and instead of loving you
   I started hating you
for everything you have done
and the way you've changed

You say something
Than I use it
My denfence mechanism
I say somethin really ****** or mean
But in just the right tune
For you to assume I'm not an *******
But using sarcasm rather than being a ****
Be secretly I am
I'm rude and mean and hateful
But not always and not to all
Just those who don't fully understand my brand of Sarcasm

he said it was too much,
to keep caring for a worthless girl,
he said it was too hard,
to keep loving her depressed soul,
he said it was too painful,
to keep watching her crumble,
he said it was too irritating,
to keep fighting for her,
and so,
he left with a few
hateful words directed
to her.

**but he never asked
how it was for her,
to deal with a scarred body,
a ****** up mind, and
an empty soul.

sweetness evades me, hiding in my stomach. being broke is not the worst, i guess.. until hunger shakes my bird bones - skinny not an issue, but weightlessly i drift to the keyboard back and again and with lazy eyes tracing the pattern provided over and over a few times more before
heart drench me
beating around in the brushfire
i stand on delicacy, shiver and stammer, foreshadow until you can't reply without stepping on my long skirts trailing
and i just woke up, i have no idea what i'm referring to anymore

Helpless,
As I can not help but look to the stars each night and pick out the most beautiful one, naming it after you.
Hopeless,
As I am no longer able to hope that I will one day wake up in the young hours of the day soley to trace every inch of your perfect body and my whole world be, in a literal sense, at my fingertips.  
Hateful,
As I am angry at the world for allowing me to fall so very deeply in love with someone I will never touch, let alone hold.

I hate that you hate me.
I hate that I cant be what you want.
I hate that you don't realize the pain you cause me.
I hate that you pretend that we are a perfect family.
I hate that you laugh everything off and never listen to me.
I hate the way you make me feel.

Why is it we cant choose our family?
Why do we have to learn to love them?
Why cant we choose them like we do our friends?

I cant love someone who doesn't love me.

I ****. You said it yourself.

I hate that you pretend that you didn't say it.
I hate that you dont feel guilty for being a bad parent.

What about me?
What about my happiness?
What about my life?

I hate that you don't listen to me, or accept who I am.
Because it makes it even harder for me to do that when my own mother cant.

So stop thinking about yourself.
And realize that your daughter needs help.

Im suicidal and you cant even tell.
What does that say about how much you care?
Or how much you even love me?


**Do you even love me?