I'm afraid that if I die
People wont know things only I know
Like how N likes their carrots
Or how L loves her dad
Only I know this, like this
Of course others know some of this too, some of the time
But no one
Not one single person knows that you
You two
Are perfect
I mean this literally
I was gifted this knowledge when you were born
I know this viscerally, like this.
Or that you're beautiful in ways that make me hate words
In ways that render language hollow, meaningless, obscene
I am not being dramatic.
And also that you are good
By which I mean loveable
Like very and always
Fundamentally, inherently
This is not something you can ever change even though you'll probably try
And you might convince other people
Maybe even your dad, or your therapist, or your lover, or yourself
But you'll never convince me
I don't know why
I just know this
And I need you to know this too
This is not exactly a will. More like "I cant bear going without you knowing".
