Are we looking for endings?
Or just a means to an end?
We're so used to the idea of stories not ending unless they end happily
that we must push,
bolt the door,
and plaster smiles on our faces till we convince ourselves we're finally okay.

What about unanswered questions we both have?
I turn to the pages of my diary to ask why you left.
To ask why you didn't try to stop me from leaving.
To ask if you ever cared or if you feel the same sense of relief that I feel now that you're gone.

What would be the last frame of this movie anyway?
Are we smiling as we walk our own ways?
Is one of us left crying at the table we shared drinks and curses at?
Are we going to be dragged kicking, screaming to our ends by our own egos?

Or will this end softly in silence?
Will a last kiss be appropriate?
Will a last time running my hands over a real, unpixelated body be enough?

There are more open doors now than ever before.

But, yours is the only one I want to close.

have you heard this song?
click play. it dances in me
over and over it's you

Better to have a stark reality than a fragmented facade. Rather you leave arms open than mouth closed. Say Gods name when you leave,  not refuge but defamation. Put your loyalty into your spite for me. At least you can stay consistent with it there.

Thinking about pinky swears under old trees
Inscripted with the carving of memories
Do you ever think of me?
A seal of forever brought together by blood from a ***** of a finger
Sisters
Disregarding names or blood and made eachother our own
Because family wasn't always there
Life never left us alone for long,
It dropped you into my lap
And I had always been proud of that
Because in a world full of nothing,
At least I had that

It isnt fair
That life is a game of volley ball and it picked you for the other team
After all the apple juice boxes and scraped knees
I never thought you'd be playing against me
Dropping the ball so carelessly
A score for you, as it always is
It has always been
Maybe I was more of a decoration then a friend- a trophey of loyality
A prized possession for the admiration of a life long friendship
Im another swish in the basket
Our friendship only exsists in a casket
Because it is dead and I cant get past it

It was life long, that was what was said
Under a swing set
Pinky swears and truth or dares
Turned to silence and hurtful glares
Its hard to break the ice when you are so cold
I dont want to hear about the hearts you break,
Hearts of gold
For goodness sake-
But none could hurt more than mine
It hurts every ******* time I look at you
And dont like what I see,
The pain your bringing to yourself and me
Hasnt been so welcoming

But I remember how the class bell would ring-
How we'd run down the steps, how we'd laugh and sing
So tell me, do you ever think of me?
I am alone with an empty swing
A lifetime of friendship didnt mean a thing
When the grasp of a a males hand will always be stronger than me
When we said boys would never be a thing that would come between
I miss when we thought they had cooties
***** me, and sue me
For thinking I had the upper hand
I'll never understand

Being the exception of the rule
You made everyone the fool-
Thinking I was special when the only one who was special was always you
I look into your eyes and I am confused
Because it isnt you
At least thats what I want to think
And what you want me to believe
Out of all the things you held to be so important
It was never me

Only when life was young and free,
Without the threshold of responsiblity
But don't come and say you need things from me,
I won't be made to be
A fool you want me to be

Thinking about pinky swears under old trees
Trees that are wilting, and our intitals will be the only thing
That is ever lasting
And all I can hear is you laughing
Overlapping the time that has been passing
And its time for me to move faster
Away from you,
Because you're a distaster
Because a romance, or a fling,
Will only be the thing that is happily ever after
And of course I will never be that
So I will tip my hat to you
I will no longer be used by you
Or used because I've been dared
To embrace the truth

So **** these trees as I burn them to their roots-
Like my roots came from you
Pinky swears were broken
And I DARE you to tell me the TRUTH
If you were lying when you said you would be there,
Or that you didnt really know or care
If you really dropped the ball,
Or maybe it was me that didn't play fair
So why would you pick me
When your classmates wanted better for the team
And I just didnt make the cut

Linked by the arm,
The Bonnie to my Clyde
Our names always stitched together
Always by my side
Your name was always on my tongue and your home became mine,
Our families knew us by name
And nothing could seperate us
Except time..

The tallys on your wall
In your old house have gotten taller
And thats fine, except its not
It went from smoking ***
And climbing trees
To scraping you off the sidewalk
Trying to get answers
When you're too gone to talk
And I am left without clarity,
Or closure,
And missing you a lot

A ***** pickled brain
Maintains the decisons that you make
The toxicity of your life leaks into mine
Because no matter the distace,
Our lives are intertwined
Blood from the ***** of a finger
Sisters
Where the bond was stronger then blood
When do I cut these ties?
When will enough be enough?
Or will you have me back in a strum?
In a musical hum?

Reaping for attention,
But you haven't been asking for mine
A sunk battle ship.
A game of hide and seek,
Except this time you didn't find me.
A game of hooky,
But I was the one being ditched
A game of truth or dare,
But you ran when the truth hit
You won this game of Clue,
But you have no way to prove it
You've hit me with your bumper car,
And I think its time to move it
We're no longer kids-
And its lazer tag,
Except you're using bullets
I have to except you're out of control
And can not control it

Thinking about pinky swears under old trees,
Old inside jokes, and silly things
Our giggling filling up the room when we were supposed to be asleep
Swingsets and secret places
Happy songs and silly faces
Wishing we could meet back here
In these sacred places
But I don't expect you to pick up the phone

A swingset,
And I'm swinging alone
Initials carved in old trees,
Thank god thats everlasting
In a world that's everchanging
But thats all that will be-
For the path your walking is too scary for me, so I will stay behind

Alone

On a swing

HE GIVES THE BEST HUGS
"you like long hugs don't you"
he knows i do
so he envelopes me in his warmth
and squeezes me till i feel giddy like a little girl
and sometimes
he even rests his chin on my head
and i wonder if he is memorizing what my shampoo smells like
and it's for this exact moment that i push through my workload each day and
it's for this exact moment that i walk through the rain each night
his evening smile is tattoed in my mind so i can dream peacefully
and he never fails to follow up with a simple love you snap
HE GIVES THE BEST GOODNIGHTS

Hold me so close
That we feel the static
Between us.
Love me so hard
That the weight could **** me.

Our chemistry is like a beautiful glass of richly red wine.
Taken in by slow sips in order to be thoroughly enjoyed.
Chock full of dopamine, seratonin, and endorphins.
And you want more, you want so much more because
the liquid slips down your throat in a way you've never experienced before. But it is an enlightening experience
Enlightening to the point of toxic. Toxic because it is alcohol and too much of one thing is a bad thing.
But it is deliciously addictive and you start to feel your body slip into an unconscious state.
You remain in this euphoric state with your heart racing and your soul ready to jump out of you, but your mind sticks like glue.

Cling tight, fear of falling, fear of flying, fear of being, and fear of leaving. I cant stay without wanting to leave and I cant leave without wanting to stay. You hold me and I push. You push and I cling. Always wanting what I cant have. Life calling for me and me clawing at it in response.

How can I breath
With you taking all my oxygen away
How can I see
With you blocking the way
my dreams seemed so clear to me
The future so clear
But now that I’ve met you
You are the dream
You may not be a person
Just someone I wish I could have
The idea of having someone life you
Would be enough
Sometimes I close my eyes
All i see is the times we spent apart
I worry about the distance
Splitting our friendship to pieces
In a month or two you will forget my name
And I’ll just be another girl
you talked to and about
It’s like what happened to the rest
But you are different
But I don’t know why
I can’t point my figure on it
You are just hard to describe
So will you remember me
If we meet up again
Will you say hi when we cross paths
You on your own life
And I’m on my own
But if we don’t
Its been a good time
You are something to me
And I can’t promise you that u will always be
But for now the moment
It’s just you and I
Until we say goodbye

Do you care?
About any of the thoughts and feelings I have.
Do you care?
When my depression makes me isolate myself
Do you care?
About me at all.
Do you care?
About my suicidal thoughts.
Do you care?
When I cry.
Do you care?
If I'm happy or even doing ok.

Do you care?
That i try to support and love you, when I shouldn't.
Do you care?
Of anything I've tried doing for you.
Do you care?
That i still try to be your friend when you've left me at my darkest hours.

Do you even care.
I can't keep staying and trying much longer.
Just let me go so I can heal.  
You aren't a friend to me anymore.
Your just a stranger to me now.