TW : references to triggering topics below

My art is not considered normal
It’s made of fine lines
The lines form rows
They tell a story
Of whom I once was
During the tears
Those tears not only lasted for year but also still last
My fine lined art has recently come to a end
Or more of a rest
Because it may start again
My fine lined art is not art
But a way to cope
A way to breathe
Yet my skin bleeds whenever I draw those lines
The fine lines are considered ugly
To the eyes of society
they will leave scars forever
But my scars are not ugly they tell a story
Of my fine lined art.

I remember,
Going back to class,
After taking the knife to my skin.
By knife, I mean the stolen box cutter,
From engineering class.
Meant to be used for cardboard.

I remember,
Sitting through class.
Letting that ridiculous long skirt,
Absorb my ****** pain.
Fearing, it would seep through.
And someone would see.
Although it never did.
And no one saw.

I remember,
Hiding in the bathroom.
For three periods in a row.
Clawing at my thighs,
Because the only tool I had,
Was a pen.
So, I wrote cruel things.
Promises, words to end things.
And when I emerged, glazed.
No. One. Noticed.

I remember,
How much I wanted them to see me.
To look me in the eye,
And see my suffering.
But, no one did.
No. One.

I'm sick and ******* tired
of scraping my pride
down to the bone,
asking for helping,
and hearing nothing.
my life has fallen apart
in three months
after years of beating back
against my tears and indecision.
those that want to, can't.
those that can don't want to.
the fire in my throat isn't half
as searing as the hatred i feel
for the South African tech genius,
searching for waste,
and the ones that failed us.
i carry this molten stress in me,
and i want the worst to happen
to those living their lives everyday
without worry about rent
or food or their car's
impending repossession.


this isn't even a poem anymore,
it's a cry for help.

I want this to end
please everything just stop!
I'm begging you oh! God
i can't deal with this

I want to cut myself so deep that all i  become is bone
I want to smash my head against the wall
make paintings with my blood
PLEASE STOP!

You tell me that you're concerned
but then why do you ignore me
like a pig on a street
is that what you think of me?

I'm done trying
My legs broken from carrying this pain
my windpipe punctured by the comments you make
My skin crimson form the cuts i create

I get hooked with a therapist
but instead of help ,all they blab is *******
that makes me question to my broken core
Am I going mad?

Can you ******* shut up
all i want is to be alone
all i want to be is held
by someone who loves me unconditionally

you say your love is pure
but is it? you manipulate me
I love you, but do you love me?
You made me question everything

Your ******* homophobic mindset,
its so revolting , I feel ashamed to be your son
You say no matter what happpens you are my son
but the very next second you spill your guts

I'm sorry i disappoint you constantly
I'm sorry, I bleed
I'm sorry, I'm weak
I'm sorry, would you ever forgive me?

Life feels too heavy.
Too many worries.
Too many pressures.
Too many responsibilities.
Too many hardships.
Pain.
Despair.
Hope turns to despair.
Happiness turns to numbness.
Calmness turns to pain.

Too fast.
So bleed.
Bleed.
Bleed.
Till everything is silent.
But it’s not silent.
It’s not working.
Making me panic.
Why isn’t it working?

Lines marked so neatly
Parallel to each other
On my leg horizontally
Each of them redder

Like pencils lined up
Neatly in a row.
Without any breakup
All perfectly so

Some are faded
Some fresher
Some lighter
And some harsher

Drawn carefully
To bleed and stain
Makes me have safety
To feel the pain

In the still of night, a plan took flight,
Like doves in the sky, so pure and bright.
But shadows whispered of danger near,
God saw the path and drew you near.

With gentle wings, He changed the way,
Protecting your heart, come what may.
So let the doves fly, unburdened and true,
For what was meant to harm you, God turned into good.

Your voice, so smooth it tickled my ears
Come into me like you once did, and I would swallow you whole.
Come into myself like I never did and I could stay afloat.
My heart endured just to be sure
That I made the right choice, the wrong one, or no one
No one compares to your charms
You who let me lose myself in your arms
You who took me away from my day to day but distrust still creeped.
No one compares to the havoc you wreaked.

One year I chased you. The next, you chased me.
The last, we ran in circles until I was alone, lamenting your company.
Then you reappeared, different as I was, I wanted you all the same.
Then I left but we stayed enmeshed, sharing love between the pain.
Things began to turn when you grew tired of the distance,
Maybe, just maybe, maybe there’s more we insisted
Until you said you don’t love me like before,
nothing left but memories so sore.

What feels strong and voiceful flows out like garbled whispers,
Like when I asked you to choke me, and I faded with radio static tongue twisters.
Then awoke to your warm hand tapping my face,
eyes staring into me, mouth agape.
If we could meander so many years through storms and drought,
then I can swim through my own stream of doubt
that I will ever find another.