its not that i want views
i just want to be validated
to feel like somebody gets me.
like i'm not a ******. 

its not that I want friends
i just don't want to be alone.
to feel like i can share my thoughts freely
like i don't have to cower in a corner all day

its not that i want to be happy 
i just want to feel normal.
to feel like my conditions don't define me.
to break free from the grasps of 
anxiety, depression, addiction.

its not that i want to die
i just don't want to be here anymore. 
to not feel anything 
to be whole.

i can't climb out
of the hollow.
small victories, they say,
take pleasure in them,
before they slip
through your lungs
like air that won't stay.

but everywhere i turn,
darkness throws a fit.

half a book done,
thirty days clean—
the kind of milestones
that make me feel... me.
instead
i sit like a ghost
beneath the frog’s ****,
waiting for tomorrow
as if it's a fresh start,
not full of uncertainty.  

nothing happens.

i stare at the screen,
binge never have i ever
until my eyes bleed—
but it doesn't help.
nothing does.
heaviness lingers
like a secret kept,
as i wait for time to pass.

all i do is wait.
for a meeting,
for a friend,
to hold that ****** chip
in my hand—
all i do is wait.
not because i'm strong.
but because i'm so ****
tired sometimes
to let go.

The rays of the sun reflect on my eyes, from early this morning.
Thus I am still weary, Ye I shall scorn.
I try to chase the wind; my mind is too unique.
My heart filled with rage, O my why today.

2. Now it is noon, thus the scorching heat.
The boredom is depressing, for all I do is sit.
Perhaps I am contemptible, for my laziness.
My selfishness is outrageous; I am without context.

3. The sun is down, my energy is depleted, my willingness is diminished.
I am full of pain, relieve me of my misery.
Thou cannot save me, I am derisive.
Who will come to my aid, for I am dismissive.

Take a seat, you look tired
Did you hear what she said she liked our smile, she admired
Don’t trust them remember what happened last time
Please shut the **** up I’m trying to think of a rhyme

You are trying to heal yourself, you think you can do that
Don’t tell me to look back at the **** chat
You weren’t good enough for them, you think your good for the new group
It’s not going to happen, it’s not going to loop
Oh please your so ******* stupid, you care too much about people
Shut the **** up please, you and OCD are evil
We bring you back to reality, make you see things you don’t see
I’m not getting high again, I’m not getting the Peace-Tea

You don’t need a therapist, just keep being numb
You made me ashamed of where I came from
They laughed at you for your old skin color, didn’t they
Wish I could shut you up, wish there was a way
You used to talk to me every night when your heart was hurting
You make me ******* suicidal, stop flirting
Like how you did with death multiple times, once with the rope and now with the pills
They care about me okay, I know that **** I told them gave them chills

Why can’t you leave my head alone
Bought to ******* up and leave you red and blue, maybe break a bone
Oh please not this **** again, you ****** up my mind enough
Not just me but that girl also made it rough
I still have the scar from her, you guys ****** up my feelings
Yeah we did and you were almost hanging from the ceiling
The numb feeling is wearing off, almost cried in front of them
You think they give a ****, your not a rare gem

You know our family cares about us, they don’t hate us
Oh please remember the last time you tried to talk to them and what did y’all discuss
Please they never dealt with anybody with my type of mind, it’s their first time
Nah if they could they would sell you, actually nah you ain’t worth a dime
You don’t believe any compliment we get, we have no vanity
Have you not looked at the mirror, your hideous, honestly what’s this insanity
Come on they seemed really nice, maybe they were into us though
We are going to get in the way and you already know

Take a seat, you look tired
Did you hear what she said she liked our smile, she admired
Don’t trust them remember what happened last time
Please shut the **** up, I’m trying to think of a rhyme