A crackling upon skin

Numbness penetrate into the bones

Watching the world, but not really being a part of it

Watching. Watching.

Sinking inside, bringing out a different side to deal with what can't be done

Ears ringing but there is no sound

You are calling
and I just keep staring
frozen
my heart resonates
to the vibration of the ringing phone.

My eyes are hazzy
My mind is fuzzy
I don't know what to say
For I fear I will make a fool of myself
leaving to end the conversation
on an awkward note.

The call ends
I breathe
to calm my nervous nerves.

I call back
only to find myself stutteringg
and being overly conscience
with every word I say
dreading to have called
as the call ends.

*******.

Silence you are a curse meant only for wicked wicked men.
why do you treat me as though i were some such person?
that i should be banished to Siberia and left to live forever cold and never alone, always with crushing frozen winds howling in my ears!!?
why do you hate me Silence?
god i must sound like such a whiner, a complainer, a stupid spoilt ungrateful brat.
should i say thank you? thank you for holding my insides in you fists and twisting!? yelling at me YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH!? WELL IF IM NOT ENOUGH THEN HELP ME !

help me.
help me sort the thoughts in my head into organised files.
smart. shallow. self deprecating.
god !
"you have to stop hating yourself so much!" you say whilst your eyes, like daggers, stab into my heart and mind, chipping away at my naked insecurities.

it's the silence that does these things to me.
beautiful serene silence that splits my mind and shakes my very being till the sound of my footsteps is so loud i. can. not. breath! !!!!
WAKE ME UP IN HEAVEN !!!!

wake me up in heaven god, so i can hear your gentle words talk me back to quiet calm serenity with out silence.
that i may lie forever listening to the song of angels filling this hole in my soul.
the hole where soft becomes panic and tap tap tap becomes pain pain pain make it stop!
make. it. go. away. god.
sing to me.
sing me awake and out of this silent nightmare.

My system has shut down
and I'm sorry I can't process
the conversation you are sending my way.
It seems your words
travel a one way street
getting lost among the tangled sheets
of my brain.
And I cannot dream
when my mind is always awake,
spinning and swirling all around,
peace will not be found.
my vision blurring
as I hurry
my breathing.
It feels as if time doesn't pass.
or maybe it goes too fast?
my stomach
tangled in knots
reflects the chaos of my thoughts.
"I'm alone
My eyes aren't working
I'm alone
Are my lungs giving out?
I'm alone
My stomach is trying to eat itself
I'm alone
Why won't my hands stop shaking?
I'm alone
Where's the air?
I'm alone
People hate me
I'm alone
Why isn't anyone helping?
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone"
STOP.
Deep breaths,
Close your eyes,
Focus on the air coming through your nose,
all the way into your lungs and back out.
Your eyes are fine
You will be ok
Your hands will stop trembling
You will be ok
Just breathe

This current state of being,
A byproduct of my upbringing,
To a shred of sanity I'm clinging.
I'm condemned, I am ******
It's not like this was planned.

Those pesky chemicals are a torrential rain,
Carried 'round by cerebrospinal fluid in the brain,
Are unbalanced, unregulated. I am agitated.
Emotions now unchained.

The feelings I suppressed
Now a hysterical, pathetic, crying mess
This silent monster is cunning and bold
Has defiantly stepped over my mental threshold
The more I try to ignore
The more intense the outpour

The heart drops into the stomach,
Unpleasant pulsating in my ear canal
I tremble uncontrollably
I obsess over thoughts until they nauseate me

Down a rabbit hole I'm going
Due to insufficient dopamine and serotonin
The ideas of inadequacy and failure are growing

As logical a girl I am
To these irrational thoughts I am ******,
I attempt to talk myself out of it
But my reasoning just won't fit
No matter how hard I try
I cannot find a reason why...

At this point my heart is racing
From the epinephrine rush, I am pacing
Back and forth across the floor
In and out the bedroom door

You have no idea how happy I'd be
To have a life of "normalcy"
No matter how much I plead and plead
This quiet monster won't take its leave
At my wit's end, my sanity's gone,
I'm all out of my Buproprion.

Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Not enough!
Not enough!
Not enough!
Not enough!
Please stop repeating it!!!

The hair pulling starts, STOP!
The staring into space starts, I’M SORRY!
The looking for something to feel again starts, I NEED THIS!
The screaming into endless voids of emptiness starts, I’M NOT ENOUGH!

My lips tremble as i place the blade to my skin,
My vision blurred with pain stained tears,
My hands steady as i make one swift movement,
Again,
And again,
And again,
And again,
And again,
STOP!
Mind flipping between people,
People i’ve let down,
People i’ve lost
People i’ve loved,
People i still love,
People i need,
People i’ve hurt,
People i wasn’t enough for,
And i’m sorry.

It’s my fault.
Always is!
My fault no one likes me for me.
My fault i’m forced to wear a mask everyday.
My fault i’m not happy.
My fault i’m scared.
Scared of letting people in.
For the fear of being used again.
Abused again.
Afraid someone will break me again.
My fault because i wear a mask and become someone else to protect myself.