In between the dizziness and confusion my ailments calm me. I don't care how disturbing and unorthodox it sounds. My loneliness accompanies me everywhere I step foot.
You said I could stay in your heart forever, you said all these things and made so many promises that at the end of the day your words hold no meaning. That was when I was a child and you really believed you loved me. But mom and dad I can see the pain you feel when you lie to me and tell me you love me.
I'm lonely and I like it.
Wake up. Wake up.
Can't you see I am awake? Can't you see I am just trying to take in all of the cold?
I'm trying to accept that the vacant spot in my chest is something more than a heart malfunction—this is real and cannot be diagnosed.
Father will you stay today.
No, can't you see I have better things to do
like dance with strange women and drown myself in liquor?
No father, I cannot see because I am blinded by the scars and faint screams that cover my eyes, can't YOU see that I am no longer asking you to stay, I am telling you.
They say that the drowning comes to an end—what if I can't hold my breath anymore.
She pretends like she doesn't know.
But mom, how can you not know?
Can't you see that I am a flame in a cup of water?
Are your own problems consuming your soul? Too tired of the world to hold your daughter. Take pity on me woman! What if I fly off the tippy top of the stairs like a bird? Would you hug me then? Would you cry to your dying baby?
But woman look at me! I am in fact dying. My heart is shedding its protective layer and your words are puncturing it. Can't you see that when you lie and steal my innocence it kills me?
My body is weak. I can feel my heart giving up on me. Something my soul needs.
Maybe I was lying. I am more than these bones, I feel love and I feel alone. I don't want to feel alone. It doesn't accompany me, it punches at my soul and pulls my hair out.
And like the guest of honor, the feeling of overflowing emptiness bursts through the doors of this house and finds its way up to my room, my mom's room, and my dad's room.
We're in a full house together but we're all alone. And it may seem strange to want to be alone and to want attention all at the same time. But if you were me for just a day you would understand that it's nothing but a façade. We're all actually super happy can't you see?
My mother hits my father and makes him bleed but we're happy.
My father pokes himself with needles and cries on the floor of my room but we're happy.
Are you going to put the dog to sleep?
No are you?
No are you?
He put himself to sleep.
And in the end I realize that if I were God we'd all be dead because darling we all get what we deserve.
listen to Putting the dog to sleep - The Antlers
