It’s always a battle with you
I try to stand up, and you’re always there to kick me down again
You beat me down and I just lie there and take it
A right swing to my body image, an uppercut to my confidence
I’m never allowed to be happy
And God forbid I feel beautiful for once
You make me out to be this obnoxious person that nobody can stand
But I don’t see you with any friends, and no one’s coming to your defense
You tell me that I annoy all my friends and they’ll all betray me
Yet you never fail to be first in line for taking a swing at me
Always whispering in my ear and telling me that nobody has ever really liked me
But you have always been the first to bash me for being who I am
Maybe I’m really not all that bad
Maybe I’m really ******* fantastic
And maybe you’re just scared that I’ll figure it out and you’ll be forgotten
Because you’re nothing but an irrelevant voice constantly fighting to keep itself heard
You are the voice of my anxiety
You exist because I do
And without me, you are nothing
But without you, I can be happy
I am all you have
I give your voice life and I give it meaning
You are nothing but what I allow you to be
You say I’m nothing, but you are nothing without me
The world spinning
and my chest keeps constricting.
and my eyes keep watering.
and my head keeps hurting.
I was in the middle of if having an anxiety attack.
I cannot breathe
My nostrils caving in on themselves
The sensation of impaling arrows piercing my chest
My body is heavier than it was
A minute ago
When I wasnt thinking
The twitch of my jaw
Restless legs: a mind of their own
This bed doesnt feel as comfortable
As it did
When I wasnt thinking
"Its all in your head"
"Sink into the mattress"
"Dont look at how late it is"
My mind is much louder now
Than it was
When I wasnt thinking
I don't understand
p e r s i s t e n t
I was fine two minutes ago
u n c o n t r o l a b l e
I know I'm okay
o v e r w h e l m i n g
e x c e s s i v e
i r r a t i o n a l
d r e a d
d i s a b l i n g
I even say
p o u n d i n g h e a r t
s w e a t
t r e m b l i n g
why am I doing this
s h a k i n g
s m o t h e r i n g
c h o k i n g
c h e s t p a i n
d i s c o m f o r t
n a u s e a
d i z z y
I can't stop
u n s t e a d y
l i g h t - h e a d e d
f a i n t
c h i l l s
h o t f l a s h
n u m b n e s s
t i n g l i n g
d e r e a l i z a t i o n
no one will
d e p e r s o n a l i z a t i o n
l o s i n g c o n t r o l
“ g o i n g c r a z y ”
why does it feel like I'm
d y i n g
. . .
I asked you to come over last night.
I felt like I was laying on rock bottom
With no way to get up
As more rocks were gradually being stacked on top of me.
The weight became too much to bear
My body started shaking uncontrollably
I did not want to be alone.
“Just take deep breaths, I’ll hurry.”
You came over and you climbed into my bed
You held me until my racing heart had calmed
And I finally felt like I could breathe again.
Then something in you switched-
You started gripping me tighter
Moving your hands to lower places
“Please babe, I really don’t want that tonight.
I don’t feel like myself. I just want you to hold me.”
You were persistent, whispering
“Your body tells me otherwise.”
My heart began to speed up again
As I tried one more time to say,
“Please I can’t handle that tonight.
I thought it was clear, I just wanted you to hold me,
And make me feel okay again.”
This time you tried to take my pants off.
“Do you want this-
Or do you want me to go home?”
Giving me an ultimatum.
“I just want to feel okay.
I don’t want that tonight.”
And with that you got out of bed and
Grabbed your keys and belongings as you headed for the door.
I made sure you were watching-
As I undressed myself
Throwing my clothes into a neat pile on the ground
Before wrapping myself up in my fuzzy blanket
To comfort and calm myself.
I saw your true character last night.
And I learned
That you cannot find serenity
In the same place you found discomfort.
Mind is racing.
Leg is shaking.
Palms are sweating.
Heart is pounding.
Throat is closing.
Am I dying?
My insides shriek
threatening to burst my head
shatter my body
My legs can't hold anymore
my knees splintering
like dying wood
I can't help but crumple to the floor
feel my tears bleed down my cheeks.
I want to scream
but my throat is clogged tight
not even allowing a squeak.
The tick of the clock
feels like the rumble of an earthquake
awakening all of my fears.
my thoughts come swarming in
hollering over each other
yet I hear everything.
No one can hear the cacophany in my head
the screaming in my throat
my throbbing heart.
They just watch with pity
a desperate weakling like me
waiting for nothing.
— The End —