I knew it wasn't going anywhere, but I enjoyed basking in the the thought of you
Two different points of view

But in derision I let you see my blues
And reds
And greens
And blacks

I shared my entire box of acrylics
because you always interpreted my work so well
With you I felt
relaxed.
And free to be all my different hues

I should have known better than to let another medium ruin my piece.
My peace.
Disturbed
Excited and shaken!
But we were never a "we" or were gonna ever be
You never e-
'rected
a piece in my name
Through my pleas...
please.
Instead
that work was hers
And I a welcomed muse
You found your
inspiration
Through me
lock up all my colors.
And toss away the keys...
Maybe we both were being used.

My heart flat-lined yesterday
At approximately 5:28 in the afternoon
The time doesn’t really matter
Nor, I suppose
Does the fact that I flat-lined yesterday
(For; I’m still alive, though not living)
But I thought it was an interesting fact
And wondered if you, too, would be interested in knowing
That I hit ground-level apathy
For everything
And for reasons beyond my control

Before you go thinking I’m depressed over you
Or over something you did
Be assured that my heart flat-lined for reasons beyond anyone’s control
Except my own
But it had to be done, I suppose
In order to feel again

The funny thing is knowing
That I could curl up on my bed and eat my favorite things
While reading the letter you wrote to me a few years ago
And fall in love with you again
With the wonderful twists my stomach makes
When you look at me a certain way
Or when I think of your lips meeting mine

But the thing that scares me the most to think about
Is that perhaps it wouldn’t be me falling in love with you again
If I have to eat my favorite things to be feel a certain way

The thing about today is that I know God is up there somewhere
But I can’t find it in me to care
I’m neither sinning nor making good
Not being tempted, not being persuaded
I simply exist
With no plans or future or decisions to make
I suppose my struggle with my favorite foods is the one exception to what I’ve described

See,
I know that God is up there somewhere
But today it’s that I just cannot force myself to care
There’s a wall between He and I somewhere in the lining of my stomach
(And though I never meant for it to be there)
It keeps Him from touching my soul
18 years of bad habits built up in my arteries
Clogging my heart from anything but apathy
But somewhere I found it in me to cry yesterday
As it flat-lined at 5:28
God made me human
With all these emotions
That I have a natural right to feel

(I know now
Why our Mother ate that which was forbidden)

So this apathy
Is a test trial of us
And though I still love you
Today
I don’t feel for you
Or for anything
Until tomorrow
(I hope)

The room floated away
     Careening through street lamps and parked cars
    Flying through neighborhoods and dirt roads and green pastures
     It shot upward
A carpeted rocketship among dying stars

        I moved to touch you but you turned and left
     You opened the door and pushed yourself down
Hurtling toward Earth with reckless abandon and an annihilative smile
       I felt the shock of you hitting pay dirt way up here in my heart
You found peace in the rubble of the comfort of others
     And though it hurts my thoughts to know you're gone
   My soul knows I'm the same.

Way up here in this room shaped rocket I know we're both the same.

This coffin
    I inhabit
         Floats along the nonexistence
    Of space
And time

        In such a way as to make me forget what comfort ever was
     Days become eons
Trapped in a box reeking of death and lacking in emotion
     I become nothing more than a trained chimp
            Acting out "living" as I see actual humans do

all for a few measly peanuts

*yes oh yes I wouldn't mind if this rolling coffin crashed and burned if for nothing more than to end this surreal nightmare of not existing

Drain out of me
running through the page
a cloudy yellow apathy
with crimson streaks of rage
my doctor thinks a catheter
could help me hold my tongue
but I've swallowed his for years now
and my flow has just begun.