dear lover,
they asked me why i loved you, but to be honest, i knew more than i wanted to. i always would state that i didn't know, because it had felt like my heart knew more than my mind did-- that my body knew more than i could ever fathom. when my words fail just like dreams do, the question echoes-- why do i love you?
is it because of the way you put your forehead against mine, or the way you **** me and revive me with just the utter of my name? your name makes me dance. watch me twirl to your music even in your silence. your love is the most beautiful, horrid tune i've ever heard-- i'll dance in your flames and let my one-sided love burn me out. one match lit lover and oh my stars, look how i shine for you.
i exchanged wishful words with the meteor rocketing across the sky, "can you send my love to him? oh please, shower him in my celestial kisses and burning body. oh, how i wish i was you, so he could watch my skin glisten and gleam and gaze upon all my glory. maybe he'd call me beautiful once more and taste the air that i currently reside. so far, yet just an inch closer. oh, selfishness doesn't compare to my nightly despair! watch me die and be reborn as the brightest heavenly body so he will look up at me and know that i am here-- watching him and protecting him and loving him-- a star is as close as i can be to being his angel. my love as the heavenly fuel for my radiance, he'll look up at me and think of my name. that too much to wish for? too much to aspire for!? don't you know that one-sided love is like an unclaimed, cold planet aimlessly orbiting around the sun? awaiting for a warmth that will never come?"
the shooting star didn't respond and left me with the pregnant silence of my own melancholy. if the star were to speak, it'd tell me that i am nothing more than a mere fool who loves gently, but is never enough and too much all the same time; a sweet treat gone sour and a future cavity.
so why do i love you so dearly, so deeply? is it because you hold my hand and stare at it with such gentle eyes? is it because of the way you light me up, tickle me, and make me guffaw until i have tears and pain in my side? is it because of your tough exterior that melts away like bittersweet chocolate when we are alone? is it because of the way your eyes soften when you talk about your interests? is it because of the way you say i'm your princess? is it the way you made me feel so beautiful and smart? is it because i felt like your equal? is it because you know exactly what i want? is it because you know me-- really know me? is it because you are my mirrored image in the flesh? or am i clouded by the delusions of what we could've been? all of this, dear heart, you are no good for my health. i told you that i didn't want anyone else when you exist and how there was no one like you to which you replied "that's not true."
you lied.
i'd rather you have died than to know you left gazing upon another with those same eyes. the same love you gave me is tripled and poured into another's chalice; torturous couldn't even begin to describe my pain. i'll rip my eyes out their sockets with bare hands that you once have touch than to defile them with the sight of my lover with the Delilah of a woman-- she will be your downfall as i am praying on it. with your name shouted as my religious mantra, you are my most divine, sweetest disgrace. you are an abomination amongst peers and an apparition that slices the tendons of my wrists and heels in your love's absence. reading through old messages and reminiscing about the way you used to speak to me-- i used to be a woman you said you'd worship at my feet, but you'd fallen for a power far greater than mine.
with her around, i will always be last place.
a flash of purple light roused me from my slumber and i thought i saw you--i promise you, i did. your silhouette haunts me so...our messages, our words, our laughs, our tears, all our 'ours' gravelly whisper in my ears. i fought against the pools of brine, that eventually won the battle, as they fell from my eyes. i cried out and begged for you tonight. i am nothing but a pawn in the ultimate war of life; love is a losing game of chess and you say, "checkmate."
i know that if i were on my death bed, ill and lame, all it would take were for you to say i love you one last time and even god would be witness to your miracles.
history books may not know about us nor will they speak on us, but i will remember you.
i may not know why i love you, but i do know how i cannot live without you. you are not mine, but i am yours-- always and forever. my king, my world, my darkness, and my light, i love you. speaking of you in the past tense is the most painful, yet glorious experience, for i can't wait for the day you are no longer on my mind. thank you.
with love and grace,
kai
