I think I'm afraid to lose you
Which is extremely ironic
Considering I'm the one who left
See I don't mean "lose you"
As in lose you from my life
I think it's more about your approval
Your desire
Your intensity
Your love
I want to be wanted and yes I know
It's super ******* up
I wish I understood it more myself
See, on a conscious level
I know I don't need you and that
I am not responsible for your choices
I am not involved in your life
And quite frankly I shouldn't be
Considering the mess my mind's in
Maybe my brain hasn't yet realized
That I've been without you for a year
And I've been doing fine
Maybe I only see my value
Reflected in the opinions of others
So I seek everyone's desire
Instead of my own acceptance
I don't understand
I wish I did
I wish I had the answers
Maybe one day this will all make sense
Maybe one day I won't be so sick
Maybe one day I can be me
Without fear
Without worry
Without anxiety
I just want to be happy
I just want to be free
I just want to be me
And know what that means

Another Night Here
Yelling in the Hallway
Can’t make all the words
Never can when they are drunk
A knife was involved
And a chain of some sort
Cops come
They are pleading their cases
Pleading their sides
Cops patiently listening
He pulled knife on me
She’s a *****
Sir please calm down
He’s a drunk
He stole my chain
Now I get the picture
I’m peeking out
I’m a peeker
Goes on for a bit
Ma’am Did he hit you
He pulled a knife
I was cutting something
Sir did you pull a knife on her
No
He threatened me
Did you threaten her
I threatened to throw her out
It’s his place
When this is figured out things calm down
Cops leave
She stays
She just wanted to be heard
She just wanted to be loved
He just wanted to be left alone
Don’t we all.
Don’t we all.

I'm waiting for your sweet words to drip out of your mouth like honey. I **** them up, filling my insides, hoping for more; the sweetness being the only nourishment for my empty soul. My body, a hollow corpse needing to be made whole by you.

Nourish me.
Help me grow.

We used to fight sometimes
late at night
after too many drinks
too many cigarettes
too many insults
thrown back and forth

First we’d praise each other up
then run each other down
to the lowest notch

There were good times too
But after a while they dried up
The way some things do.

Couple last screams
And I would hear some clanking in my kitchen
Didn’t pay too much attention

She’d go out with her big purse
“Should you be driving?”
“***** you”

I would go to the window
Yell down at her on the street
“Get outta here you bottle bandit!”

I didn’t want her to go
Not really
She may have been a ***** thief
But she had a sort of magic
The way some people do.

I bumped into her years later
In a liquor store
same one we used to go to
I wondered if she remembered all the fun
But the look on her face
underneath the smile
showed the pain.
The way some faces do.

The ground does not yield as I make my way

unsteady across the dirt mounds and bone-dry grasses

in the brittle frost of the early deep freeze.

It’s almost as cold as Mars at the equator, I find myself thinking.

I dream

of butterscotch evenings, and landscapes tanned

red and brown and meandering canals

clear straight to the bottom.

This is Bradbury’s Mars.

I close my eyes and stroll among the ancient ruins

until the cold drives me back into the chaos again.


The last rocket for Mars left a long time ago

and I am stuck on Earth to freeze.

I rolled my mom some joints
from the onion skin of a fat
volume of Shakespeare.

"This is gonna make you smart,"
I said as I licked the dry paper
and admired my handiwork.
"Hell, you may even start quoting
Romeo and Juliet."

She smiled. It was the least
I could do for her.

And, living with an addict,
it was the least I could do for myself.

I'm not the way home reminds me
I waft through the world obtaining the ideals
Of unanimous prophecies

Spelling it as if it is so
He turns towards me and hands me the fine tip of a needle
open arms
Wide
Swings the words through catalytic loops

Soulmate
Forever
He says
Till the final throws of life come through my eyes
I wont breathe still youre mine

But I'm motionless
I freeze as the cracks take their form
The natural progression of ice melting
It signifies nothing
Nodding as the moonlight
Devours
I sit still for hours
Cigarette after cigarette
The thick chews of ginger candy
Wrappers clothing me

I'm the skin
Holding our bodies as they morph into one
As the paint fumes poison us
Rats tickling the walls

We lie
To ourselves
Above the sheets on the bed
I tell him I want to see the world
He perks
confused
"Aren't I your world?"