if i were to find my place in this world -
i’d rather it be on a mountain top,
or the bottom of the sea;
somewhere - where my silence is not a bother to me,
where the voices cannot travel to tell me i don’t belong -
or that i need a voice.
i’m not sure what i’ll do there, though.
but i think i know -
i’d bring a typewriter with me,
with no paper.
and i would punch away at its keys with my fingers -  
my poems, all my poems…
again,
and again,
and again…
for years, for ages
until the rhythms girdle into a symphony;
something only i could sing,
something only my heart would know,
something familiar.

and then i would cast it out into the darkness -  
where it belongs.

I open this door in front of me
it opens to the room I had when I was four maybe three
the walls are painted lilac and I count the beds in the room
one,
two,
three
for me and my two older sisters their names are Rachel and Brittany

I hear a giggle and look down
it's me as a little girl and oh my god that's right, my hair was a lighter shade of brown
she has on her princess sleeping gown and tells me "Here, follow me, I'll show you around, it's nighttime now or I'd ask mommy if we could go to the playground"

we're playing with her toys and she tells me "you look sorta familiar" I smile and ask her "do you think we look kinda similar?" I see her eyes moving and her brain searching her mind's perimeter she says "a little, can you tell me your name? I'm a good listener"
"I'm you from a time yet to come" I say sweetly just above a whisper, she climbs into my arms and on her forehead I kiss her

I tell her all the wonders she will see, who not to trust and all the amazing people she will meet, I tell her that some things never change; like how we still love to walk in our bare feet and how people still tell us "no one I've ever met before has been this sweet" I tell her there will be things you feel are left unsaid and incomplete and there will be times where you're biggest strength is to know when to retreat, and oh... you're going to fall deeply in love with a man, he's a musician and both his heart and drum play to their own beat, she sings with excitement "I cant wait to be older!! I've always wondered what kind of girl I'll be!!!" I look at her lovingly "you will grow into your power and strength- you are the rarest pearl from the sea- your life will be an amazing one, I love you and it's time for me to leave, but know I'm so proud of all the things you will achieve, your life will flourish sweet girl, you're in for such a treat"

It's 3:43am and I'm wondering if the spider in the corner of my bathroom is dreaming
I wonder if she knows about the sun and if she ever dreams of weaving a web in the moonlight
I wonder if she knows what I'm saying when I tell her "don't worry, i'll keep you safe" and I wonder if she believes me

Sometimes I lack feeling
I see a memory in my head and say "sadness and I were never friends"
but the truth is
Sadness and I were lovers
Tangled in sheets together
Sadness and I had pillow talk and night time kisses
Sadness knew every inch of my body
Sadness knew how to stick around
Sadness had a way of saying my name so sweet
but Sadness doesn't really touch me now... or not how it used to... Sadness seems far away like an estranged lover leaving at the end of august
Sadness feels like it's behind a piece of glass either as painting held behind a museum display case
or
as the figure I see through the local coffee shop window
Sadness doesn't sink into bed with me anymore already undressed Sadness doesn't look deeply into my eyes and say "I'm yours forever anymore"
Sadness doesn't touch my skin and melt into me anymore
Sadness doesn't send me perfumed love letters with personalized stationary anymore
Sadness and I don't speak much anymore
So yes sadness and I were lovers
but were sadness and I ever really friends?

I am losing myself
Withering away
Each day
Everyday.

I am stuck
I can’t move
I hurt others
While I hurt me too.

I stand, unmoving---
In this wretched place
In the midst of darkness
In this open space.

I don’t know how to let it out
Everything within me
All the grief, all the woe
Every heartache, it doesn’t go
Away from me.

Nobody can save me now
It’s all too late
I keep on writing about it
A little wish
Help me escape.

I’ve have reached the end of the page
Now
I don’t know what’s next
Misery has wrapped its arms around me
Misery has even scared death.

Years and time again we say, what is love, how we know it’s love
It goes like this in every conversation
Love is, love is this, no love is that
debate go on and on
year and time again we say, this generation don’t know what Love is
It goes like this in every conversation
Love is, love is this, no love is that
but I say love is you
What you like
The good thing you never had before
love what you want it to be
Love is flesh of other and soul that makes them.

It’s November
And everything I feel within
Is what I see around,
The coalescing fog,
The turbidity of clouds,
Coldness enveloping itself again,
Before the trees; wilting leaves bow,
As I stand there, I feel understood,
It’s November,
Hence I am not alone
in the woods