it’s 3am right now
and I’m wide awake,
sitting on the edge
of my bed with
tears in my eyes.
I am in exactly the
same position I was
frozen in last year
and two years ago
and the year before that
and when I was young,
something like thirteen,
and basically every year
that I was old enough
to have some memory of.
I’m still that same
sad girl who writes
depressing poetry and
makes reckless decisions.
she sees a future sometimes,
but sometimes all she sees
and hears is television static.
sometimes she wants to
fill in the blanks and
paint a colorful future
and other times she’s
not so sure she wants
to see any future at all,
existing or not.
I’m still that girl.
I have a bed that
the love of my life
is asleep in right now.
my room is painted
a dull blue-grayish
color that I once
would have hated.
I no longer have
fan memorabilia from
concerts and emo bands.
instead of posters,
my walls hold
pretty picture frames.
there’s one of me
and my love at the top
of a mountain we hiked,
although truthfully it
was more of a hill.
we laughed at how
overrated that hike was.
in this picture,
we’re still laughing.
my room is in a
beautiful house in a
suburban neighborhood.
unlike so many people
who I once knew, I
made it out of the city.
I have a diploma and
the start of a college degree.
I received an education
instead of dropping out.
the school district here
is rated highly.
this is a safe place
for my future children
to grow up in.
there is green grass
in a spacious yard,
and a patio outside
where one day
I might sit and watch
my children play.
I have an amazing life
that I never thought
I could possibly have.
I am genuinely happy.
but for some reason,
I’m sitting here crying
in the middle of the night.
3am is still a time when I
am almost always
wide awake.
I am still a sad girl
who sometimes sees
a wonderful future
and sometimes sees
no future at all.
my surroundings have
drastically changed
and right now,
my life is truly good.
I have already begun
to build a new
life for myself.
I am somewhere
safe and happy.
but I know now that
all of that means nothing.
I have begun to build
a life that I once only
dreamed about living,
but when I moved,
I had to bring myself
with me.
nothing can change
until I do.
