I hate how much I miss your eyes,
the emotion spoken in them before our lips connected.
your eyes could speak to me, I could see the story before your mouth opened.
I remember how lost I could become while drowning in the deep brown of your iris.
but I just can't stop thinking about one thing...
how much I ******* hate you for making me cursed.
everywhere I look
I SEE YOU
everything I touch
I FEEL YOU
every pair of eyes that dare to look in mine
I THINK OF YOU AND  YOUR **** EYES
how much I loved the warmth they held,
the love I thought I saw deep inside.
all I want is to forget your eyes,
and to forget you,
to forget
us.

why do I find so much comfort in the darkness?
why is it so hard for me to not be so in love with feeling empty and alone?
people say I need to change, to fix myself, to love myself.
they don't realize how hard it is do so
when I have only felt happiness in myself
as the white powder is stuffed up into my brain?
why is the speed so enticing that I never want to be without it,
because without it I feel as if
I have once again fallen deeper into
the darkness than I ever was before.

I am lost at sea,
drowning in my own tears.


I look to my left and stare
at the pieces of our boat
we had built together with our intertwined hands.
our intertwined hearts.
I look to my right,
I see you being rescued.
You were always smarter.

I am being destroyed by the heavy, dark waves.
my screams are being silenced,
my body is loosing strength.
You were always stronger.

These waves are killing me,
while they are saving you.
I inhale one last breathe and
finally,
let the waves swallow me whole.

and now,
I am saved.

I'm no longer the cause of that erupting breathe of lust after our bodies collided in rhythm.
in fact, I am nothing of yours.
I chose to not feel my face when I could have just reached out and caressed yours.
I can't even feel your cheek against mine anymore.
I feel the distance our souls have created between us.
that I created between us.
I feel the ache in my stomach as memories of you engulf my cerebrum.
I have a lump in my throat as I whisper your name out into the darkness from the comfort of my bed.
I call out to you from miles away only wishing you'll receive goosebumps along your skin from what you called my electric touch.
I hate how we are separate but together, I see you but cannot touch you.
you are a rare antique in a museum I am forbidden to hold anymore.

the scent of sadness lingers over your lips as you whisper the word;
"Goodbye."
and as I'm trying to move foward,
while forcing the stream of tears flowing down my cheek to never end,
I can't seem to fight the force
that wants me to
give up and understand that your tears shall never fall upon my hands again.

you're being is a closed exhibit in a forgotten museum,
a place i will never be able to find no matter how far and wide I search the depths of the earth.

you are a foreign stranger,
just another face in the sea of humanity.

BUT you were once my universe,
you once showed me how love can truly exist.
you had showed and reflected hope onto my life.
you marked a footprint in my life,
a milestone.
your heart cared similar to a mother caring for her first infant child.

my heart had continued to beat because of you,
you had showed me strength
and you taught me to never give up.
so here is my promise to you,
I shall never forget your promise to me;
*just keep pushing , no matter how much weight the universe is placing on your shoulders.

I can't stop these erupting voices from telling me;
YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG
I try my best,
but the best is never enough.
I work till my hands are bleeding,
till my feet are swollen,
till my brain is pulsing.
but it's never enough blood,
not enough pain,
too little of suffering.
in order to get better
they say;
YOU MUST FEEL THE SAME PAIN YOU CAUSED THEM
but enough is never enough
and the pain is never ending.
i will die because of the result of my failure to accept love.

i can't believe I lost you,
in a selfish-foolish way.
I thought I needed the pills,
I thought I needed the line,
but what I truly needed
was your eyes.
they looked at me with such tenderness,
a love so deep it's never ending.
I needed your arms,
that held my fingers to stop prying open my skin.
I wish I knew myself better at the time I had you.
because
I ended it all because I thought I
already had
it all.
**** me to hell for my ****** choices.
I hope one day you'll show that sparkle in your eye to another...
even as I type these words I can't get myself to truly want that.
I lost the one thing I needed to keep me alive.
and so now, my readers,
this is goodbye.