Color is eluding
Never been a fan of things bright
Gray tones are consistent
Giving way to comforting night

A voice that's muted
By all things loud
Will never be heard
While controlled by the crowd

Opaque is appealing
A means of not standing out
Creating an impenetrable fortress
Of walls to hideout

Time can cause a slight iridescence
A glimpse of what was once there
Though blending in, is the name of the
game
Opportunities for the illumination of color
are very brief and rare

For far too long
I've been comfortably numb
Walking to the cadence
Of someone else's drum

Expectations are piling up
And running me ragged
The edges are harsh, always broken,
And jagged

Creating many different wounds
That have no time to heal
I built walls around them all
And forgot how to feel

I lost my identity
Trying to become who everyone needed
All the while, killing my inner self
That faintly begged and pleaded

How do I reacquaint myself
With a person I never knew
Being OK with who and what lies ahead
And opening the door to something new

I regret remaining so small
I regret being removed from it all

I regret the crippling fear
I regret wishing to disappear

I regret my deafening silence
I regret not showing more defiance

I regret giving you so much power
I regret the way I would cower

I regret believing your lies
I regret those blurred family ties

I regret the bridges you burned
I regret leaving the ashes unturned

In a way, my regrets always kept you near
Instead of severing the relationship when it became clear
That you no longer cared
Then again, you never really did
It was merely the wishful thinking
Of your broken hearted kid

I am dangerous...

It's haunting
This hold I have over you
You become so weary and weak
My grip tightens
And everything slowly fades away
Until you can hardly breathe

You mustn't ever speak of me
So they will never know
Exactly what I'll do to you
And the shame that starts to grow

My deceitful assurances comfort you
They entice to draw you near
My promise is I will hurt you
And prey on all your fears

The only guarantees I have
Is that my promise is a lie
You cannot take the beating I'll give
No way that you'll survive

No matter what you say or do
You know how this will end
So consider turning away right now
Your last chance before we begin

I am dangerous for you...

sometimes i feel like the hours in my days are measured not in units of time, but in calories, minutes to my next meal, and hunger pangs.

there is a room in my mind
in which the clocks are made of mirrors,
detailing the time that it will take for my rib bones to make waves beneath my fingers,
for the corners of my elbows and my shoulders and my wrists to poke out from inside of my skin.

this is where i curl up to hide,
taking part in a ****** up form of transcendental meditation
in which my only mantra is an endless repetition of the reasons why i should not eat.

'you eat to live, you don't live to eat,' i chant,
running my fingers over my flesh and digging into the too-shallow hollows of my bones.

you look at me with laughter in your eyes and tell me that everybody feels like this, but i refuse to believe that everyone's body feels like a prison made of heavy bones and aching joints.

and if everybody feels like i do then, ****, i don't know what to do, because at least if i tell myself that i am all alone then i can pretend that i may someday be someone else with the bones of a sparrow and a tongue that doesn't try to tie itself into knots when it hasn't had enough to taste.

my voice won't stop creaking and i can't remember what i really sound like anymore,
and when you tell me i seem jumpy i have to pinch at my calves to try and stop my hands from shaking.

how am i supposed to get better at this when the only things that make me want to stay alive are the numbers on the scale and the space between my thighs?