i dont want to admit this
every time it gets late my thoughts come back
its a comfort thing
but then it becomes a bad thing
i swallow
and i swallow
and then i cry
and i cry
i try not to consume
but it gets late and i feel lost
and i don't want to talk about it
i always feel so empty
i try to fill the space
but its getting to the point
where i want to empty it
i want nothing

Skin tight.
Bone hugging, more like
- is what is wished for and deemed right

The only way to
Grant this wish, fulfill this desire, correct the wrong
is to get rid of the hiss, right?

And in order to do so,
The Snake
will come slithering up and through your torso,
as a reaction to the bristles on your toothbrush;
Resembling grass
coaxing the snake out of its hiding.

Leaving your body and mind
Empty, relieved, satisfied and pleased.
Yet so fraught, disappointed, fearsome and creased.

i smell like diet pills i might've
gone to therapy and lie, she said
i was doing great. everyone says that
but my parents   are me. i'd rather
chug mcdonald's cola and forget
the taste of *****. i miss
my parking lot. i miss
staining the car seat

my father says i am going bald
i say you haven't seen the most of it

let's see how this turns out
i dissociate my way
to the future. no one knows why
i'm crying. no one knows i'm crying
i can't stuff a vacuum
i can't let bleed a dried out
i can't breathe  my mouth is bad

who knows there are things
worse than suicide -- i do
and i'm doing it
because no one is letting me die
everyone is so ******* selfish
why can't i be?
my life has gotten significantly worse
since eight years ago
the thoughts of killing myself
has always been my only solace

i'm so sorry that you don't matter
nothing you say or do
would ever soothe me
you can stop me
truth is, you're the one who stop me
over  and over
again. what atrocity
to drag one no longer fit for living
hope  isn't a morphine
it's just a playground
for adults who had unhappy
childhood

the world is spinning
footsteps
people keep breeding
making money, spending
getting a job, dressing up for the boss
trying not to get *****, get ***** anyway
losing weight, gaining a tenfold
changing mirrors
dropping out of school
never leaving home
trying to escape the hands
always got caught by the eye
the walls are covered with ears
there's nowhere to run to
i'll always be found out
as if i did a some kind of grave crime

Dating someone with trauma and an eating disorder
Is sometimes dating someone who you
Can't touch
Or
Can't see
Or
Is constantly hidden behind
Shield
After
Shield
Because why should you see the inner working of their mind
If it’s something they’re afraid of themselves

I was weight restored
But then
Something happened
I don't know what

I'm back to a low weight
Not my lowest
But low nonetheless
And nobody believes me

I'm asking for help
Begging for help
But even those closest to me
Don't know how bad I'm getting

It feels like
There is no escape
I'm too weak to recover
I'm too weak to survive

I eat
Once a day
But I still eat

Probably too much
The scale sure thinks so

I'm so tired
People are noticing

There's so much lying
So much hiding

I'm done
Nothing is working
I don't want to be here anymore

it dimmed my light
it made me lie
it made me say things
i would've never said
it made me wish that i was dead
summing up everything, i'm barely alive
i'm nothing but a walking frame
i never have anything left to say
all my interests are consumed
by keeping track of my intake
keeping track of my weight
keeping track for my sanity's sake
but that's one more thing to keep me awake
and i don't know how much more of it i can take

Look at yourself

Squeeze any fat you have

A pinch

A handful

How much is too much?

What really is fat or skinny?

Victoria's Secret "Love My Body" campaign shows seven svelte models while Dove's "Real Beauty campaign features an array of 'Real Women' with curves in all the right places 

Both campaigns exclude most body types and show major problems with society

One shows plus sized is okay is only okay if you're plus in the right places

The other proves skinny is king

These are the standards we set for little ones to abide by

With a small bust plus wasn't an option

So I turned skeletons into goddesses 

Prayed the would teach me how not to need

Worshiped hipbones over pizza

A tiny waist over lunch

Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness

Yet todays media forms computers in the minds of children to count calories as thought food were merely numbers

I learned how to purge from a pro Ana website when I was nine

Stuck a toothbrush down my throat and forced up dinner

Turned to laxatives at 12

Learned ill was okay if skinny was the side effect

Today I look at myself

Squeeze any fat I have

A handful

A pinch

How much is too much

I constantly


Grapple with the notion


That i want to be so small


                                    My bones seem to be


      Their own showcase

But

       At the same time


       I know my heart can handle that


And i can only shrink so much

   Before

The
  
        
Foundation


Begins  
       
  To
  
Crumble
             With

Me

i will not shrink myself down
i do not come in pocket sized
i am more than your heart desires
yet a  glass has never complained to overflow
i am everything or nothing
and to you
something in between
i am loud and i am violent and i am volatile
reaching for the stars that dissolve in my fingers
heaven has never felt so far
slim down diets are so in
reach your love to fit like chickpeas in your heartless ides
a growling stomach makes a pretty lady
i am pretty much a lady?