I do not know how to be your friend.
We started as lovers, two souls
lost and wandering
searching for someone to complete.
But I never wanted you to
complete me
I wanted you to compliment me
I wanted us to collaborate on a love
so real it left us
breathless.

You, the boy with sea glass eyes,
me, the girl with golden hair.
Together we could’ve been poetry.
But your heart has been glued together
too many times
and all I have is duct tape
and chewing gum
so you told me we needed to be friends
while you found a way to put yourself
together.

I do not know how to be your friend
but I will try to fall in love with you
platonically.
I’ll try my best to forget the feeling
of your chapped lips on my neck,
the warmth of your calloused hands
in my own.
I may not know how to be your friend
but I know how to appreciate you
for everything you have been
and everything you will be.
All I can hope is that this will be enough
while you learn to save yourself.

There is a boy at work with laughter that feels like October. Kind eyes hidden behind shy smiles and butterfly wings for eyelashes. He makes early mornings feel like Christmas, I can’t be sad when I’m around him. When he’s beside me I forget everything that has ever hurt me. But there’s a girl with blonde hair and green eyes, a girl that radiates positivity and beauty. We’re almost the same but she’s so much better. I didn’t know it was possible to be a knockoff of yourself before I met her. She holds his heart and it stings to know that I’ll never be the one to see him smile in moonlight or hear him sing in the shower. Autumn boy you make me feel alive again, but your beautiful girl makes you feel immortal and I could never compete.

Some days I think my mother wants to hate me more than she wants to love me. It feels like most days she finds more flaws than I knew were possible. My sister and I were the rough drafts before she perfected her work and gave birth to our brother. When I came out to her she asked why it took me so long to do it, how do you look at the person that’s supposed to love you unconditionally and say you didn’t want another nail in your coffin, another tally mark on the board of all of your **** ups. Every time I eat something I hear her voice at the back of my head telling me I should stop. I’ve never dined alone, my whole life my mothers voice has joined me when the slightest thought of food has crossed my mind. I have spent more days than I can count wishing I had the self control to starve myself. How do you say that out loud? How do you make the words slip off your tongue to anyone without them thinking you’re a lost cause. I think about dying like I think about skipping my next meal. It’s never set in stone, there’s no contract binding my thoughts to my actions but it’s always at the back of my head. A wailing ghost haunting my brain just waiting for the day that we actually go through with something when we first think of it.

I often joke about my mental health. Every time someone asks me if I’m okay I respond with something witty without thinking. My body’s natural instinct is to make a situation lighter to protect myself. If I laugh I can’t cry, if I laugh to the point of gasping for air then maybe my body will confuse it for a sob and my chest will stop feeling like it’s filling up with water instead of oxygen. I was never taught how to swim so on rough days when I start drowning I can’t do anything but flail. So far I’ve managed to keep my head above water but what happens when my legs and arms get tired? Who’s going to throw me a line and pull me out of the water? Most of the time I feel lonely on land but when I’m drowning I realize just how empty the ocean can be. When I was four my mother left my sister in charge of me. I walked into the pool without my water wings and almost drowned. A crowd of adults surrounded the water but it was my sister that jumped in to save me. It was in that moment that the world showed its true colours. An eight year old risked her life to save me and my mother barely made a fuss. That was the last time anyone ever saw me drowning. I no longer have my sister to jump in and save me. Over the years her sights have switched to someone new and life has caught me yet again unaccompanied. I don’t have any water wings to keep me afloat so I just keep thrashing and choking and praying to god someone will see me going under. But what if this time nobody ever does?

Rainy night
in the middle of warm August
shall make me calmer
Rainy night
tossing and turning
trying to find my place in your welcoming arms
Rainy night
dreaming of milky skies
and never ending sunsets
sometimes it's nice to get soaked