Who said cemeteries are for the dead?
For those who celebrate such silence
A commotion’s something too.
Crow about the stones, smeared by sun  
All gawking formal and sharply dressed, rung  
A black congregation that drilled and sermoned  
My ears down to coffin nails beneath  
My feet, a voice that hung the wanting
Waves.  

And over head I saw the braised yearling  
Eagle bobbing past the undivided sun,  
Who tottled about the sky in circles out  
Of center, a wearing down of gear
Churning with the grave
Bruising birds, that spoke  
And wheeled over dusty  
Stones.  

Sea spray, leaning trees, slant  
Of cloud, spilt green grass of one  
Sided mosses all pointing which was to be —
The way,  

And leaving there, I saw the sign and it read:  
    ‘Ocean View Cemetery,’
Opens at sunrise —
Closes at sunset.

What is forgiveness?

Is forgiveness some absolute
Like once you've given it
That's it?

I don't think that it is.
I think it's a constant 
choice and battle against emotion.

Or maybe I just haven't truly forgiven yet

Is forgiveness the same as letting go?

I don't know
I just know that I'm not very good at that
Especially if it involves upset

Maybe it's not a matter of forgiveness but of forgetting

Maybe that would make it easy.

But it seems I'm cursed with a long and detailed memory
But memories fade surely?
Time heals and all
Yet I'm afraid
Cause attach an emotion to them
And when you feel that emotion again
They all come flying back up to the surface

Why is that?

It makes me feel like I've never truly let anything go
Or maybe when I'm in a compromised state
It just becomes more of a weight
And by God it weighs heavy!

So I wonder what is forgiveness to me?

*Forgiveness is a way to be free

…
Some birds are blue
Carry the sky
Earthwards

Ground birds nest
In bushes
Bursting like sun

Water birds
Swim to what is there
Always reaching

An eagle is like wind
Never chasing
Simply lofted

Crows are busy
So like tribulations
Spots of wind

A swan knows
Water will carry
As water in cloud

Some birds are dressed
Forthright on earth
The wren, the robin or quail

Each bird is dream
Miracles for us to see
Feathers fall from heaven

Why is it that when someone
lets you down it becomes
a culmination of all the other let downs?

You say that they've always been around
when you know full well that they haven't.
But then can anyone ever be?

It's cool right, cause people got life's to live,
I don't begrudge it, but it just adds to a lil warning sign, a check to Reality

Are we really as close as we claim to be?

I know I've been there for you and you've been there for me

**But are we really as close as we claim to be?

In the early hours
Sat here deciding
That I'm no longer gonna drink.
I don't feel hungover
I don't feel sick
But the low is really not worth it
And it's bad
It'*****

Very much like I coulda been
last night if things had taken
a different turn
Albeit an unjustified
and unnecessary one.
Undoubtedly why I'm feeling so glum

Caused by "girls"
who can't handle their drink
that would knock
you the **** out if you
looked at them wrong.
Yeah those ones

Putting me on the defence,
Making ****** comments.
Callin me a ponse
Cause they think my friend
Keeps throwing money behind the bar
While we all stand back and let her
But they're wrong.
I don't think that I've ever been
questioned on my generosity
Mainly cause no one
in that regard
has a leg to stand on.

And the fact that my sister
felt the need
to take me to one side and tell me
what they had to say
in the bathroom baffles me.
I try not to read into it
too much cause she's tipsy,
but you're making a point about something and I wonder what is the need?
I haven't felt this uncomfortable
and angry since I was a teen
When I had to deal with
your dumb friends then
and their jealousy.
So quit it,
I'm too old for this ****.

I wonder if it had kicked off,
Would you have backed me?
The fact that I'm not so sure
Has me questioning loyalties.

Cause it got my back up.
It killed my vibe dead.
In fact at that point I would have left
But the only reason I'm here in the first place is for my friend
Yeah you've thrown this
surprise birthday for her,
that you clearly want recognition for,
And it's nice
But you've known her for five minutes
I've known her for life
So relax before you twist in the knife
You know nothing

Got me thinking
when did peoples opinions
that don't matter
start mattering to me again?
Why did I feel like I
somehow had to make amends?
Are these really people I wanna call friends?
And would this scenario have played out any different minus the drink?

Did that one bad vibe skew my perception of that night onwards
Cause I swear these girls were slyly tryin
to hot me up as only females do
That bitchiness wrapped up in banter
but my gut knew
When that lil voice in my head took an inhale of breath and went "ooo"
Backed up by the realest one, the one I like, tellin em to back off
Girls thinkin they're fine cause they got back off, but girls need to back off
cause their attitude stinks,
grown *** women should know better
but oh no they didn't!

Shotting looks at you when you walk off to go talk and dance with the guys.
And they wonder why?
Reminds me why I prefer male company
at times
Cause sometimes they're no better.

When did all this insecurity
creep back up on me?
I think I really need to reevaluate the company I keep.
You know what gets me,
less than a year ago this wouldn't have even bothered me.

It's funny cause less than a year ago,
I didn't drink or party,
it just didn't appeal to me.
I contemplate the reason why I started cause this is far from being carefree.
When you're starting to relate to those who will stand on the edge
of Waterloo Bridge
to test the waters
you're far from happy.
So I stop and think...

**And I know It's definitely time
to stop the drink.

Grey mackerel skies
Mind wandering, no purpose
Maybe go fishing?

Tea and cup ready
Birds in garden weaving dream
Kettle wakes calling

Will I ever know
As insects walk on water
Bliss, stillness of pond