Being in love with someone
who's in love with someone else
and it's Christmas
...
the best time of the year

Have you ever seen a smile
that made you turn away with glee
have you ever felt a face so close
eyes contacting
like a particle collision.
This will end in a heavy mess, and yet -
a portrait with such warmth.
radiating in a such a way star beams envy it's smirk.
and supernovae would **** for the smile.
when you look at me I know
I'm here
I'm real
I'm alive
These thoughts bring tiny Heat deaths to my chest
expanding forever
I might never exhale, if only to draw in the moment
and die with it inside me.
but, I won't
superfluous words merely orbit my skull
with a stronger gravity
pulling them further from you
tearing chucks of me elsewhere
until eventually your warm glow, is merely
a scintillation

Memories of you
are dust-specks in sunbeams.
Capricious ghosts that flicker and dance

in warm liquid gold.
Elusive and volatile. Liable to cascade at a
glance.

In time they will settle. I will not,
for a while.
I will sit with ghosts. I will let them dance.

Someone else’s immortality is the heaviest thing to carry
When you left, I realized I would take you with me forever
A weight on my shoulders and a hand in my own
Barely there but never fading

I carry you in the way I see your silly habits
Chewed up nails, toe tapping, off key whistling
When I hear 90s rock on my messed up car radio
I hold you close when I see women with bruises
Wishing, forever begging
that I could have saved you
I reach for you when it’s three am and I dream about our sleepovers
I miss your tired eyes, the coffee you kept in your cup

I carry you in three little rings, along with everyone else
A shirt you gave me and jeans I stole
A necklace you handed me, always on display
I miss you in the static of the phone call when I told you I loved you
I miss you when I smell the ink of the letter you gave me years before you left
The only proof I have that you loved me too

The weight of your immortality is the heaviest thing I’ve carried

Knowing every day you are lost, as I am without you
Begging and wishing with all my heart that you are safe
Your immortality, will be my burden to bear.
Knowing every day you are no longer the person I grew up with.

I will carry the memory of you forever.  

I will grow older,
I will marry and have children and accomplish my life’s goals
And you will forever be stuck 18
Cheap hair dye, battered sneakers, and your dads old car
You are immortal in me, never changing even as you do
And it kills me to think how wrong I might be

Your immortality is the heaviest task I’ve had.
Yet I carry on;
Committing you to memory
What an honor it is to carry you

For the one who loved,
out he walked,
Couldn’t stay for less,
knew there wasn’t more.

Heart that ached,
And grieved the loss,
Bore scars that never fade,
covered in icy frost.


Years later when paths met,
he knew t’was all too late,
“Do I steal a smile?”
“Or share a word?”
“Shall I stay for good?”
“Or walk instead?”

A thousand questions barged his peace,
Reminding him of an ache that shall never cease,
Suffer, shall not, his wounded heart,
He walked away to a path apart.

The light in your eyes
And the rain from your tears
Mix together to create
The most beautiful colors.