I did it alone…
When I got my first heart break last November of 2014, I went through it alone….
At home.
I fell to my knees in the shower crying my eyes out going through a break up & at the same time I felt as if I was shot in the heart by a gun, my heart didnt shatter, it just bled out empty as if there was a bullet hole.
I tried to fix it with a bandage, hoping it can cover up that bullet hole.
It did but it just made my heart feel so heavy that I needed to get blood out.
But I decided to bleed a different way out…
Razors slided across my skin,
Not my wrist, but on my thighs.
I didnt want anyone worrying at home because I didnt want to keep them alert that I was depressed and was really hurting having them see my cuts and think I was suicidal.
Im not suicidal, I just wanted to different way to get rid of the pain without taking off the bandage off my heart that was keeping my heart alive.
I walked during the day feeling dead inside and feeling the burning on my thighs.
Walking around with a fake smile to show I was “fine”
I sure fooled everyone
Late nights are the worst though
when everyone is asleep & im in the dark getting my emotions built up and my heart feeling heavy again….
Tears down my cheeks, trying to catch my breath.
So many memories flashing through my head.
They won’t stop, they never will.
I lose a lot of sleep at night but get sleep during the day if I can.
Sometimes I just wanted to sleep FOREVER because I was going through it alone….
At Home…
Sure iv had friends text me & some took me out when I asked them to help me get out of the house, but I still went through it Alone….
At Home.
1 YEAR LATER
Im still going through it alone…
At home..
BUT doing better.
Im still depressed but less than before.
Razor blades are no longer slicing my skin,
my scars & cuts have faded.
Some still visible while others are gone.
I still cover myself because I don’t wanna get questioned about them.
I usually distract myself with music, drawing & texting my friends.
The sleeping routine has become a habit…

A MONTH LATER on the night of my 20th birthday I hung with my friends making me happy and forgetting about the past. When I went home my small family planned a birthday party with just us 5, before the party started they let me sleep a few hours. Those were my last ZZZs I caught during the day because the day after my birthday I woke up early on my own & was awake all day feeling good :) and since my 20th birthday… NO more overthinking or being unable to sleep and staying awake during the day feeling good :) I DID IT ALONE im not 100% out of my depression BUT im almost out :) I GOT THIS!  -J.Pantoja

by Arcassin Burnham


"Concept"

Yeah,
I heard the sirens last night,
Must be airing out,
Vivid thoughts of your emotional busted future,
I never do sir,
I go with the flow with everything I do,
Life in your hands,
Thought so,
I knew it wasn't you,
Put on my pants one leg at a time,
Then i sat,
Sneakers, hoodies and Adidas,
Trying on a bucket hat,
But yo it wasn't what I was feeling,
Somethings we can't help,
And ever black man does,
He gets killed,
Did the video go viral?
Did you see the officer that did it?
You should perish,
How the hell is this man still livin'.
If you don't get concept ,
By now you Should have it,
Its right in front of you,
All you need...........

••••

.........To do is  "Grasp it"


Do you feel it yet?!!
I know a lot of y'all been sending out many threats,
Bashing the internet about interracial couples on commercials,

Do you see how mad and ******* I got yet?
Why the world lost people without justice,
Why economy telling us to forget this,
Killed in cold blood in a mini mart,
How could we all ever forget this.