i'm sorry i only loved you when i was drunk

i've never believed the saying, "time heals all wounds." it puts one under the impression that if you wait and do good, we'll one day be magically healed...we'll wake up and suddenly see and feel the radiance of the sun again.

the sun has come back but i can still feel the frigid cold trying to take me away.

google defines wound (n) as: an injury to living tissue caused by a cut, blow, or other impact, typically one in which the skin is cut or broken. synonyms include but are not limited to: ****, laceration, slash, abrasion, bruise.

wounds can be physical. black and blue. scratches up and down your arm. wishing they'd go away so you can stop telling people that you ran into a tree.

wounds can be mental. feeling a tug at your heart constantly, one wrong move and you're shattered. not being able to listen to that song without bursting out in tears.

my wounds are valid whether you can see them or not. time has passed and my wounds are still begging to be seen. stop telling me i'll be okay with time.

i used to feel crazy. i was waiting for a switch to turn on. the switch would turn on and i would be healed. i wouldn't feel like this anymore. this day never came but i'm realizing this is fine.

google defines heal (v) as: to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome. synonyms include but are not limited to: mend, recover, improve.

peak moments make me feel like i'm healed. i'll laugh the way i used to. warmth takes me over. the sky is a brighter shade of blue.

low moments make me question the healing process. i'm crying. my heart feels like it's breaking all over again. i'm battling with myself in my head. suddenly i'm on a rollercoaster i can't get off of and i can't stop screaming.

the thing is, i'm constantly healing. the process never ends. my body is constantly working to heal my wounds and while they may become less visible over time, i can tell you i will always feel them.

i've accepted my wounds as a part of me. they take up space. i carry them with me everywhere i go. i'm not sure if i'd be me without my wounds.

my wounds remind me of who i am, what i'm capable of. they're proof of the battles i fought: the nights i cried and cried, the moments i felt the world was too much for me, the times i questioned my worth, when i could feel my own heart breaking.

i'm sorry to say that time doesn't heal all wounds  as i'm still hurting.

‌• you are not defined by those who refused to love you.
‌• you're still strong even on your weak days.
‌• you're beautiful, body and mind both included.
‌• it's okay to cut ties with toxic people.
‌• letting people in is hard, it takes time.
‌• forgive yourself for your mistakes.
‌• your feelings are always valid.
‌• crying can sometimes bring you back to where you need to be.
‌• hold the people who constantly check on you closest to you.
‌• love and care for yourself, don't wait for someone else to.
‌• everyone grows at their own rates.
‌• it hurt because it matters.
‌• the past tends to linger but don't let it control you.
‌• put yourself first.
‌• not everyone has the ability to understand you.
‌• you're doing a good job, try not to be so ******* yourself.
‌• don't seek out love, let it find you.
‌• your scars eventually won't cut so deep.
‌• grief is a part of a life and maybe one day it won't feel so heavy.
‌• you're worth so much more than you think you are.

like a monster
under your bed,
grief knows
where you hide.

it knows
where to go
and how to
hit you
where it hurts.

it can take
the shape
of welcoming arms
and swallow you
in one gulp.

one moment,
you are high
on the top of the mountain
and the next,
you are at
the ocean bed,
not knowing how
to swim back
to shore.

you suffer in silence
because you're not sure
anyone would get it
or even listen.
you don't let yourself cry
because you don't want
to feel the sorrow
drip down your cheek.

it's a constant battle,
trying to come to terms
with how you feel
but also not drowning
in your own feelings.

i suppose the world
doesn't owe me
anything,
but i thought
it would be
a little more fair
to me.

grief doesn't care about
who you are.
it will find you,
when you least
expect it.

grief,
we've become good friends.
you know where i hide
my secrets,
my scars,
and the things that hurt.
i never wanted you to
take up such a big part
of my life,
but alas.

i haven't overcome
you yet,
one day i will.
i'm still waiting
to make peace
with my sadness.

I was so hung up on the idea of you, the idea of us. I thought we could move mountains together but I failed to realize what I thought was there was crumbling right before my eyes. Maybe I just imagined a world where we could be together, a world where we could co-exist and be good to each other. I wanted nothing more than this but I'm realizing we're like parallel lines--we can try so **** hard but it doesn't matter, we will never touch despite being a part of the same universe.

2. The flower you gave me lies on my book shelf. Most of it's life has withered away and there's not much left, it's hardly hanging on. I'm thinking this is a metaphor for you  and I. There was a time when we were blossoming and growing but then we reached a plateau. We were causing more harm than good but we held on because ****, it hurts to let go.

3. Remember that time I spilled a beer all over myself? It was the first time we saw each other in more than a year and I remember how embarrassed I was. Luckily, I was wearing dark jeans but not so luckily, I was wearing a light pink shirt. I wore my coat all night, zipped it up to the very top. We walked around that night, you talked of your goals and aspirations. Your eyes lit up like a **** star in the sky. For that moment, it was just us and the street lights. I'd go back to it if I could.

4. You told me you were going through this weird stage of life where you were like a ghost, in and out, coming and going as you pleased. I thought I was okay with this and then you left the country for a month. It's not like I was seeing you on a daily basis but I suppose being in the same state brought me comfort. You were never that far away, I could still reach out my fingers and come close to reaching you. I wanted consistency, so bad, but I had to be satisifed with the little pieces of you that you gave me. So I had to pretend it didn't feel like a bee stung my arm when you messaged me like you never left.

5. I miss you the most on Saturday nights, when I'm coming down and I realize something feels off. These nights I miss the sound of your voice and the freckles on your face. I don't think I'm a bad person for wanting to hear from you in these moments. It's always been hard for us to be a part of the same world but I wanted nothing more. You said I treated you like empty calories. I think you're more of an ember but it seems you've forgotten all about the other bits of us. It must've meant more to me than it meant to you.

6. I let you know me--the deepest and darkest parts of me, the scars I keep hidden, the skeletons hidden away in my closet but you never let me now you. It has often come  back to me not knowing you, at the very beginning and at the end. Was I supposed to pry you open with a pair of pliers? It's hard to open a lock when you don't know the combination. You can't say I didn't want to know you, I tried so **** hard but you didn't let me. I never knew you could be so cold. And now, I'm shivering.

7. Letting go. I think I should've done this a while ago but I was in denial. My own form of insanity. Breaking my own heart just to see how much I could take. I've watched the sun set over us many times but I need a sun rise. I won't forget how gentle your touch felt.

tingles in your toes,
looking up and
seeing the same moon,
a form of disappearing,
taking a holiday
to a tropical place,
falling at your feet
because it hurts
so bad,
"hey, this song made
me think of you,"
a melody you want
to play over again,
the sun rising
over the Mississippi,
finger tips traveling
down your back,
a canvas with
different shades of violet,
drowning in a foreign body
of water and struggling
to breathe,
conversations in a
parked car,
tears streaming
down your face
like an ocean,
freshly dried
sheets,
a warm embrace,
the twinkle in
your eyes
when you talk,
saying goodbye
when you'd
rather say hello,
a flower
that just found
the strength to
bloom,
a fall day
with a slight breeze,
the sun shining
on your skin,
realizing it's
okay to let go,
white lace on
your skin,
the strand of hair
that always falls
in your face,
apologies that came
too late,
the leaves
changing colors,
the silhouette
of the person
I thought
you were,
chasing a shadow
I'll never catch,
the sun reflecting
on the water,
a path I wish
would never end,
drinking to find
you at the end
of the glass,
a flicker of light
in the dark,
smell of coffee
in the morning,
touching hands
for the last time,
a slither of sunshine
peeking through,
a summer storm,
grief that felt
like a mountain,
drunken kisses,
driving with no
destination and
losing ourselves,
the book I never
want to finish,
the roses you gave
me withered away,
the grass turning
green again after
a long winter,
brick roads
that lead to nowhere,
restarting that song
just to hear that
part a second time,
transforming into
something I never
thought I'd become.

all kinds of love in the world
but never do you experience
the same kind of love
twice.

i wish i had
never entered.
i wish i would've
looked the
other way.

(why did i let you in?)

your finger tips,
they feel like daggers.
your voice,
a song i would
never sing again.
your touch,
it feels foreign
and suddenly i'm
in a strange place.

(you're not who i thought you were)

you used to shine
so bright,
you were a star
in my sky.
the sun that lit
up my world
but you've
gone away.

(i wish i could take it all back)

the time i woke up crying,
sleepless nights,
fingers intertwined,
quiet voices,
hellos and goodbyes.

i used to look forward
to the sight of that
blue house
on the corner
but i now look away.