One word was enough for me to go down,
bring enough thoughts for me to drown.
One stupid word and habits change forever,
acting in a way I thought I would never.
No longer able to eat or drink,
making my stomach shrink.
Relationships with food became tough,
I’ve to lose weight otherwise I’m not enough.
Brain won’t allow me to keep down food,
fat is how I’m being viewed.
Counting calories wasn’t enough to be thin,
hopefully throwing up is the way to win.
Whatever goes down must go up,
lose more calories while you clean up.
One word was enough to bring me here,
to a place where food is my biggest fear.
The worst part is that I don’t want to change,
world without worrying of weight is strange.
Some day it won’t be about skinny anymore,
Throwing up food will become a chore.
Living off of water and air,
eating just to satisfy those who care.
What goes on afterward you can’t know,
there’s nothing that would show.
Eat as much as you can fit,
then throw up every last bit.
Be quiet so no one hears,
when you’re done wipe all your tears.
Just once more and I’ll stop,
avoid every single food shop.
Shove a toothbrush down your throat,
watch the previously eaten food float.
Thoughts of getting fat making you feel sick,
throw up what you ate you can’t get thick.
All you care about is my school,
once again I feel like a fool.
I thought you cared about me,
however, the only thing you care about is who I´m gonna be.
I wonder where did I go wrong,
hell is definitely where I belong.
I never felt so alone in my life,
my only friend is this knife.
You see it but you don´t care,
crying when I´m dead, don´t you dare.
Left when I needed you the most,
be ready to see my ghost.
No matter how hard I try,
All I want to do is die.
Unable to sleep or eat,
This mental illness is impossible to beat.
I gave up a long time ago,
No longer able to keep myself afloat.
Lying to everyone around,
Wishing to never be found.
Hating every second of being alive,
No longer fighting to survive.
The pain is just too much to bear,
I have so much going on but I don’t care.
Just let me **** myself once and for all,
Promise me not to make the call.
Police searching for me with no luck,
No one can see I’m stuck.
Tried asking for help but got nothing,
Everyone kept telling me to keep fighting.
One only has so much will and power,
I will be dead in a hour.
Last night’s argument was wild,
It hurt my inner child.
Those words caused extreme damage,
A lot more than I can manage.
You have to make everything about you,
I am always wrong no matter what I do.
You say I always put myself first,
Said so many lies I’m about to burst.
I try to please you but you don’t see,
I am not the person I want to be.
I would do anything to take away your pain,
I hate every inch of my brain.
I am sure you meant what you said,
Thanks to that my mind wants me dead.
I wish I could forget those words,
They stuck to me like burns.
I will never see you the same,
You are the one to blame.
Now please let me die in peace,
I hope that brings you ease.
Locked up in your bathroom bleeding,
no one ever hears me pleading.
Always hiding your arms and thighs,
tears filling up your eyes.
You are hurting but no one sees,
feeling pain to give you ease.
Somehow wishing people see it,
understand the bottom we hit.
Forever making sure it´s hidden,
telling family is forbidden.
All I want is peace,
stop calling the police.
One day I will cut too deep,
for my body to keep.
Blood covering the bathroom floor,
finally done with this war.
They say time fixes everything,
you just have to keep holding onto a string.
One day you´ll feel ok again,
there won´t be any more pain.
Keep telling me to see things from your position,
yet you refuse to understand my condition.
I am drowning and you are to blame,
you won´t even say my real name.
I had to lie for most of my life,
had to pretend I want to be the wife.
Terrified to come clean,
I started being mean.
Not to others but to me,
wished I would never be.
All you saw was that smile,
a slight change of style.
Body hidden under clothes,
make sure it never shows.