I wish to wipe my hands clean of what I knew
I've learnt what capabilities I have, and I've been traumatized
I don't care if the cycle is starting to repeat once more
I want to do things differently and finally save my own soul
Because the biggest capability I've found within myself
Is the power to wash away what I once known

Hold
On
Pain
Ends

Once upon a time ago,
A phoenix dared kiss a dove;
Together, wings beat with love,
With ador true, passion slow.

Phoenix of autumnal light,
Hearts collide and lit aglow.
Together, they could both grow,
Through open skies they took flight.

Once they moved in tandem, now
Still as a set sun they lay.
Easy love they did portray;
Though turtle promised no vows.

Here the anthem doth commence:
Love and constancy is dead;
Died it did when Phoenix fled,
Dove still feels a loss, immense.

Phoenix from ash is reborn;
And perfect as they hath seemed
(Like nothing could come between)
The dove from ash remains torn.

Feathers of flame and fury,
Fervor, passion, sparks ignite,
And ashes spread like a blight,
Below, dove burned to bury.

Reciprocity a dream,
With singed wings, dove died on dirt,
What remained; a numbing hurt,
Death of love is now the theme.

For True Love does not exist,
Phoenix burned the whole night through,
From turtledove they withdrew,
Love is only reminisced.

So heed this tale as warning:
Wise the owl who stands alone,
Or eagles heart, cut from stone,
Now the crows stay in mourning.

you aren't gone, I tell myself
just a game put on pause
a phone call on hold
I see the back of your head
a side profile in a crowded train
the faint smell of you
sweat, skin, smoke, soap
I'll join you in the eventual
when my particles disperse to night
into pavement and dirt and sky
connected to the stars
that have always smiled at you
where I long to be

My girl.

You are in the midst
of goddesses
upon a pedestal.

Chiseled stone holds
you firm atop
it's foundation.

Yet, we mere mortals
must hold committed
to the hands of time.

We damaged each other.

My guilt, your guilt
keep me slavishly
tied to my goddess.

You are on a pedestal.

Tell me, gracious
of what do you know
the girl who i was
long long ago
whose long, brown hair
danced to and fro
in weather when birds wouldn't sing

Have you heard of her
kind green eyes
an innocent heart
incapable of lies
how everyday she tries and tries
to play with those kids in the street

Did they tell you
how i used to play
before some creepy man
took my innocence away
before i cried on the floor
and prayed and prayed
that someone would come and save me

Do you recall
before i couldn't eat
before one, small apple
was a "special treat"
as the doctor told me to take a seat
and asked when my starving would end

Remember before
my heart was broken
by senior boys
with lovely words spoken
and crushed into pieces
they kept as a token
of how i was defeated

But that girl has not grown
as i have now
cannot say confidently
that she earned her crown
although all the suffering
did wear her down
i built myself back up

How easy it is to forget that we are needed
And how sad we cannot see those that gather
When it is time to say goodbye

Dear self,

Be brave enough to break your own heart.

You spent thirty minutes talking to your mother last night. She wasn't great to you growing up, and I know that. I think back about how she teased you for wearing long sleeve shirts over summer when you cut yourself. I think about the time she told you to **** yourself. I think about how she tried to cut out people from your life and still, to this day, doesn't know about some of your closest friends because you needed to protect them from her.

Do you realize how loud your unhappiness needs to scream for her to hear it? This may be the first time, in thirty years, that she listened to it. She took it seriously. She told you to go. That it would be okay. And she validated the thing you have known in the pit of your stomach and the bottom of your heart for years.

Go.

You aren't a bad person for leaving a situation that doesn't work for you. Leaving someone you love doesn't mean you never deserve love again. You aren't disgusting. You aren't a monster. You aren't being stupid. You aren't making a mistake. You have always told others that they don't need a reason to leave. You have always shown everyone else a kindness you could never show yourself.

Leave.

Just because you have everything others want doesn't mean it's what you want, or what you need. Right now, at this moment, this isn't good for you, and that's okay. You love him. He loves you. It was beautiful, and it was good. And ending this will destroy both of you in ways you won't even imagine right now. And no one will fix these holes inside of you. It takes courage to realize you need to rebuild yourself. It takes courage to become.

It takes courage to break your own heart. But just like the physical scars you've given yourself, the emotional ones will heal, too. And you will be okay. This is your permission to do what is right for you.

Love,

Yourself