one: you have chosen to inhabit my inner thoughts. you won’t leave my head for days, weeks even.

two: i catch myself staring at your lips, examining you face, wondering what it would feel like to have it pressed against mine as our bodies breathe together.

three: there is a sharp pain in my chest when i see you. i picture what it would be like if you were holding my hand instead of hers.

four: together, we belong. the first time i told you i loved you, i meant it. the first time you told me you loved me, i believed you.

five: the last time i saw you was five minutes ago, but i already miss you.

six: the last time i spoke to you was a month ago, and i miss you. what happened?

seven: i can’t bring myself to get out of bed, everything reminds me of you.

eight: you called me for the first time in a while tonight, asking if we could just talk for a bit

nine: it took every part of me to stop myself from pouring my heart out to you once again

ten: i’m glad i hung up

I have never been so hesitant to say
“It is over”
Over before it has started
I intentionally make sure my heart is safe
I cover it up with plastic
so much so that it suffocates
Nothing in this world is more painful
Than heartache
It sets the mind back
Twists the soul
Makes you weep til there is nothing left
I have not felt this pain for a long time
Tears fall.....dropping into a pool of sadness.
Ready to give up the load and feel numb
I can’t say I am over this...but honestly I am
I have to be....
For my sanity is slipping.
As I try to run away from this madness they call love.

I don’t think I will ever have the courage to tell you how I feel. I am just going to write it to myself right here. Last I gave my heart to someone it fell through, I was so sure of it I bet my life. I put it to the test and found out just how bad were for each other. Then another and another. Time is hasty and I feel my time nearing. I am not sure what is going through your mind and I am not going to pretend to know. I can only guess. The events that have been happening have lead me to feel this way. I believe in my heart there is something in your heart for me. I am your friend first...one day maybe more. I don’t know if you want this for a brief moment or for a while. I cannot do a brief moment with you. I think that would destroy me. I have not felt this way about a person in a long time. Maybe I am babbling maybe I am imagining all of this. I feel like this has been going on for a while. Here and there. Please tell me what you are thinking....feeling?? Help me understand so I can understand these feelings or give them up. I don’t want to say I love you but I do I feel the words pressing against my lips as I suppress them from coming out. I don’t want to freak you out but I truly do love you. I am having a hard time admitting this to myself because I have been heartbroken a couple times which has made me doubtful and jaded. When I am with you those feelings disappear and all I feel is warmth and real love. Or is it my imagination. So many feelings all over the place. I feel like I am a chaotic mess because I am entranced and spelled by you. I know of the current situation and it is killing me. I stayed away so long but I can no longer do it. Breath me in or breath me out. Let me in or let me go. I wish to always be your friend if anything but I don’t ever think I can stop loving you

I listen to the way you lie to me,
the voices in the windchill,
the lapping of long waves against a distant shore,
the wails of ghosts far from home,
and I think about it
about us;
about you;
about me.

What does it say
that I have missed every single opportunity I have ever been given
and directed so much anger--
so much bitterness
at myself
that I can only ever be tired?

I listen to to the wind in leaves,
the wailing of trees,
the moaning of old beams,
the sound of water dripping into a bowl,
and the answer.

I listen to the answer.
I listen to the answer.

It’s sad to think that I knew you by something more than just your name and the color shirt you wore on a hot summers day. I used to know your fears and the books you read that changed your life. I once knew the color you’ve always wanted to dye your hair or the boy you’ve liked for so so long. I used to know you by something more than just that blank stare. I saw him the other day just on the corner down the block I turned my face the other way because I was scared of the conversations we once had and the way we told our stories with no regret. I was scared of what used to be and the thought of that never being again.

it may seem
overdone
to write about love

but once you have it
it is impossible
not to want to share.

love is a cookie sample
at a grocery store
unexpected and surprisingly delicious.

love is a street dog
fed better than its owner
scruffy and fearless and full of hope.

love is what you thought you lost
but like a lucky penny
tends to appear on its own.

slowly
surely
quickly

i am falling
but it is the most glorious fall
in my life

and when i hit the ground
the asphalt will taste just as sweet
as the descent.

it may be overdone to write about love
but i couldn't care less today.
you are worth all my words.