this isn't a poem. this isn't some well written piece of literature that will be quoted underneath photos of our depressed youth of America. this is me jotting down my thoughts at 9:26 p.m. i sit in the darkness of my newly decorated room (i needed a change of scenery, so a make over was in place) and i wonder why you don't like me. maybe i'm not specifically upset as to why you aren't interested, but more so why half the guys i pursue look the other way. I'm sitting here, dear reader, and i realize that it isn't the sad songs that make me cry, but instead the dead silence that crowds my empty room. I wonder why you didn't take me when you had the chance, didn't sweep me off my feet. I've annoyed my friends with the constant talking of you, it consumes me. i don't understand why my own two legs are strangers to the rest of my body and why they can't hold me up sometimes. i passed English 1101 with a 99, and yet i can't seem to find the right words to string together and form a sentence to utter out of my mouth. my mouth won't form the right shape to pronounce the few words i can muster. when someone asks me if i'm ok, i cry. I'm in mourning, i hate the snow that packs the sidewalks. you weren't mine and that's hard to process. it's like i have found my soulmate, but my soulmate doesn't return the same affection. sometimes i feel that i am seen as only meat for boys of all ages to circle around and toy with before they viciously devour. I am eye candy, i am known for nothing other than my appearance. when i write, i am my words. today i went to an abandoned house and i felt sadness surround me, along with the scent of musk and moth *****. i bought a goldfish and it died because i over fed it. i care too much about things and they die.

L I M B O
an L for the longing
I for the "I'm not sure if this is where I need to be"
M for the minutes of waiting
B for begging the stars above to let me have you
O ; the single letter that escaped my lips as you turned your back
and walked directly into the next willing participant's embrace

I look at you, I look at her
I run
I run until the air in my lungs evacuate when my bare feet kiss the gravel
I run until I am unable to see you in my head
I pause
I wait
and I continue running, for you are still there in my head
I run
my arms punch the breeze that fights back at me, I punch as if it were the environment around me that took you away from me
I run until night divides the day
and drapes me in velvet black
My hands on my head, I spin around, pulling out my hair like a mad man
out of breath, but knowing it's not from the running but instead from the absence of you in my heart
I crash to the ground
I keep my eyes shut as long as I can, but whenever i'm met with the darkness surrounding my thoughts
I see you, my soft light
I keep my eyes shut until your image forces me to open them
and look up at the empty night sky
and all I ponder on
is why the stars have abandoned us.

Unfamiliar to the feeling
not entirely sure what's wrong,
but knowing that there's something missing
from my once wholesome life
and it's like i'm finally discovering myself
a period of rebirth
but now the clock has warned me that it is 12 in the morning
I am reminded of how you are out there
and how I don't know you
but how I desperately want to
and why I am a writer and all I do is constantly write or think about what I want to write about next but all of a sudden it's midnight and I can't find a way to string the extensive words of our English vocabulary together to somehow
SOMEHOW
expound upon why the simple touch of a stranger has left me feeling so empty, but how at the moment when I reached my fingertips just far enough that they could brush against your side,
I felt wholesome again
I don't know what makes humans yearn for another human to complete them and how we feel lonesome when in the company of the bitter silence that meets us at the end of a partnership
Or why I have a million and one things I could write about
instead of focusing again
on the loss of someone I never got the chance to know
and yet I choose to torture myself with seeing you in dreams
smiling at a girl
that is not me

The sky floods with purple blue and pink
Thoughts of you make my heart sink.
I knew my world would hurt and sometimes be blue
Cause i had became insanely...stupid, and crazy about you.
Every day and every second of mine
I burn on you, every single time.
You're the brightest star in my night sky
You shined so strong, I thought the light would never die.
Then your aurora started to dim slightly
Suddenly my star didn't shine so brightly.
I reached up to make sure the bulb was ******* in tightly.
Star dust crumbled in my hands...
Shards shooting into my face...
I tried to catch on to darkness as I fell from grace.
Gradually falling slow
I've got nowhere to go...
I can't grasp the void, I'm stuck in limbo.
Now My sky is dark
And there's no floor beneath
I'm gasping for air but there's pain in my chest and I can't breathe.
I can fix this...I just have to believe.
Pulling the shards from my face
Piece by piece I put them in their place.
Hoping and praying you'd ignite the same
Although cracks and empty spaces still remain.
I can see inside that your core was gleaming
Blinking my eyes quickly to make sure I wasn't dreaming.
I cant look away cause I'm fixed on your blaze
Destiny has engraved me in your cosmic waves
Creeping in, that stratus night cloud
Hiding you from my vision
There's darkness all around.
I thought it was the end
My love is gone, it's over.
Yet I still wait for my super nova

monsters don't live inside my head
or in my heart, or under my bed
they walk amongst me-- in day,
and at night
they whisper honeycomb sweetness
in my abundant ears whilst
blinding me with pale sunlight.
monsters don't live inside my head
they mask themselves in a façade of
overgrown riverbeds--
deep-rooting themselves within my
oesophagus and i am choking, choking
oh but i cannot get enough of this.
monsters live
in bone marrow
in hair follicles
in overgrown fingernails
burrowed like a perpetual parasite
until they become a part of my DNA;
a mutation, the cancer that causes
paranoia and maybe a little psychosis, psychosis.
i am not crazy
i am not crazy
there are just monsters
there are just monsters.
they grip my hand as i walk down the street
intertwine their fingers into the cracks in
my bones and i do not fight back--
i am tirelessly tired of tiresome tug-of-war.

Immovable, my hatred towards you for leaving.

My feelings are a thing of the past, so are you.
In case you're wondering, I never fixed the clock after the outage.
Sitting here staring at the blinking 10:32 at 5:03 AM, I hate you.
Something in common we have: we need fixing.

Yet we keep blinking and staring, waiting to stop hating you.
Out there, do you think of me as her head lays on your chest?
U*nchanging, my mood is as I look at old photos but...
                                    
                     ­             *So what?