Anxiety is an angry beast
It has crooked teeth and yellow eyes
And if it wasn’t clamping it’s jaws on your neck
It might even be funny
It’s always there
A shadow in the daylight
And a ghost in the night
It peeks around doorways and hangs in pictures
It lives in your bed
Your house
And there is nowhere that is safe
Deep breathing is an aspirin for a stab wound
Fighting back is a bandaid for a bullet hole
So instead we sit
And we never stir
And we hope that maybe our brains will quiet
Or our breathing will stop
Because anything is better
Than that crooked beast that taunts me
Anxiety

I hate realizing I forgot to take my
meds. I don’t mind taking them. I need
them to pretend I can function. And
forgetting until the next morning can
be brutal, but I get right up and start
again. But when I realize they didn’t
slide down my throat and enter my
bloodstream in the middle of the day,
or halfway through the time of night
when magic unfolds and destruction
happens, I’m reminded of something.

I’m reminded that these small, white
discs with an indent down the middle
are the only thing keeping me from
climbing the tallest building and
taking a deep breath. I’m reminded
that I’m not in control. I’m reminded
that I wouldn’t want it if I had it.


-
by Aleksander Mielnikow

outside, it is cold and dark and cloudless.
but my soul is on fire, my thoughts are dim and my mind-

i go for a walk.

outside, i breathe. i gasp for air and look up, up, up (outside, it is cloudless)
the stars are shining so bright, so i dance and sing and laugh and-

i leave during the night.

outside, i am flying on the swings of an abandoned playground
and it is high high high low low low high higher higher higher (i dance and sing and laugh and)

i fall.

outside, there is a child laying on the gravel pit of an abandoned playground
arms and legs twisted, fingers broken, eyes staring at the stars shining so bright

and she laughs, and laughs, and laughs.

I forgot about how you unknowingly smirk
When I start calling back your name
I forgot that you will only mock
The way I scream out my lungs to the ocean
Expecting sunken ships to sail back to shore
I regret that I never swept the sands you left behind
I regret that I memorized the trail on this island.
And I do not understand how come I still get stuck in-between
Now I know, I’m only here to help you build your castle

But I will never be crowned the Queen.

A Fight For Sanctuary
- by Amanda L. Winand

She wears a sleek white gown, the color of purity. Standing on top of a grassy knoll there is nothing but picturesque beauty as far as the eye can see. But the girl doesn't seem to notice. Tears fall from her face in silent streams and she wraps her bare arms around herself as though she is trying to keep from falling apart. A sudden gust of wind causes her hair to whip about forcefully; she can hardly stand against the strength of it. Without warning she is swept from her feet, abruptly taken from the grassy knoll and all that she knew and loved. Despair.

She falls back into darkness, her hand stretched out to the small patch of light still visible from her grassy knoll that grows ever distant and out of reach. Another ambient light begins to grow brighter from beneath her. But this light is sinister; she feels the devastating heat on her back before ever seeing the flames. She is helpless as she falls toward the lake fire waiting to devour her. The flames reach out like hungry fingers seeking to taste her fragile skin. She falls straight into them. Anguish.

As suddenly as she fell into the fire she all at once comes crashing through it to the other side. Dark water lurked beneath the flames waiting to swallow her for itself. She falls through the surface with the weight of a thousand bricks, a weight that is both crushing and suffocating and more than she could possibly bear. She is drowning, sinking deeper and deeper into the depths of darkness. Hopeless.

She realizes she isn't falling so much as being pulled down violently, far beyond anyone's reach. Once she reaches a dark, empty abyss whatever invisible hands had clutched hold of her have let go. She is floating in this new, empty place. There is nothing. There is no one. Darkness and emptiness become all that she knows. It makes it's way inside her until she feels nothing else, until she forgets what it was like to have ever felt anything else. Defeated.

Just as she accepts her new reality a small distant light comes across her vision. She gets closer until she can see the small grassy knoll she once called home. To return to this place she knows she has to escape the darkness and the emptiness that grievously hold her back. She fights a long exhausting battle against them, earning herself more than a few scars that will never fully heal, but in the end she is victorious. Finally free she returns to her sanctuary to once again experience the joy of the grass beneath her bare feet and the gentle warmth of sunlight caressing her skin. Peace.

Some time passes. The feeling of joyfulness gradually begins to fade and is once again replaced by an inexplicable sadness. That sadness begins to grow into overwhelming sorrow. Tears pool in the hallows of her eyes and fall from her delicate face. She knows what is coming but she is helpless to stop it. The wind begins to grow with the swelling storm inside her. She tries once again to stand against it's force but she isn't strong enough alone. All at once she is pushed from her sanctuary, falling backwards once again into the darkness and all that awaits her there. Depression.