Elegantly without mistep put up the dish
Tremorlessly clean the mess of a mind
Upon the sacred fall outs make a wish
Ask the universe for freedom to be mine

Find yourself before you heed all that's broken
Be careful to not step on the glass shards
Try and try to be there try and listen
So that maybe you can mend broke hearts

Be there when his whole world comes down
Greet him without a sympathetic sigh
Trust your arm to hold him close
Because Into your shoulder he'll cry

Fight the unseen battle walls
Crack your imposing glass ceiling
Because no matter how many times you fall
You'll never get a risen feeling

Tell him you'll be ok for him
So long as he himself is ok
And sometimes you'll have to lie to him
Because he desperately needs you to stay

Fight through the worst of mental storms
Ignore everything that causes you pain
And when the worst of news has formed
You tell them that you're ok

who would've thought that I'd make it to 22
that my fire never extinguished after all those years of rain
my seven-year-old self would be glad to see she was preserved

who would've thought that the one I dreamed about for six years
now sleeps in my bed at night, and calls me his wife
my 11-year-old-self would never believe it

who would've thought that, somewhere along the line,
I made friends who care for me and I them
my 13-year-old self would be relieved

who would've thought that my heart became soft again
and I learned to let myself cry, and feel
my 15-year-old self might just smile

who would've thought that I made it out of my hometown,
traveled the world on my own, and decided to come back
my 18-year-old self would be astounded

who would've thought that I became a teacher
and I don't fear my calling anymore
my 19-year-old self would laugh in disbelief

who would've thought that, despite all the years of isolation,
dissociation, fear, and heartache, I emerged still me

who would've thought?

not me

That girl
yes her.
She changed.
that same girl who used to
watch the clock, waiting for the bell to ring.
That girl wondering when it was her turn to sing.
Did she even deserve to?
Was she even worth anything?

That same girl bled thru her problems and
listened to tunes that broke her heart.
You ask her what’s wrong,
and she didn’t know where to start.
The girl whose heart raced at every interaction.
That same girl became distant and avoidant.
Despair ran through her veins
rigged carpal bones made up her identity.

All hope was gone until it wasn’t.
Until a hand lifted her wet face
dried her tears
and told it was all gonna be okay.
He spoke in such a soft manner
He became the bright light in her world of darkness
He lifted her up and showed her his plans
He told her “I have plans to prosper you”

Slowly but surely she smiled
He had her head lifted high always
He set her heart ablaze
Her life was in his hands
hands that never failed.

-Jujuu

I don't know where she went
But she took the silliest things with her
The glimmer in my eyes,
The giggles from excitement,
The rose tint from my cheeks,

I don't know where she went
But she took the wildest things with her
The amber glow I viewed you in,
The flutter in my heart when you said my name,
The peace I felt in your presence,

I don't know where she went
But the things that she left?
The lack of trust for people,
The fear of getting close?
I'll hold them tight until she returns

it’s starting to feel like I enjoy doing things that remind me of you
like being emotionally unavailable
or becoming untranslatable when I tell him something vague about where I’ve been
i’m sure you spoke those words to me
it feels strange now, embodying the lies you fed me
but I’m just as hungry and
All the fresh fruit become rotten eventually

i think I like having casual *** as a way to say *******
******* for making me unable to love
unable to enjoy anyone else
ruining me for everybody
for making me feel like I was hard to love and easy to lose
i still stare at scars and tears flicker through the overlapping years
At what point did my bare skin became stained?
At what point did you carve your name?

you were my storm drained rock
i couldn’t keep it together in the rain
maybe rivers flow through and through
and she led you back to the pacific
It was a specific night;
I came back to the edge of that lake before
The only thing that had changed was I enjoyed it more when I was with you

raindrops trickled on that lake; the reflections blurred
there where blue skies and white clouds before
now it’s you and her
and I just can’t unsee it

the bath soap scent from my childhood.
the one my mother
would bring home every sunday;
for me to wash but never feel clean.
it stings,
but no longer seeps into cuts like antiseptic.
it smells like sorrow,
loneliness, and pain
yet the scent on my skin doesn’t make me sad.
i think of the girl and what the girl would think of me.
how far we’ve come;
and how we share the same scent on older skin.

A faint feeling of deja vu
A feeling, that I've been here before
But did something different
Something better than what I managed

I reel in the waves of my own mind
Crashing in on themselves
A never-ending circular sea
Hurdling through the depths of space

After minutes spanning hours
I come back to myself
Or at least the one present here
Observing with a skewed awareness

A last rolling wave washed over me
Something calming and refreshing
With just the right amount of power
To firmly hold me yet not threaten me

And it was just that, I thought
I was only observing life
Present, yet a mere passerby
Even in my own actions

I was watching someone else's life unfold
From the first-person view
And lately I didn't like
The direction they were taking

For a moment I felt the warmth of the sun
If only briefly in my mind
As if for the very first time I noticed
The boundless vitality it possessed  

And indeed, I did possess it too

They fell; faster than spring leaves, off the family tree.
Dear uncle. Dear mom. Why me? Why you?
We smiled --moments ago-- legitimate and calm and free
Glittering health during the plague, how not true.

Smiles of hopelessness, tears of hope,
lying living, half in life, tombstone carved in your eyes
You brought hope, you liar, how then do we cope?
In truth, did you know? Or faked your shine for true smiles.

Yes you're gone, now we need healing
Our hearts stabbed by your last smile and hasty departure.
It all changed but it somehow remained the same
Into the dust lies thine stature, lies thine of stature.

I'll hang on to the echoes of your voice,
Your face from the mind's flashing window's glimpse,
Your touch from showering echoes of noise
From then when I became undone, like opened gifts.