I dont feel safe anywhere ,
Your touch haunts me everywhere.
When I see you i feel an urge to throw up,
When i think of you i fall apart.
Sinking into this infinite loop,
The more I sink the more i feel like a fool.
You forgot about me .
But your touch haunts me .
I am scared that it will happen again.
It doesn't feel valid,
I wasn't *****.
It seems like they don't care.
Because we were kids,
Because i wasnt *****.
I would rather be lost with a bear,
Than be lost with a man.

Laying in the bed I feel suffocated, my throat closing up
I focus on the cracks in the ceiling, careful not to pry my gaze away
I started counting down the minutes until you would be done
So scared my body would betray my indignation

I felt hands crawl inside me, scraping at my insides
Making there way up my body, hands wrapped around my throat
Crawling at my mouth, begging for me to open wide
Begging for me to look you in the eyes

The sheets drenched in my sweat and my back glued to the bed
I felt you slip inside of me, your arms slick with moist
A droplet of sweat falling from your forehead onto my face
Covering the shed tears that lay upon my cheeks
Bile rose in my throat, the nausea threatening to escape

I wanted to be sick, I wanted to scream
My mouth went numb, no words would come out
My pleas for you to stop only fell on deaf ears

- the cracks in the ceiling help me to sleep at night
  when the memory of you comes fading back

'Your body is a temple'
Or so it was.
My skin now soiled,

Just because.

A shot in the dark,
A moment of lust.
Leaving me soaked
To the bone,

Just because.

I was your greatest toy,
To pass and toss.
Tears still stream
From moments i've lost.
No reason to find,

But just because.

Can I confess?
That it wasn't my dress,
That led you to see
Me in my vest.
Dress to impress,
I do indeed.
But not to be stripped
And dipped in your sheets.
So you see,
Your desires,
Are your OWN to keep.

And do NOT blame a woman
Who you made unclean.

It seems like the tales in my heart
are mired in my soul
scars on my body
are basically just tales of
intense violent mysogony
what I realized
was that  my femininity is not what I hate
its the longing to feel safe
to feel okay
in my womaness
to not equate my womanhood with violence.
        
I am healing
I am working on separating this
on healing the patterns of violence
that I was brought into this world with
from a violent man known as my father
and the men in my family
I feel the anger in my heart
that I have always carried and pointed towards myself
now all I listen to is metal music
and I feel so much comfort
in this music ,
that explains my emotions in words that I can't even describe,
What hurts more
is that I overlooked so many good men
because of the way that my violence,
has painted me into a corner
in my mind.
This is why I choose my healing
above all else.
When we are so mired in our pain
We can barely see that our HELL  is HELL,
because part of us thinks  that it will always be that way!


I called you crying my tears running down my face
waterfalls of pain,
runny mascara,
In the back of an ambulance
you my brother told me,
you were sorry
but to stop talking
because it hurt you ,
and you were too busy to come
help me!
Well guess what
there was NO ONE  ever to help me !!!!!!

I instead had to sit there in the hospital all alone
With nothing to my name
but Police records
Empty faces
pitying looks
And **** kits
I was too bruised too move,
There are some things one can't forgive
and this is one of them.

What's worse is this man who abused me ,
was like all the others
who preach modesty!

Why not preach kindness ,
love
equality
seeing women as equal,
as worthy of everything that you have
just because you have a *****,
doesn't make you better than me !!!!

One man who abused me called me
his femme fatale,
oh Hunny,I am worse than that if you mess with me!

I think for so long
I have been more afraid of myself ,
than anyone else
for the rage that is held inside of me
is enough to build buildings with !

So instead of telling you
TO GO  FUCKKKKK Yourself ,
which I have already done
to one of the abusers that I  had met  before,
I will say I remember it all
and my body doesn't forgive!

As the jewish new year comes around
in a few weeks,
I can count on my fingers all the sins that
all these horrific monsters of men
did to me ,
because men like these,
they aren't real men
they are monsters who pertend to be men.

my whole life
everyone tried to annihilate me
my spirit
my goodness
by choosing to laugh at me
to bully me
the girls
my friends in sublte ways
that I couldn't see at the time
the teachers who called me names
who laughed at me,
at what they perceived  to be " stupid questions "
but you couldn't **** my spirit,
for I am still here standing
coming in to my power finally
freer,
my whole life they tried to annihilate
me
my own parents
my own brothers
my cousins
my aunts and uncles
my rabbis
my friends
my exe's
who just used me for my body
without consent
who tried to annihilate my soul from my body
everyone tried
even many of my therapists
who tried to put me away
who tried to drug me
and close off my voice ,
and tried to tell me that I was just crazy
and mentally ill
and messed up
but maybe my voice
and who I am
is so powerful
and that's why they all
tired to make me go away.
But I am still here
and I remember it all.
I am healing
calling  my power back
that has been gone from me
from the time that I was born
and I will not allow myself to be used
or abused
again!

I am here
and you can't annihilate me
anymore.
You can only try to annihilate
the goodness of the world
but it will always prevail
no matter how dark the world
and its people get.

Suddenly its here
I sent the letters
that I always wanted to send
to the schools that
bullied me
to the place
that didn't care
about my ****** assault
I sent them letters today
finally after all these years
but not from a place of terror
or victim hood
but from a place of transmutation
of taking pain
and transforming it
to make these places
safer healthier more loving places
for other women.
Healing is possible
never allow anyone
to tell you that it isn't .
Be the you
that your inner child has always needed.