Funny how ten milligrams lighter
feels like ten kilos more.

I hate how little I hate you.
It's gonna hurt.

We are all just collections
of reactions
to our past.

It's not love
untill I wrote a poem about you.

Around her
I'm the only one
who looks like him.

When I can't sleep
I feel your
breathe on me.

I spend most of my dreams now
Covering the miles between us
Out of this apartment
Which is too big to fit your absence in
Away from this city
Through the droughts of this land
Over powdered mountain tops
Along coastlines
Across borders
Right into vineyards and vast meadows
Past forests and their lakes
Crossing city after city
Untill I find myself in yours
Over bridges
Into that street
The stairs up
The hall in
Until I finally rest my hand on that doorknob
And feel you just before I wake

We had a conversation
like one we did not have for years.
I looked at us
driving on the highway
in the wrong direction
in our ****** blue car,
and I realised:
in this conversation we were
finally
not talking
but listening.

To be completely honest,
some days I purposely lean towards the things that trigger my crazy.
Because you see,
after a certain amount of years,
one can get used to the cold air in one's neck,
or the dellusional ideas.
(I'm going mad. My body's here but I am not really experiencing this moment.)
It has become a familiar, but still terrifying place.
On days like today I am too curious, if maybe I can still visit it.
And every single time I find out I can easily,
but it's much harder to leave.

He didn't kiss me, he gave me a kiss.
A sweet smelling present, light and quick.

He didn't push his tongue through my lips,
no hands on my ***. No biting.

It was a kiss.

The kiss I saw a little boy give his baby sister when she started to cry.
The exact same kiss my grandmother gave to the love of her life,
on his cold, white cheek. Their last kiss.

Hey dad,
I will be turning eightteen next week.
You probably don't know that.
I'm doing good you know.
I found a house and a study I like.
And a boy who maybe likes me.
I got used to my anxiety attacks,
so the last few times I wasn't terrified.
I have a man in my life,
who replaces you.
And he makes me a happier girl.
I think I even know how to deal with mom.

Everything's great, dad.
But still I wonder if you think about me
as much as I hurt by you.

Maybe I should just stop shaving my legs.
Everytime I do, somebody doesn't show.
I'm really starting to question my theory about me choosing bad men
and starting to believe there 's no such thing as a good man.

I adore you.
The freckle just below your right eye.
How you are able to make eating taco's in a onesy with sauce all over my face feel like a date.
I adore your stupid selfies,
the cat sounds you make.
(I'm even starting to like all of your stamp tattoos.)
I adore your ****. And how you feel like you shouldn't like it when I touch it.
I adore how you adore your friends.
How you held me last night.

I adore everything I find out about you, and I hate it that I do.

There's this one thing I can't write about.
This fear
I think he started it in me
and they have made it grow
Untill this moment
Because you know,
sometimes
I think I lost my mind.
And within time I will loose all that's left
No control
No power
Sometimes I think I see things moving
Sometimes I think I hear things different
different from before
And from how other people hear them
But I can't explain
Not how it feels
Not how I feel
What if I'm allready there?
And this isn't real
Just a dream
or hallucination
What if I lost my mind allready?
What if I will?

I close my eyes before
Waking up in your arms
Just to fall back asleep
And start living

You were breathfastening beautiful with
your bare feet and your wanderlust.

It was only after I leaned in to kiss you
the reflection I saw made me forget.

I know I'm not the easiest
Sometimes I cry or yell
I compare you to every **** I know
And kick you out your shell
I freak out over little things
And manicly make up
But the more I ****** ***** at you
The more I fall in love

****, that was the mdma.**

I felt the chemicals crawling slowly passed my throat into my system
And for a moment I was the only thing in my moshpit reality
Standing completely still for once
Right there
In the middle of Hungary
I felt the prodigy spiders climb through my skin
Into my brain
And I could not think myself
But I heard the thoughts of others

"Why do we do this to ourselves?"

From all the things that might go wrong,
all the cheating or the
it just doesn't feel the same's.
With every cry and fight and awkward silence,
every fakes ******,
every what the **** is wrong with you.
Every why did you,
what did she,
how could you.
For every fall and break and end,
I am thankfull that it's you.

There's a fridge filled with food.
It's fresh, not a bit rotten.
She cooks for me, she takes the time.
So that I'm filled before I'm starving.
After dinner they all sit
and do their quiet things,
but in a cozy way.
I'm happy to be in between them
once in a while.
Sometimes they cuddle.
She cuddles me a lot,
she knows how much I crave it.
I have never heard her yell.
She walks with me when I leave,
so that she knows I'm safe.
She's the safest place I've ever been.

You undress me
In the slowest silence
With the greatest care
Your hands keep asking permission
To the skin that is to be revealed

You hear me
Not by the words that escape from my mouth
But by the pauses in between them
By the tones and the rythms
By the ones I never say

You see me
Uncertainly coming onto you
And you patiently assure me
You're not going anywhere
That it's gonna be worth the risk

And I have never loved
Or been loved by anything
This carefully

Sometimes it takes me three days alone,
Half of a bottle,
A minute with him.

To find that we can choose misery,
Or euphoria,
In anything.

She's lost, dad. Nobody's heard from her again. I see images of empty rooms. A girl who looks like me. Men we never met. Her dark hair is no longer full of volume. Neither are her eyes of light. Sometimes it's harder to think about you than to think about our next fix.

There must be a day when I can stop blaming you,
But untill that day we are waiting to be saved by a man that never came.

But my love
You deserve to be so much more than
Another one of my mistakes
That is not what you were made of

You, my dear
You are the final destination
Utopia
After I broke myself
On unhealthy relationships
And one-nightstands
And all that is left of me
Is my purest self
I will arrive
Ready to be loved by you
Ready to love you too

But you aren't my escape route
You are my coming home
In all the hectic of this wanderlust
And I keep finding myself
Setting foot
On the coastline of your love

There's something about the air in here.
Heavy, pulls us down.
It smells like her depression,
my anxiety attacks.
Endless fights and un-won struggles.

I've been waking up,
covered in sweat,
not remembering my dream.
Except for those eyes,
they come back.
It's like they watch me in this house,
through hers.

I like the monday evening, as I walk home from my
replacement mother.
I eat something and go to bed.
I don't feel great and I don't feel terrible.
I feel all right, and that seems to be
the best feeling lately.

My brain zaps every minute to remind me
I belong in a room made of pillow.
"Now can you draw a fantasytree for me little lady?"
I'm working on it, it's getting better I promise.
Did you hear that?
In my dream last night I murdered and
it felt kind of freeing.
I forgot my meds mom, help.
Just tap your hand a little more,
there's a screaming really close.
I, I feel it zapping again. Minute's past.

"She draw her father without feet"

I imagine you running through your days
Laying your kitchen supplies on a piece of paper before you cook your salmon
Making a row of all your jars and then taking one vitamine pill from each

I can see you laying down in your bed
With my shirt and our monkey patiently waiting on my side of it
And I know you will think of me
But does it ache inside of your flesh the way it does for me?
Did the world lose half of its color the day I left?

I guess I'm afraid that one of these days
You will be lining up your loved once
And forget about counting me in

She's too tired to walk,
so I carry her home.
Her soft face touches my neck
as I kiss
and kiss
and kiss
her.
She sometimes yawns,
or lets out a silent wheep.
And I am flattered by the
looks the people give me.
I remember when
I was in her place
in my mother's arms
(Only I was
pretending to sleep).
I envy her.

Why don't you ride him?
Because you're no ****?
You spread those legs and moan, but your pants stay on.

Why don't you let him?
Because you're not in love?
His teeth on your hard *******, your hands dig in his lap.

Why are you holding back?
Because he won't respect you?
In your mind he's thrusting inside you, you scream and turn and gasp.
But you tame yourself and walk away.


*I'm not letting society tell me who I can or can not ****.
Call me a *****, but I came ten times last night. And you wish you did too.

We were the worst friends we ever had
But i loved you and
I wasn't capable of ever letting the thought of not being friends at all cross my mind

Trying to hold on to days when
You had my door key and
We'd eat to much popcorn and made fun of sjp's outfits
And that must be the time when we weren't such bad friends after all.

Can we get another round?
Are you working tomorrow?
I'm staying here all weekend.
Haven't seen you in so long!
What time did you get home?
Come on, one more!
You've never been there?
I have to get up early.
Same time next week.
Did you sign up already?
What are we eating tonight?
It's free until 1.
I can come after work!
Are you coming or what?

It was so much fun.
This is so much fun.

**(I  miss you. )

I feel tingles everywhere,
everytime I find the toiletseat up.

To me
there is nothing
as terrifying as the
sudden feeling of a hand
on the outside of my lower leg.
Nothing scares me more than
a sudden realisation of
how beautiful he is to me.
Or his eyes who shift
from lust to love
and tell me
that I'm handsome.

Horror is my heart
as I fall in love with you.

I dream about dreaming in bed against your skin
I secretly still keep your side of the bed clean

I dream of coming home to you wanting to come back
Everytime I walk this street I pray and hold my breathe

I dream of having dreamt all this and you waking me up
Every night I fall asleep I think about you, love


But most of all I dream of me
Free of the fears I hold
Happily ever after
For me means to be alone.

Bartender,
pour me the usual as I
take a seat and watch your every
move as if I pay you in bills of one. I'll make a comment that makes
you unable to not make that joke,
because after all your stupid jokes
comes that devastating laugh you always laugh.
It hurts so good to see you love her.
I'll just pretend I am her for the moment when I watch you
undress her at night.
Let me automutilate myself by looking at you for hours and
I promise, I won't say a word.
Just be you, my lost love.
And let me be my drunk and crushed self tonight.

Her words keep echoing in my head.
Can I tell you something?

We were half asleep and slightly drunk,
our fingers strangled in eachother.
I nodded,
and she told me something that made my heart race.
I'm so glad you're in my life right now.
I blushed, forgot to breathe.
I feel so much better now.

For a moment there, I couldn't speak.
So I kissed her on the cheek.
And I've been wondering for the last few weeks,
why I did not choose her lips.

Depression and Anger met.
The world thought Anger took charge,
maybe even forced Depression.
But it was not Anger,
laughing at the spattering blood.
LOOK AT THOSE BRAINS

Depression had a plan to die.
To find his freedom, meet his love.
He didn't mind killing for it.

Anger had a plan to ****.
To find his power, meet his strength.
He didn't mind dying for it.

But Anger loved Depression.
Depression didn't care.
As they walked into the school,
Anger wasn't angry.
He was doubtful and afraid.
Depression screamed at the top of his longues.
*TODAY IS THE DAY I DIE

You were the best example
Of how I want to look into his eyes without any hesitation
Throw my head back and cry full volume with his mouth between my thighs and not be sane for a second

You made me realise I want painfully real being in love ****,
untill the psoriasis fills up my **** and he doesn't give a **** because I am so beautiful as I pour out his tea.

He will hold my hand on a festival just as proud as he licks my cheeks in the smoking area of a cracked out club and he will always wait for me while I work,
but untill now he's just never quite you.

Of the first time I saw you.
You wore a Barcelona football shirt and
you were so tanned
and happy and didn't look at me
for a second.

Of that time in your attick
with Ed Sheeran on repeat and
we looked at eachother for hours
with our skin pressed and
our voices broken.

Of the fight we had one week before
you told me we were through.
And I catch myself thinking maybe
I should have just shut up and ****** you.

Of the trainride of two hours from
sober to what the ****
and all of a sudden it was just us
in a tent and your lips on my soul.

Of the smoking area where you jumped
me and when we kissed for the first time
and you licked my face because I laughed
at you and ran away.
(This one is ruined. The exact same thing.)

Of two weeks before the end
when you were the sweetest you ever were
and I was so happy and in love
while you already wasn't.

Of you holding my hand when you
saw me getting scared
when that crazy guy walked past us
and you never ever asked me how did he
scare me but comforted me anyway.

Of you sitting on my couch telling your friend
isn't she the cutest thing you've ever seen
and him agreeing and me making you tea.

Of you calling me snoezepoez
and making cat sounds and me
listening to them on repeat.

Of you on my birthday.
You were the only one there at twelve o'clock and
you didn't know if I was going to like it and
I fell in love right then and there.

He walks with pavarotti in his vains and calls his daughter rock and roll.
His charm is the face of the restaurant.

In the kitchen two man are sweating above pastas and antipasti to feed their children tajine at home.

On the terrace there are girls trying not to drop any glasses because of the guy on table 204.

There's a guy behind the bar that was bad in his country, and now feels what is normal.

They speak of the boss as if he's always watching, though he's rarely ever there.

There are 10 different nationalities in there but when the chorus of a certain song plays they all sing that one word.

*Bellisimo.

Where did we go from
Just follow my breathing
With the three of us in the bathroom
A broken wine glass on the floor
And all I could feel was
Her chest against and away from my back
To guide me back to reality
As I traced it with my longues.

What happened between
This one year and a half
That made us strangers
In some competition
Which no one will eventually win
But everyone will be exhausted after.

Did I change too much
Or didn't you for too long?

I hope one day I'll tell you how the green inside your eyes outweighs the brown and when I stare in them to long during an unaware moment I see the forest that I used to walk through as a kid when we visited grandma.

I should talk about the way the left side of your lips curve a little bit to the inside of your mouth when you think of something funny and that's why I always kiss that corner of your mouth.

How your hair, that's always a little too long, smells so safe and I spend nights with my nose in there because every breathe makes me realise I want to be with you like this forever.

And I truly hate your sense of humor and your favourite songs but we take having breakfast to a whole new level. The way you love food the same way I do and I never want to eat somebody else's omelettes.

When we lay in bed together, all I can think of is how I want you closer and my body reacts to your fingers like it has always been waiting for them to unlock it.

You are the love of my life and I can't wait to meet you one day.

You could always see
Straight through my window skin
As I tried everything to cover up
Those rooms I felt ashamed of

But all you needed
To get me undressed
Was a kiss that cut
Right through my glass

I stare at your words. What do I tell you?
That I do not love you, and I do not believe you love me?
That you left me, hurt me, ****** me up?
That because of your absence, this house is filled with medication?
About the nights I spend screaming and shaking,
or the twelve year old me who cut her wrists?
Do I tell you about my sister? My half sisters?
One is depressed and bipolar.
One is depressed and psychotic.
One is depressed and addicted.
Do I man up and tell you,
you're nothing to me. I hate you.

*Thanks, dad.

I know
you would have
accepted my father day gifts
so I didn't have to cry every year in class.
And you would have never
let me leave the house like this.
I know you would have helped
when mom was too busy
******* a plummer
and my anxiety first popped up.
I know.
You'd have kept the bad boys away,
and taught me how to be strong.
I know you'd have told me about
self-respect
if you had only been here.

I have no idea what home is for me anymore.

It's not the third house this year, with new housemates and a pile of bad memories on the shelves. I don't care about the twentyfive pairs of heels in my closet. I never feel content with travelling home.

It's not my mothers place, not since years. There's a mixture of scents in the air there. Fights and anxiety, depressions and stubborness. But I still come there all the time.

It's not even the place where we go camping, though the rocks feel like freedom and I feel far away from all *******.

I used to think it was in somebody else's arms, but I can no longer believe such.

I have never felt this transparant
All the walls I have been building
Seem to melt since the moment
You stared right through my eyes
And deep into my soul

I have never liked to be this vulnerable
But with the safety that fires from your soothing voice
And the warmth that electrifies me
Whenever we lock skin
I am no longer scared of what you could do to me

I'd be more than honoured
To get broken by you, my love

So i might be a little drunk
And a little dramatic
But next week im moving out
To create something i need
A safer home than this place
Cause it stinks
Like old pains and forgotten promise
And we never washed the sheets
In which we always cried and ******
And fought and ******
But hey
I like it