I looked in the mirror this morning
but I swear I didn’t see anybody
There was a body but no one to fill it
Flesh and blood set on auto pilot
aimed for six feet under;
Black rings wrapped around my eyes
with a straight face
I Plunder to get to the shower.
Semi-awake to fill up empty space.
Because getting out bed is relentless,
I do it every day like clockwork,
but every time it gets a little harder.
Like someone adding weights to my hour hands
'Till one day I won’t get up.
I can barely make it to 9 O’clock
… in the morning
I look at the sun and start mourning
Because it means I must heave myself
Out of bed and pretend that I am living,
When my bed knows otherwise.
It’s smarter than I because it knows to lay still
And let the world pass by.
Humans are supposed to fake it 'till we make it,
But all I want to do is make my bed
So, I can go back to sleep and let the world pass by.
Sure, I’m a stand-up guy
But I probably only held the door for you
Because I fell asleep on the way out.
And if you say thank you
it will remind me to wake up
and keep me pretending to live.
No doubt I fall asleep all the time.
People think I have bad hearing
But I’m just sleeping with my eyes open.
If I don’t respond just give me a little nudge
And repeat everything you just said.
I’m not deaf …   or dead yet.
I just can’t keep my mind open
For too long before the demons crawl out.
Thus, I fall asleep and fight in dreams
To wake up to your next sentence
More exhausted than the last.
It’s not my fault
I’m just a little bit dead
And a little bit sleepy

If be becomes am when I,

When I am sad and think about all the sightings prior,
When I am anxious and all corners fall apart; prior
to the tipping top I am looking at, my dreams exhale
frivolous endeavours as I am trying to breathe; to inhale

In apathy.

Forgetful and retracted;
I lost tact in compulsion,
Exasperated and unfaithful:
I am divorced.

And so, be becomes am when;
I tip all dreams prior.

My mind wanders,
As my body longs to stay put,
To sleep,
Load the batteries up

My depression stops by to say hi,
Remind me of everything hard,
Tells me I'm not good enough,
That nothing matters,
Or make sense anyway

As I try to close my eyes,
Forget the pain,
And break through the chain,
I'm chained so hard that I can't get through...

I can't breathe properly,
I can't close my eyes,
I can't relax,
I can't smile

All I can is cry,
Feel hopeless,
Scared,
Worthless,
Alone,
Dead.

"What's the point?" goes on repeat in my head,
I try to make it stop
But it won't shut up,
It won't leave me alone.

It makes me wonder how you know,
How you can,
And why you always want to bring me down.
You come to me in my weakest moment,
When I can't escape,
When there's nowhere to hide,
Noone to hug,
Noone to confide in.

Why do these moments never stop?
Why will it continue in an evergoing everlasting loop?

You tell me there is so much to live for,
As I try to see it,
Try to break free,
The chain holds me captive in my own negativity,
It feeds me just more and more,
Till everything I see, feel and hear is darkness,
Everything I breathe is poison, everything I eat is death and everything I drink is blood.

Only love can save me now,
But then again, what is really love?
What is love? Real love?
How do you know?
"If you know, you know" they say
But is it for everyone?

These are the nights that ****** my being,
The nights that make me lose all hope I ever collected,
The nights that make me lose my will to survive,
The nights that **** me.

I have had better nights and probably will,
If not these nights take over,
Then I don't know if I'll be able to see the light
that awaits in the other end,
Because when all you feel, see, hear is darkness, how can you imagine to feel, see, hear the light?
And how can you be able to wait when your current state is unbearable?

Tonight I just can't sleep,
I can't shut off and dream,
I can just lay awake and feed on misery,
Just one of those nights...
Those nights that are all dark,
not just because the sun is gone,
But hope and all life too.

I need someone to come save me from the darkness.

You spilled my half full glass of living.
You clumsied it onto it's side
And everything poured out.
Now how am I supposed to play
The game that says it's half way full
Not half way empty?

Any fool can plainly see
This glass has nothing in it,
Even if I Pollyanna up a smile
And spell out all it used to hold,
It's absolutely empty now
And nothing I can say will fill it.
                    ljm

"HEYYYY"
Mind screams
****
Forgot to shut it up with that little blue pill again
Too late
Morning will be torturous either way
Dragged to hell by sleep deprivation
Or the reminents of a pill taken a little too late at night
Pick your poison  
Well well
Sleep deprivation it is
Now that you have my utmost attention
What would you like to tantalize me with tonight?
A poem?
Fantastic!
Not like my emotional or physical wellbeing matters anyway
Please
Entertain me with your 2 AM blues
Ugh
So late
Really?
Why are we googling North Korea?
Can't we do this tomorrow?
I'm gonna hate you so bad tomorrow

Leave me be,

Let me sleep,

For I have a very short fuse.

Father Time, look what's become of me
Slowly you stripped away all the possibilities
Now I'm fragile and old
I'm growing cold

This live of mine is incomplete
Look a cliff,  I think I'll leap
Better to take the plunge
Than live a life on the run

For time has swept away
All the joys of the day
As silent as a thief in the night
You came and stole my sight

Now I see only shades of gray
Standing in the rains of decay
Gone are the years of yesterday

All I have are memories of a life survived
Of a life where happiness was deprived
So Father Time please make my time on this earth short
I'm tired of the way you distort

I welcome your friend, the reaper
The very first  keeper

everytimes he looks at me i see the reflection in his eyes and i recognize that look.
it is one of disappointment.
a look far too familiar on my parents faces when faced with their offspring.
i know i was never the first option just the ***** cell that won.
but who honestly expects a cheetah to win a swimming competition when there is a little fish in the race.
a disgrace that one is forced to convince that their existence is not futile.
As first i could not fathom what it was you wanted for me.
but Father i honestly just changed for you.
to be the son you have always wanted, i even withstood the torture and all of their tormenting words as they called me a 'Man'.
my mother failed to understand why i could not be a lady but it was all for you.
Father, forgive me.
Unlike Pinocchio, I CAN'T BE A REAL BOY!