I can see it in your eyes
the disgust you have for me
but I won't stop loving you,
even when you tell me lies and promises are long forgotten
will you tell me stories and make funny faces when I reveal the truth that you have been trying so long to uncover
No.
I don't love when you say the word "Husband"
but do you ever wonder why
I wouldn't say I hate men when you remind me of my brothers
but can you remind me of that picture in my memories -
a man looking at an 8 year old me in a skirt jumping high and happy
while I play with my jump rope and pleasuring himself?
Do you want me to surrender to my hateful memories of men I have met.
Won't you stop spitting words of hate towards people of the same gender kissing
would you do that to me?
Will you still love me
just like I love you
Mom

The love around
Didn't suffice,
So i ran towards
sins.

every morning,
i wake with the light
of the sun in my eyes.

it’s a gentle yet sudden wake-up call,
as if the universe is
softly knocking on my window,
politely asking for entry
and barging into my bedroom
before i can allow any reply of admittance.
the newly opened door
invites the day ahead of me
to come breezing in,
responsibilities i had disregarded
before i drifted off hours prior
now hanging over me
like an overworking, demanding stormcloud.

i turn to my left and think of you,
still silent in your sleep
as the morning begins to begin out west.
the flowers atop your dresser
reach out to you,
admiring your beauty just as i am
from two thousand miles southeast.
i hope you’re dreaming of something peaceful.
i hope nothing ever wakes you before you’re ready.

i want nothing more than to be with you in this moment,
staining the blankets in your room with my scent
with every second i’m allotted.
or, i wish you were wrapped up with me in mine,
so that after you leave,
i can look for the similar impressions you’ve made
to preserve the memory of being with you
as perfectly as i can.

“a few more years,” you always say.
i’ve been counting down those seconds
since the moment you asked me to be yours.
saying yes to you was
the easiest decision i’ve made.
beginning to love you
a decade before i can give you a ring
and knowing it’s impossible
to flip the table where the waiting game is played
is the most difficult feeling i’ll ever know.

someday,
i’ll wake to the sounds
of you shifting next to me.
my eyes will open,
and yours will inevitably meet them
as you turn to face me.
our cat will jump up onto our bed,
and as snow falls outside
and the subway zips underneath us
below the earth we’ve conquered,
you’ll show me that same smile
that i pledged myself to
all those years ago.

in other words,
i’ll wake with the light
of the sun in my eyes.

and in its warmth,
i’ll find enough to bask in
to last me a lifetime.

well,
i'm not totally sure what to say.

but regardless of whether or not
i can get a hold of my words
and shove them into my mouth
so i stop making a fool of myself,

we find ourselves here
at this fork in the road.

i'm not much of a driver
nor a great decision maker.

but as we're making our bright red,
three second stop,
your hand finds my shoulder as if it was designed for it.
the magnets click into place
as the turn signal blinks at the touch of my hand,
and i follow it down the path
i promised us both that i would take.

it's an ordinary thing,
the road we've found ourselves on.
and yet,
i've never driven through snow on a beach before.
i can't seem to get myself used to the weather.

i take in the surroundings
and remind myself to breathe
as your grip on my shoulder loosens.

i feel as though we're doomed,
seeing visions of our car being driven off the cliff
that i swear i keep seeing
in the rear view mirror.

i brace myself for the impact,
the crash,
the fire.

but instead,
you roll the window down
and poke your head outside,
taking in the light wind
as we continue cruising.

the sun shines on your face
as if it knows
you are made of its light.
it opens its arms
to welcome you home,
and you smile and laugh
and tell me to turn the radio up.

so as we speed down the blacktop,
we let the world hear our songs.
and yet, they remain ours and ours alone.

the moment is ours
and ours alone.

we are ours
and ours alone.

and i am yours.
i am terrified of what lies ahead,
but i am yours.

and your body next to me
in the passenger seat
is all i need
to keep me on the right track.

william william william william william william william william william william

w
wi
wil
will
willi
willia
william  
willia
willi
will
wil
wi
w

william william william william william william
william william william william william william william william william william william william
william william william william william william

do i like him
yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

will i ever be with him
probably not probably not probably not probably not

am i sad about it
yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

why do i like him
his eyes, his smile, his music taste, his curly hair, his sense of humour, his laugh, him

like an inaccessible mountain
he stands there
looking majestic and
beautiful
i will not ever be with him
and looking at him reminds me
he is not mine
he will not be mine
he can not be mine
unless god intervenes

i don’t want clever conversation
never want to work that hard
i just want someone that i can talk to
i want you just the way you are


not going to be his
not going to be anything but a friend
not going to run my hands through his black curls
not going to see him after we graduate college
not going to talk to him
not going to spend maths lessons with him
not going to talk to him in pe
not going to shove him again

what will i do
get a husband that’s not as good as him
one that doesn’t make me laugh like he does
one who doesn’t have his sense of humour, his curls, his music taste
one that isn’t him

what a **** life
a life without will french
a life without the man who makes me feel like someone cares about me

a life without oxygen
i don’t want to compromise
i’d rather have him
please god
god
god
god
lord
jesus
father
please
yahweh
let me be with him
a heaven without him isn’t heaven
heaven is perfect
he is perfect
perfection
perfect like
the rain
a black cat
his eyes
his hair
his freckles

Bones asleep on ocean floors
tell a story like no other,
we are a natural machine,
a creature cursed.
To soil, earth, rock,
it's been no time at all.
To us it’s been an eternity.

I think humans each have a few fundamental flaws,
and that each one is its own personal tragedy.
I think one or two are someone else.
A natural result of hearts incompatible,
not everyone can love you back.

You are to devour me one day,
or perhaps I, you.
Currently we are blank slates,
beings so young,
beings so old.
We knew each other back then,
I can feel it.
Quarks coming together,
fossilised footprints whose paths intersect,
fish in a fishbowl,
rats in a cage.
But one day you are to devour me,
or perhaps I, you.
And we will be joined as we once were,
two people sharing a body,  
hearts beating together,
lungs expanding as one.

The word soulmate springs to mind,
the idea of my heart beating anywhere
but besides yours terrifies me.
It unsettles me,
makes me sick, absent.

And I’ve felt this absence for years,
it's starting to get to me,
weigh me down, a led balloon,
a ship in the storm,
pockets filled with rocks.
A part of me wants you to feel it too.
Another hopes you never know such a weight.

Sometimes I can’t stand it, alone in my chest,
I lay it out on the table,
watch it pulse and ooze, beat painfully,
beat alone,
and I dream of a time long ago,
an eternity away,
where you and I were there, combined,
with no before and with no after,
quarks coming together,
rats in a cage,
thoughts lying only with each other.

I dream of a future, much the same,
our hearts beating, our lungs breathing,
thoughts simultaneous,
laying side by side,
bones asleep on ocean floors.

Kicked down.
Cold floor. Breath thinner than the air.
Get up.
Hands reach, no grip.
Alone, lost again.
Crying echoes back to silence.
Floods of tears—
no ark, no warmth, just noise.

Thrown down.
Fallen,
too many times.
Get up, try again.
But the hands,
they never pull me up.
Just flickers of light—
brief, empty.
Alone. Lost.
I shout, but no one hears.
A flood of tears,
they turn their backs.
Flee.
Craving warmth,
but it's just cold silence.

Craving safety, security.
A place to breathe.
But the love that’s offered,
it’s conditional.
Harsh words.
Poking, pain,
no softness.
Empty arms,
no warmth.
Alone again,
lost in the night.
I’m down here,
on the cold floor.
Don’t leave me here—
please.
Not again.
Afraid.
Empty.

A burden.
A disappointment.
That’s all I am.
A ghost, never seen,
only felt.
I love, yet all I get is hate.
Thrown back at me,
cold, sharp.
No warmth for the lost,
just more silence.
Another night on the floor,
cold,
alone.

The darkness is heavy.
I can’t rise.
Maybe this is where I belong,
buried beneath the weight.
The coldness, the grime.
No line thrown.
Alone, I sink deeper.
This feels like home—
empty, silent,
a place no one calls their own.
Another night,
heart breaking,
again.

I’m sorry.
For whatever I’ve done,
to push you away.
I can't believe it turned out like this.
Is this the end?
Another night,
more tears,
more silence.
I only wanted a place,
to belong,
to feel seen.
But I guess that’s too much to ask.

I wake to walls I did not build,
A space too small, a name too still.
They call me by a voice not mine,
A shape I wear, but never will.

The world beyond hums soft and bright,
A distant place I’ve yet to claim.
I trace its edges in my mind—
A whispered truth without a name.

The mirror shifts, the cracks run deep,
Yet in them, something starts to grow.
Not wings, not fins, but something else—
A self I’ve always seemed to know.

So let the door be rusted shut,
Let silence press against my skin.
I’ll carve a window with my hands—
And let the light come pouring in.