuse
One sided relationships always leave the other used

Claws ready to tear every ligament to shreds
Scream at me, my heart is what broke
Dysphoria won't make me find you dead
It's inevitable that I'm going to croak

There's a reason why they call me magician
I'll confuse your mind, I'll put on a illusion
You'll never notice, without me, there's ok in broken
Your thoughts would never be your own, still harmed by all unspoken.

The thought of death, it pushes me harder
Because overworked bodies don't last longer
This equation backfired because now I'm stronger
Now I'll have to experience the pain for much longer.

like parallel lines
                  
                                        we'll never meet

I'm an equation
      that no one added up to.

But you where one
that multiplied the meaning
            of what it was to love.

Never taking way from life,
             you where my equal.

We where a sum of parts
            that made sense.

I am sorry mum
for everything,
For who I am,
For what i've done.

I am sorry mum,
For everything,
For what im not,
What I havent done.

I am sorry mum,
For staying away,
For being with friends,
For being far away.

I am sorry mum,
That I am ugly,
For what I wear,
For the state of my hair.

I am sorry mum,
That my opinions are wrong,
That I spoke without asking,
For the things that I know.

I am sorry mum,
That you think I dont care,
That I have upset the family,
That they never wanted me there.

I am sorry mum,
That you couldnt love me,
That I wasnt normal,
That other people like me.

I am sorry mum,
That I have expressed things,
That I have dropped things,
Caused a mess in your home.

I am sorry mum
That I wanted to study,
That I liked being outside,
And that I looked untidy.

I am sorry mum,
That Im an embarrassment,
Have caused so much shame,
And that I cause you pain.

I am sorry mum,
That im always a disappointment,
Showed you my photos of Africa,
I know now that I shouldnt.

I am sorry mum,
That I didnt have the right friends,
That I didnt wear enough make-up,
That I read about Science, not fame.

I am sorry mum,
For being vegetarian,
For picking out bits of meat,
In front of everyone.

I am sorry mum,
For when I didnt know what i'd done,
And you had to stand on my foot,
Or pinch me ******* my arm.

I am sorry mum,
For going walking,
For not doing house work instead,
Or finding something else to be done.

I am sorry mum,
For my work with charities,
For my love for Africa,
For feeling there so free.

I am sorry mum,
For having weird phobias,
And letting you down,
By mentioning it to others.

I am sorry mum,
That I struggle with Maths,
For being dyscalculaic,
I know this is bad.

I am sorry mum
For causing you sickness,
And for not being there,
I know it looks like I dont care.

I am sorry mum
For upsetting others,
Being the cause of all problems,
And hurting my brother.

I am sorry mum,
For my choice of work,
For the places i've been to,
For not always putting you first.

I am sorry mum,
That I made you so angry,
You had to hit me in the face,
And I made you go to bed unhappy.

I am sorry mum,
That I was quiet in school,
That Claire was my best friend,
That we were both quiet in school.

I am sorry mum,
That I chose Scotland,
For moving far away,
It cannot be forgiven.

I am sorry mum,
For my musical instruments,
I know I dont play them well,
That I gave you a headache instead.

I am sorry mum,
That I played the violin,
At my brothers wedding,
For you- ruining everything.

I am sorry mum,
That i;ve never been good enough,
That I always let you down,
I am just never good enough.

I am sorry mum,
For speaking about family,
For letting you down again,
And the family.

I am sorry mum
That I struggled so much,
You had to put chilli in my mouth,
As I couldnt do my homework.

I am sorry mum,
That I went "home"
That I let the **** happen,
That I spoiled your "name".

I am sorry mum,
That I do not love you,
I have cursed myself and tried,
But I cannot love you.

But I still hear your voice,
And it tortures me still,
And the thought of your anger,
Still gives me chills.

I am so sorry mum,
That I am a failure,
But I am no longer "Emma"...
...I am "Nomkhumbulwa"....