I could publish a book of the things that you've done
to hurt me

You keep me on your hook but there's no way I'd run.
Don't desert me.

I know that for you, it's all about you.
But please don't let me go!

For at least I can feel each time you run me through.
Your cold steel's all I know.

- -

You're in control.
You've captured my soul and there's no escape for me.
For I want to belong, any way that I can.
I don't care if your love is fake (baby).

- - -

I'm every woman.
I'm every woman who can't accept
that a man should be kind.
So I'll follow behind you. Head down.
It's easier just to be kept in these chains.

-

Nothing remains now but the ghost
of the woman I could've been.
My friends turn away from me
yet still they grieve
as I fulfill their prophecy.

Some say I'm a prisoner of my own device.
Well maybe that's true
'cause I never think twice before
coming back to you.
Running back to you.
I belong to you!

- -

You're in control,
and so I extol virtues which I know you don't possess.
They think I'm blind, but I see
every moment with you as a test
I fear I'll fail.

- - -

I'm every woman.
I'm every woman who can't believe
that I'm better than this.
Just one kiss
from your poisonous lips
and I fall to my knees.

-

So open the door to my cell and I'll walk right in.
They say this is hell
but for me it's just home
and it's better than being alone.

Alone...

You're in control!

I used to be abused and used for my gratification
Didn’t know being too nice was a bad situation and love was an optional feeling for people that loved to drain human beings for their own positive sanction
I was a sanctuary for your thoughts, constantly reassured of your flaws and every time my mouth hit the ground id say I love you so it would stop
I just wanted it to stop
I just wanted it to pause
I wanted you to feel the way I felt, the cards I’ve dealt, the way I fell, the heart that broke, the words unspoken, I’ve done so much here’s my token of real love you never ever felt because we were so broken
I thought we were together, sentences ended in forever, tethered by a forced part of my soul that wore protective leather and you said yes
Yes I’d do better
Yes I’d make this work
I’d land that job, I’d never hurt you again this is my promise, lets be honest, im not the best but I made you feel like ******* flawless, whether it was one week or one year everything was promised, but the bruises showed a different side of your conscious
I defended your honor, I made you look like a star, in the opposite light I was fetal in the dark, crying out for help as you reopen old scars, is what love is, have I made it so far?
Have I made it?
Is this what love is?
Just take it
Suddenly the blame is turned on me, I put myself here I deserve to be beat, maybe this time he’ll see, that the only way out is when I fall asleep
Dreaming of a better life, scared every night, maybe i’m wrong and he’s right, what if I deserve to be beat every night?
No.
You took my life from me and I’ll never forget how it felt to be held to a dead mans chest, and wish I could be free from this debt, feel real love in its whole before I lay my head to rest
But I wouldn’t do it different.
I wouldn’t ask Him to fix it.
I wouldn’t tell anyone that I’d go back and risk it.
You made me stronger than I ever could’ve been, I can defend myself now especially to him, and this I swear to the end of my time, the next person to walk into my life, I will love them unconditionally but I will take my time, and I will walk with my head held high, because I can say I made it out alive.
You didn’t **** me like you said you would, you didn’t hurt me like you said you could, and I’m the only one here that turned out to be good, and I’m good
Trust me I’m good.
I fell, I broke, and many times I choked and spit on my faith, but look at me now until I’m at the gates, and He is the only one who can judge my fate, but as He watched me enter He also watched me escape.

Pictures with smiles
Captured that moment in time
But look into my eyes
To see the truth that lies beneath

I wonder if I can set sail
Without the winds drawing me
Back to the looming shadow
That I'm anchored to

When the sun goes down
I know I'm safe and sound
Even when the sun comes round
I'm in trouble

I hide behind this veil
Like a thunderstruck willow
One day I can lift this shroud
And see the world not through
Swollen eyes of red and blue

Mundane days for me
Are nightmares to you
Please put me in an eternal dream
With freedom just like you

Fists of fury
Do I deserve it
Love is life
And nothings perfect

Eggshells broken
I didn't mean for that
You push me back
Before I can say sorry

Stories and films
They don't see
What love is like
This is love to me

You bought the house with lavender
seeded in the front porch.
The scent flutters between the doorsill
and through the letterbox
like bills overdue and invoices outstanding. A postal aroma,
envelope glue smells like flowers to me.

I was never granted the privilege of rearranging flowers
You said, there was more to life than flora,
these emerald, sap dripping, saturated stems
Swelling petals fascinated under my untried eyes,
You said I must not even graze the things.

I longed for a taste of the forbidden flora.
Did buds taste like honey? Were they sour like you told me?
Would they poison these supple
and innocent lips, turn them pink to grey?
Could tastebuds kiss the perennial vines,
the posies, the spray of efflorescence
A taste of simple sweetness -

I remember when you ripped the front-porch-lavender.
The roots could not resist your claws.
You sweat to mutilate strained flowers,
You always work harder. Verdure spoiled.
Ravaged, ruptured, tanked soil.

My daddy was a woman beater

But she didn’t care as long as he didn’t cheat her
She valued that hit
Like it was twist of that good kush
On some cloud nine, Heroine Ish

After every episode
She’d still move with such grace
Pleading things, like
he’s just sick
He’s really a kind man
He’s not cruel.
Just sick!

She believed so much in his lies
Her nightly cries became uniform
As he.....
Mutilated her pretty face
Leaving battle scars
Some verbal, without a trace
Those cries became her lullabies
I remember it like it was yesterday
Until one night she stopped putting up a fight
Her lungs collasped
Causing a vein to bust
And people always said you can’t die from heart ache and mistrust
But I watched him
as he watched the spirit from her eyes disintegrate
he placed his peace sign
Over her like it was his final goodbye
Ironically
He simply smiled and said until next time
Then he took a dramatic pause
Kissed her forehead
Thanked her even
I continued to watch him, conflicted and confused
I watched him **** my mother then thank her
I saw him **** my mother
The one who loved him like no other
I pondered. . . Why did he thank her
It wasn’t until his stature blocked my light
My bulb went off
Remember I said. . .

My daddy was a woman beater
He thanked her cause I was next
Back then was when I was 5
You can celebrate
‘Cause I just turned 30
I survived.

He comes home in a drunken rage
Grabs her hair and smashed her face
She is begging on the floor
He just smirks and gives her more
He tells her to go clean her face
While he is on the phone to his mate
She is shaking and scared inside
In her hair the blood is dried
She lays down and wished she died
She closes her eyes trying not to breathe
Living in this life she has weaved

She wakes up broken and bruised
He lies there smelling of *****
She tries to hide the abuse
But she knows it’s no use
So she hides from her family and friends
Knowing that he will do it again

She lies in a hospital bed
Tubes all round her she hopes she is dead.
She can hear her mums silent cry
And the sad look in her eyes
Her dad paces back and forth
Leaving marks on the hospital floor

Darkness comes to take her away
But she decides to fight another day

Her eyes slowly open and she knows
That it’s time to let him go