"Yeah shes in the hospital"
"Dont say anything though..."

How could you say that to the only person who truly cares?
One who could always make me smile, or feel light as air,
she may not mean what you think, so pull up a chair.

Laughter and poor taste, leave all to gather, and much to waste
time, money, and all that matters,
but when you feel such joy with 'just' a friend,
"Dont say anything though...", really is just a punch to the liver.

Keep watch. Night saps you, catches you with a blackjack,
drains you like sand sifted through an hourglass
running low on patience, low on time, low on hope,
but it's 11:00 p.m. and you've been here three days
and so has everyone else so you keep quiet and

Keep watch. Under the fluorescent hospital lights,
your stage awaits so you put on a brave face,
paint that clown mask and start the production:
not tears, not fears, just enough to get them through
to the miracle waiting for them, but you've been around
and you know miracles ain't cheap, so keep the faith and

Keep watch. Through the racking coughs, through the
distant sobbing all receding into absence of thought
to match absence of action, as your turn comes up
to give this mockery of last rites, to sanctify the dead
and soon to be dead, to keep some kind of memory and

Keep watch.

November 19th 2009
Marks the day I saw your spine
Hit the floor for the very first time
I only need people when I think I do
I was a fool to think I needed you
It’s the opposite of The Decemberists
You needed me to make you better
I blame myself for trying-
And every time I walk in on you crying
I think it’s something I did wrong
The smell of your breath is still strong
In the dreams I fail to dream as I watch what I once thought was steam sneak through your bedroom door
I can still smell those chemical dreams as I do the leaves on that cold november day
I found you lying in the den
You were going to die I just didn’t know when
I can see the red and blue flashing
It’s making my innocence fade like flash photography in a museum
Why can’t my life be preserved  with a sign that says please don’t do this
Too many signs for too many crimes
I’d need one for each mistake you made
I’d add another check to the chalkboard and remember my neck double wrapped around the umbilical chord
I wonder if you loved me then but I remember that you didn’t
Cause every time I try to read a book I look at the letters and they turn into something they are not
Just like us when you’re drunk and I’m smoking ***
I remember you never loved me at my monthly sonogram
Holes in my kidneys not quite as big as the holes in your heart
I was ****** over from the start
4 pounds and 11 ounces I could never stand up to you
Pretending you did what you had to do
Take another sip I dare you
Maybe it’ll make you feel brand new
And the next morning we’ll pretend it never happened because that’s what we always do
I’ll ignore the broken glass that sat on my chest as I tried to sleep and stabbed my mind as I tried to dream
About what we would be if I hadn’t found you that day in 2009
Would I still be doused in ignorance
Would I still crave your attention
Would I still be able to dream
Would I be haunted by my own retention
Would I drink a little less
Would I drink a little more
Would I still play in the leaves or believe you could be cured
You need me to make you better and it has made me worse-
I don’t throw out the **** I find in your purse-
I shove it down and swallow but innocence tends to follow

If I were 4 pounds again I’d have a stronger mind
I wouldn’t put any effort into being kind
I was so small you should’ve thrown me in the trash
I wouldn’t have to grow up in your mistakes tray of ash
I close my eyes and I’m 9 years old seeing red and blue,
8 years later and disaster still reminds me of you

My body is numb
Crushed up glaciers bob up and down my blackened blood
Leaving a stillness within my veins
A coldness that never was --

But I feel that there is a melting point,
A fire inside me, an ember beneath my ribcage

An overflow of nothingness and all at once,

Everything

Terrified
Written in cursive
Behind your eyes

The messy braided hair
Is all that's left of you
Standing in a white dress

It was seventy degrees outside
You shut the window

"I'm sorry,"
Your handwriting just vexed me
Your pen had too much ink

Your toenails were broken

The white page turned to gaping black
As you crossed out the words
I closed the door and walked away

You said you felt some sort of chill, and I believed you
Must have been a gap between the stark walls and the blanched window frame
I found you a blanket