She screamed her lover's name
begging Him to set her free,
Oh and Jesus took her home when He heard her call.
Smoke and fire
and ash and tears they disappeared for Joan.
The fire raged to find another living home.

It found it's home inside of me
Oh but the flames have learned  to not be seen
And I call His name to  rescue me
             but
                  He
                     doesn't hear me.

What if I 'd had a vision
Led an army off to war
Would you list to my cries then
Would you settle up the score?

See I'm just woman
Nothing beautiful to see
Jesus tell me what the difference is
between Joan of Arc
and
me.

As dark a place as I had always thought
That loneliness would be I find its not
As empty as the smiles of those I’ve caught
Just pitying my scars with gazes hot
I rush to cover what they shouldn’t see
The raised and reddened lines across my back
Where surgeons tried and failed to cut me free
Instead they left rods glinting in the black
They tried to slice out Pain, but they found hope
And by mistake they cut that out instead
I woke up, found it gone, and I could cope
For by the time they found it, hope was dead
But while I ought to miss this thing I’ve lost
In truth I’m just so glad to shed the cost

In truth I’m just so glad to shed the cost
Of trying to convince them I’m okay
That I can barely feel this endless frost
The hardest part of every single day
Was making them believe the lies I told
That Pain was fading, life was kind once more
When all I wanted was to simply fold
Into myself and lock every last door
I painted red my cheeks to hide the pale
And flashed a cheerful smile to cover dread
But once in a long while my lies would fail
And everyone saw storms rage in my head
But sometimes I can drop the lies I wind
On days when Pain fades gently from my mind

On days when Pain fades gently from my mind
It’s almost like my thoughts are once more mine
Like loosened are the ties that often bind
And sheathed once more the claws that tear my spine
Black tendrils weave no longer through my thoughts
And heavy fog lifts slowly from my eyes
My shoulders finally relax their knots
At last I do not hide behind my guise
My steps are light, my smile no longer false
The sunshine feels like heaven on my face
My back may finally forget its faults
And everything at last will find its place.
But then the Pain floods back and rain does come
To save itself my mind must be made numb

To save itself my mind must be made numb
The sleepless nights and endless tear filled days
Would rip and shred my strength if not for some
Last way to hide myself above the craze
Of burning, tearing, blaring, broken nerves
That screamed their Pain so loud and long that they
No longer know the purpose silence serves
One day they’ll learn of whispers, this I pray
But ‘till they do I lock away my mind
I shudder at a world where it runs free
My only solace from a world unkind,
For surely as I live, it’d run from me
So here in this dark place I hide away,
Until the Pain does cease, here will I stay

Until the Pain does cease, here will I stay.
The dewy greens and sunny beams are not
Within my too short reach, so far away.
One day I’d find my way or so I thought
To all the places that my life forgot,
But heavy fears and unshed tears do weigh
So heavy on the dreams I’d once been taught.
The fervor of my wanderlust does gray
When pressed against the far too precious cost
Of moving through the world like others do.
They all seem so surefooted. I am lost.
The days when I stand tall are oh so few.
I look and laugh at days before I knew
Although I’m but a girl my dreams are dew

Although I’m but a girl my dreams are dew
That fizzle, fade when morning heats the ground
That know their fate before they see the blue
Though barely out of infancy they’re drowned
In sunshine that wreaks havoc all around
In shadows I can dream without the fear
Of sunshine showing places where I’m bound
I wish upon the stars and smile here
And for the briefest moment I am free
To dream as others, of a daring deed
Of fame and fortune, what my life could be
If only Pain could slake its boundless greed.
But sunshine burns away my shaded home
As always I’m reminded not to roam

As always I’m reminded not to roam
When every morning I awake to flame
To flickering hot tongues that char my bone
It’s difficult to walk shrouded in Pain
The agony is bearable until
One movement kindles flames to rise again
The ever wary watchfulness within
Is wearing ever thinner on my brain
The final fading of hope held so close
Is comfort unlike any I had known
The fears that Pain will never cease now doze
And sureness carries safety hope just won’t
And so I’m finding hopelessness is not
As dark a place as I had always thought

Old habits never die
I'll always want you by my side
Warm large lips
Chronic green eyes
Cold finger tips
Our lust never dies
Quick heavy breaths
Stolen wet kisses
Leaving tingles on my neck
And scratch marks on your back
Lethal nights and morning regrets
You and I is as good as it gets
Long gone love and tasteful resentments
Are completely forgotten by the touch of the skin

So I watch
And I listen
and I laugh
at the joke the fates have whispered to me.
No one else seems to hear it...
It’s not quite so funny, you see
The pitter patter of the pity...
You can hear it, you see,
you can see it, actually.
“It’s a small thing amongst friends”
a small thing to see in a stranger’s face:
the twinge of sadness,
confusion,
relief for themselves.
They look at me, seeing what they will never be.
They see, though, what could happen, terribly,
1 in 100,
in 1,000,
10,000, maybe.
And so I watch.
And I listen.
As they whisper,
and they wonder,
and they worry.
And I laugh
at the joke that life telling me, mocking at me.
But it’s not quite so funny, you see,
that whispering of the Wonderers
Asking over politely
But never listening intently
I’ll tell them all about it.
it seems such a small thing.
Listen.
It may be bigger than you see.
They say
“you look so healthy…”
Or
“You don’t look sick to me.”
But I’ll smile.
And I’ll laugh
at the joke that life is telling me.
You can’t hear it, darling.
And you don’t want to.
That’s okay.
It must be a joke anyway...
Nope. This is my life.
But what’s the difference either way?
I’ll smile.
I’ll laugh.
And they’ll hear one day.
“one day” will be today.
They will see.
Not just maybe.
I’ll tell them all about it.
And I’ll watch,
and I’ll listen.
The pitter patter will turn to applause.
pity will somehow be praise
and understanding.
such a thing to see in a stranger’s face;
so curious to me.
It’s not so funny you see,
it’s quite serious, actually.
this is the life that has been given to me.
I’ll joke about it, maybe.
but listen,
possibly you’ll see,
**What someone’s living
isn’t always what it appears to be.

My body betrays me
Every day
But can I complain?
What can I say?
If I'm honest,
I've betrayed it myself.

Weights surround
Falling sideways, never down

Thoughts drawn to the arm
Get out, find friends, no more scars

Walking, leave the body and see
Don't want to stay anymore, be

One more day, make it one more
Time stands still, a second an hour

In apathy, we hope... no.
Goodbye. Can't cope.

I wait
Every endless day
for the time to come
In which I can take
A lovely handful
To take the pain away
To a dull nagging
Instead of
That searing scream
I know so well.